I think their comes a time in every persons life when they wake up realizing things are exactly how they should to be . Maybe things didnt work out as you planned, or hoped, but maybe they worked out better. I have a reached a point where i am so proud of who i have become.
This took me what feels like an eternity to get here. From broken relationships, put downs, let downs, and things just not working out as "'planned" - I have been confused for so long. Chase made me hate "me" for awhile. I felt crazy, and not worth anything. (A major set back for the girl who once thought nothing could stop her from achieving her goals.) I spent two yrs fighting to get back to where I was before that relationship, loving someone who put me down because i no longer felt worthy of being loved by anyone who truly was better. I Have let people (men) walk all over me, and treat me like a doormat while remaining loyal to their hopes, their desires, and their goals. In all reality I never lost sight of what I KNOW about myself... MY strong personality, the intensity and will to succeed and win at everything, the desire to reach far and above the rest, yet I still managed to push it behind me, settling for lost loves, crappy career choices and no sense of self.
I sit here tonight. And although i have been so happy about my new relationship standings and the direction its going, I no longer will sit back and wait on a man to make me happy. I make me happy. This feeling has seriously empowered me for about an hour. I am me, and i am great with that. I am one of the strongest people i know, and one of the most loyal, and although that has gotten me in trouble in the past, I know that finding a woman like me would be amazing for any guy looking for a good girl.
I refuse to settle for a man who is unsure of who he is. (after all , I think its clear- i have dated that one before) Im moving on with my life with or without my new guy or any guy for that matter, and it's really up to him (or them) to figure out if they are going my direction or their own. For the first time EVER I am so content saying that and taking in the possibility that someone maybe isnt ready to catch me if I fall. Its amazing to look yourself in the eye and know your life is what you make it, and no one interfering with that will ever change your happiness with yourself.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
sometimes the dude just doesnt miss you
Why do people always tell you that if you ignore the man and act as if you don't care after a break up - "he will miss you!"?
My therapist told me this 2 weeks ago. In fact he was sure that if i cut off all contact with Chase for real this time, I would not only get results- him missing me- but i would also get the upper hand back and be able to move on knowing in the end I WON..( because lets be serious- that's what this is really all about) He was so sure of this that he even offered to give me my money back if in time this practice of me totally disappearing from Chase's life didn't prove to be successful.
Well Doctor... I am planning on dropping by your office today for a check. I will accept cash or credit though.
Not only does Chase not miss me,... he seems actually glad i have disappeared. Before he missed me at times of drama in our twisted saga, but now that hes had time apart from me and our addiction he seems to be glad. Not missing me one bit. (he even told me this)
truth is this... sometimes... the dude just wont miss you. sometimes, he's so over you that he wants to be with anyone but you and you moving on wont make him jealous, it'll make him relieved.
One result i can't deny is that Cutting off contact with Chase will ultimately make me get over this crazy epic drama. It just wont be because I won, or because he missed me and saw what a good girl he lost. In the long run I will move on. ( i think Dr. Matt tricked me with his first theory inorder to get this result) And although it does sting a little and piss me off that I wasnt the girl that "he lost" or that he'll always look back on with nostalgia and a smile, I am the girl that he lost ...For good. That's a Sigh of relief...... for both parties.
My therapist told me this 2 weeks ago. In fact he was sure that if i cut off all contact with Chase for real this time, I would not only get results- him missing me- but i would also get the upper hand back and be able to move on knowing in the end I WON..( because lets be serious- that's what this is really all about) He was so sure of this that he even offered to give me my money back if in time this practice of me totally disappearing from Chase's life didn't prove to be successful.
Well Doctor... I am planning on dropping by your office today for a check. I will accept cash or credit though.
Not only does Chase not miss me,... he seems actually glad i have disappeared. Before he missed me at times of drama in our twisted saga, but now that hes had time apart from me and our addiction he seems to be glad. Not missing me one bit. (he even told me this)
truth is this... sometimes... the dude just wont miss you. sometimes, he's so over you that he wants to be with anyone but you and you moving on wont make him jealous, it'll make him relieved.
One result i can't deny is that Cutting off contact with Chase will ultimately make me get over this crazy epic drama. It just wont be because I won, or because he missed me and saw what a good girl he lost. In the long run I will move on. ( i think Dr. Matt tricked me with his first theory inorder to get this result) And although it does sting a little and piss me off that I wasnt the girl that "he lost" or that he'll always look back on with nostalgia and a smile, I am the girl that he lost ...For good. That's a Sigh of relief...... for both parties.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
words we confuse with real life
Do we trick ourselves into being hopeful about words that don’t exist
I was driving tonight and thinking about the current happenings of my life and this past year. How things have affected my well being, my everyday dealings, my thoughts, my hopes, my heart…. The people that love you, the people that lose you, the people who crush you, and the people who just don’t give a rats ass about you… So I started thinking to myself about the people who have done me wrong. My friends always say … ‘karma is a bitch”… and stuff about fate and how much better off I will end up in the future. But do words like Karma and Fate really exist? Or are they just words we make ourselves believe in when someone stabs us in the back?
Take fate for example: (something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune) Are their paths we choose in life that alter our fate? Couples who are madly in love often believe that, that “fate” lead them to each other and without Fate nothing would have allowed them to meet and fall in love… Ironically, Couples who break up often believe in fate as well. That fate separated them because they weren’t “meant” for each other. Kinda like the soul mate belief too though. That “he’s my soul mate” crap. Like there is really one person in the whole world for another… let me just tell you- if that’s the case .. I had better start searching high and low now, because I’m 26, and I ain’t getting any younger. Time is precious at this point. (no doubt if that were the case id find the “meant for me” at around about 100 yrs old.. and croak the following day)
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. Or more commonly known as “what goes around comes around’. Sure we have all said it, thought it, even thought twice about doing something less than good to someone else in fear of it (Well most of us… who have a conscience) But isn’t there someone who will just point it out… Karma who? How do we even know there is Karma. ??? Sure your boyfriend left you for someone else… Sure you’d like to think “ohhhhhh that karma!!!... What goes around comes around!!!” In all reality… It may not come around! They may go through life happy as clams! She may even be “the one”. He may never treat her as shitty as he treated you. He may treat her like Gold…But that’s okay. Isn’t there a slight possibility that maybe you just weren’t the gold at the end of HIS rainbow?
I have come to realize this in the last few days: That I may always feel “life is unfair”, and that I got the “shitty end of the stick.” Truth be told, I really did. But believing fate or karma will make me feel better because someone will learn there lesson or maybe even feel bad for doing me wrong is silly. We believe in things like fate and karma because it gives us hope for a better scenario. Here’s the thing: Sometimes people just don’t care about your feelings. Sometimes Karma doesn’t happen. Nothing comes around. Nothing goes around. Fate doesn’t happen either, unless you consider it fate that they found each other ( make me gag). Some people just do what they want to and it doesn’t matter who may hurt or lose in the plan of them winning. That’s okay. Those are the people you leave behind. You look the other way, and keep on believing in the gold that is at the end of your rainbow.
I was driving tonight and thinking about the current happenings of my life and this past year. How things have affected my well being, my everyday dealings, my thoughts, my hopes, my heart…. The people that love you, the people that lose you, the people who crush you, and the people who just don’t give a rats ass about you… So I started thinking to myself about the people who have done me wrong. My friends always say … ‘karma is a bitch”… and stuff about fate and how much better off I will end up in the future. But do words like Karma and Fate really exist? Or are they just words we make ourselves believe in when someone stabs us in the back?
Take fate for example: (something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune) Are their paths we choose in life that alter our fate? Couples who are madly in love often believe that, that “fate” lead them to each other and without Fate nothing would have allowed them to meet and fall in love… Ironically, Couples who break up often believe in fate as well. That fate separated them because they weren’t “meant” for each other. Kinda like the soul mate belief too though. That “he’s my soul mate” crap. Like there is really one person in the whole world for another… let me just tell you- if that’s the case .. I had better start searching high and low now, because I’m 26, and I ain’t getting any younger. Time is precious at this point. (no doubt if that were the case id find the “meant for me” at around about 100 yrs old.. and croak the following day)
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. Or more commonly known as “what goes around comes around’. Sure we have all said it, thought it, even thought twice about doing something less than good to someone else in fear of it (Well most of us… who have a conscience) But isn’t there someone who will just point it out… Karma who? How do we even know there is Karma. ??? Sure your boyfriend left you for someone else… Sure you’d like to think “ohhhhhh that karma!!!... What goes around comes around!!!” In all reality… It may not come around! They may go through life happy as clams! She may even be “the one”. He may never treat her as shitty as he treated you. He may treat her like Gold…But that’s okay. Isn’t there a slight possibility that maybe you just weren’t the gold at the end of HIS rainbow?
I have come to realize this in the last few days: That I may always feel “life is unfair”, and that I got the “shitty end of the stick.” Truth be told, I really did. But believing fate or karma will make me feel better because someone will learn there lesson or maybe even feel bad for doing me wrong is silly. We believe in things like fate and karma because it gives us hope for a better scenario. Here’s the thing: Sometimes people just don’t care about your feelings. Sometimes Karma doesn’t happen. Nothing comes around. Nothing goes around. Fate doesn’t happen either, unless you consider it fate that they found each other ( make me gag). Some people just do what they want to and it doesn’t matter who may hurt or lose in the plan of them winning. That’s okay. Those are the people you leave behind. You look the other way, and keep on believing in the gold that is at the end of your rainbow.
Monday, August 11, 2008
sad or mad
S0o today i started the moment of bitter-ness. That's when you have been sad and inlove with someone for so long , that when they text you, you all the sudden have a feeling of rage. This last week i have been trying to "play it cool" when Chase called, and not be mad about the situation. I have failed miserably every time. Every day we have talked or texted, and knowing that he was unhappy with the new girl situation kinda made me hold on a little. Like I have no clue about the actual situation- that he is lying next to someone all nightlong, and spending his every waking second with her.... But then today, it was like.. don't text me - i care too much. Call her. text her. ( PS: im sure he is doing all of those things already)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
someone is eventually gonna have to go #2
You know how some people can just breakup with one person and immediately they are a-okay and ready for the next new guy or gal to come their way... aS if it was no big deal that they just got their heart trampled on!?! I know people like this. Its like one day they are breaking up with someone and upset and 24 hours later ( or so it seems) they are over it, and often falling for someone else.
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
to finally cry
shes here. "Chase's" girl... shes here.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??
Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.
i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??
Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.
i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.
Friday, August 1, 2008
TRUE Story
TRue StoRY...
Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.
Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.
Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.
About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...
Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.
As always my bestfriend to the rescue.
I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!
My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)
2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.
The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.
Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.
Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.
Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.
About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...
Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.
As always my bestfriend to the rescue.
I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!
My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)
2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.
The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
who was i kidding...
Who was i kidding? Peace with my soul? puh-leaseee... i must've written that on some sentimental quest for getting over love.
Clearly when i wrote that I was sober. Now i am not.
My outlook today is a little different now. Although im still content with my decisions to see him... i do miss him now more than i did before. That last night together did what it was supposed to, helped me forget about Mr jerkfaces text dumping and give me my "groove back".... But did it help to give me the closure i needed with him like i was spouting off about in the previous blog? ha... instead it gave me the realization of what i loved before... ( uhhh a duhh moment for all of you readers im sure...)
well bite me.
It's 1am.I had a few too many cocktails tonight, and I miss him. I miss him because this is the first day of reality ...REAL real reality . the reality i cant escape. It's the real, raw , in my face, this is really happening... time is ticking , and hes really moving on, reality. It really stares me in the face after a night with him (which i never thought would ever happen again) and drinking.. and quite frankly.. it has an ugly face. ( kinda like mr jerk faces ex girl friend. - but hey thats neither here nor there). The fact that i must really let this man go has come. I cant hate. I cant love. I cant even think about it anymore.
Clearly when i wrote that I was sober. Now i am not.
My outlook today is a little different now. Although im still content with my decisions to see him... i do miss him now more than i did before. That last night together did what it was supposed to, helped me forget about Mr jerkfaces text dumping and give me my "groove back".... But did it help to give me the closure i needed with him like i was spouting off about in the previous blog? ha... instead it gave me the realization of what i loved before... ( uhhh a duhh moment for all of you readers im sure...)
well bite me.
It's 1am.I had a few too many cocktails tonight, and I miss him. I miss him because this is the first day of reality ...REAL real reality . the reality i cant escape. It's the real, raw , in my face, this is really happening... time is ticking , and hes really moving on, reality. It really stares me in the face after a night with him (which i never thought would ever happen again) and drinking.. and quite frankly.. it has an ugly face. ( kinda like mr jerk faces ex girl friend. - but hey thats neither here nor there). The fact that i must really let this man go has come. I cant hate. I cant love. I cant even think about it anymore.
Friday, July 25, 2008
some say your ex... makes the....( the biggie rap- u know what i mean)
One last night with your ex.... hmmmmmm.... tricky subject. Bad bad bad idea. But sometimes its better to recycle then to create a new "thing' . ( its all about the environment here.. doing good for mankind)
So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.
So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.
It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.
So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.
So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.
It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.
Monday, July 21, 2008
date like a man...?
A fellow blogger "mel" left me a comment the other day ... "date like a man so u don't get played like a bitch"... and i knew what she meant, but it just seems hard to do when a man doesnt use his heart in the process at all.. Most the women i know are emotional and expressive and wear their heart on their sleeve.... But really, where else would you wear that muscle? Certainly not in the place it belongs, (in your chest) - oh no. We live in Florida the 2nd biggest saline implant state in the world and they take up all the space in that region.
wtf is wrong with us that we cant find room in our chest to leave the heart where it belongs? I don't have relationship issues uprooted from a childhood of not enough attention. Hell I'm an only child- the golden child at that. It's not even attention i need- i get plenty. Maybe some people are meant to be single. ( and keep your jokes to yourself- i will NEVER own cats! )I find that for most females trust can be hard to grasp so you can often shelter that aspect of a relationship. But once u finally open up and finally give a guy a real shot- its like the thrill of the chase for them is gone, and suddenly your not that hard to get girl anymore. You are the girl who could potentially care for them, Potentially be there girlfriend, potentially one day fall in love with them. I see great positives in this: Falling in love and falling for someone in general. I don't understand why so many men run from that possibility.why is it that we as women - have to play "the game" in order to keep you interested? doesn't the game ever bore you?( it bores the hell out of me). Not to mention it becomes stressful, and STUPID. At what age or time will a man really be okay with the chase being over and the true contentment of knowing he doesn't have to chase you anymore- your in His living room, watching HIS TV, cuddled up with him on HIS couch. Here's some food for thought guys.. their are plenty of other couches out there
Monday, July 14, 2008
PS...
sooo heres some real fabulous news... this bitch finally got a break
costco replaced the broken camara!
costco replaced the broken camara!
fabulous....
i saw this and it got me thinking tonight. ... just how fantastic i am. And i mean that as unconceited as possible.
Truth be told.. most of us are insecure about things. I am one of those people that come off as miss confident Usa, and then when you get to the heart of me, the real me , you'd find out I can be percieved ( by a cheater) as one of the most insecure people on earth. Chase, although i chased him, was very insecure himself. Probably stemming from childhood issues i would imagine, but rather than dealing he turned them on me. In the end i knew every single thing HE THOUGHT was wrong with me... whether it be i drink to much, i like myspace too much, my thighs are chubby, I am "psycho'" ( just laugh), etc etc etc. I left that relationship wondering who the hell i was , and if there was anything about me good at all. In my head i know im fabulous... but it hurts when someone you love tells you you are not worth anything.
Then in my current relationship, ( read "wtf" blogs) i have sat back trying to change my communication desires and relationship wants AND NEEDS to fit the mold of what this guy may or may not want. i thought about it today while driving home from an uneventful day at work. Why in the hell am i always compromising ME for someone else? Guys i mean.. I definatly do this. I change what they dont like to make them happy. I sit back and cater to their emotions ( or lack of) to make them comfortable. Only to make myself sooooooo uncomfortable that i am filled with worry about the entire dating process. It shouldnt be that way.
I am fabulous. And the sooner i can handle "all of that" .. the sooner i will find the man that agrees.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
chase, plus one.
so .. "chase" has moved on... which i get. In all honesty i wouldn't have it any other way but sometimes my heart and head get the best of me and i revert back to that "why wasn't it me " thought process. We have all been there. The guy can be the biggest ass on the planet ( and he is) but we still wonder, how is this new girl getting the guy i wanted to love her the way i wanted him to love me. How is he so nice to her and able to even imagine his lying cheating ass ever being faithful to anyone enough to feel trapped in a serious relationship. Doesn't he get that this will end his player ways?
They are moving in together. heart wrenching. like a knife, and salt.. and then theirs my wound. wide open ready for the next stab. Supposedly she is in nursing school and 'chase" is going to the police academy to be the biggest jerk of a cop Florida has to offer. But still... there is a part of me that sits back thinking.. "isn't that just fucken great!!!!????!!!! The cute little couple being do-gooders together" .... and here's the key element to the "oh whoa is me " i face daily... she is not only hot.. she is playboy hot. Knock out. probably one of the hottest girls I've ever seen.. so ... The love of my life has now moved on, and not only moved on, moved in, with the hottest girl ever. Isn't that some shit? your ex moves on with someone hotter than you!?????...( go ahead .. twist the knife. i can take it. )
not only did he put me through hell ... now he is the one who is happy and in love .. and i am the one still somewhat waiting for my ship to come in... and starting to lose hope.
They are moving in together. heart wrenching. like a knife, and salt.. and then theirs my wound. wide open ready for the next stab. Supposedly she is in nursing school and 'chase" is going to the police academy to be the biggest jerk of a cop Florida has to offer. But still... there is a part of me that sits back thinking.. "isn't that just fucken great!!!!????!!!! The cute little couple being do-gooders together" .... and here's the key element to the "oh whoa is me " i face daily... she is not only hot.. she is playboy hot. Knock out. probably one of the hottest girls I've ever seen.. so ... The love of my life has now moved on, and not only moved on, moved in, with the hottest girl ever. Isn't that some shit? your ex moves on with someone hotter than you!?????...( go ahead .. twist the knife. i can take it. )
not only did he put me through hell ... now he is the one who is happy and in love .. and i am the one still somewhat waiting for my ship to come in... and starting to lose hope.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
normal? nice? blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
so my old boss and friend "swerve" called me last night all distraught over some chick hes seeing. Now over the years i have heard him sweat many of women, and play many of them as well. He is one of those guys that is all about a girl, then over it ( ha, like many men) but this time he seemed really upset. He starting telling me about how he had finally changed his player ways and was really making the effort to show this girl he was ready for long term... only .. as he was telling her how much he cared about her- her phone went dead... how convenient right?
well if that had happened to me, i would have some sarcastic thing to assume like that. I'd give the guy ten minutes to locate his phone charger or the nearest pay phone.. or later i would mail him the 35 cents to call someone who cared.
so heres the thing.. why is it that women want this fairytale of a guy who will sweep them off there feet, and be faithful and give them the white picket fence life .. when they run from it the moment a glimpse of good comes there way? Im guilty of it myself. i think denise richards said it best on a recent episode of "its complicated"... everyone wants there single girl friend to find some great NORMAL guy who will treat them like the queen they are... but the reality is harsh. " wtf is normal anyway? normal to me is a bad guy.. and i cant help it i like bad guys" ( something like that- lets not be graphic here about what she really said about the male genitalia)
I feel this way. Wtf is normal? I struggle with this. There are plenty of fabulous kind good hearted guys out there whom never catch my eye bc im too busy "chasing" the bad ones... it's the challenge guys. the ones that keep us wondering... "he loves me , he loves me not"... or why the hell didnt he come home. ,... (sick i know) the truth is some women- myself- feed on the pain and the drama of the unknown.
the good news for the guys who are that nice guy... when these women grow the f&%k up... your the guy they want ... until then... leave the young at heart "chaser" and find your own picket fence.
well if that had happened to me, i would have some sarcastic thing to assume like that. I'd give the guy ten minutes to locate his phone charger or the nearest pay phone.. or later i would mail him the 35 cents to call someone who cared.
so heres the thing.. why is it that women want this fairytale of a guy who will sweep them off there feet, and be faithful and give them the white picket fence life .. when they run from it the moment a glimpse of good comes there way? Im guilty of it myself. i think denise richards said it best on a recent episode of "its complicated"... everyone wants there single girl friend to find some great NORMAL guy who will treat them like the queen they are... but the reality is harsh. " wtf is normal anyway? normal to me is a bad guy.. and i cant help it i like bad guys" ( something like that- lets not be graphic here about what she really said about the male genitalia)
I feel this way. Wtf is normal? I struggle with this. There are plenty of fabulous kind good hearted guys out there whom never catch my eye bc im too busy "chasing" the bad ones... it's the challenge guys. the ones that keep us wondering... "he loves me , he loves me not"... or why the hell didnt he come home. ,... (sick i know) the truth is some women- myself- feed on the pain and the drama of the unknown.
the good news for the guys who are that nice guy... when these women grow the f&%k up... your the guy they want ... until then... leave the young at heart "chaser" and find your own picket fence.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
oh boy! did i ever "chase"
let the nightmare begin... i mean really. what girl falls in love with the most unstable guy on the planet... and not only falls in love.. falls so deeply in love that a yr later she still is dealing with the repercussion's..... ME! DUH!!!!! ( and not just once, i might add.. i have this taste... bad taste buds!)
so my ex... we'l call him Chase. Chase because i chased his ass after he repeatedly took a shit on me. I highly considered calling him "Chuck" for chuck lidelle cause he is one of those big ass, bar fighter, ufc watching, roid ragers, but as i was writing this.."Chase" came to me...
so in the beginning .. Chase... was my friend. Close friend. He talked smarter than the other guys he ran with. He used big words, and he read. Or at least he told me he did... ( in between his shifts working as a bouncer.... at a club.... -no more details on that) anyway.. he was sweet and he cared. I later found out he was just a damn good smooth talker. he knew what to say... As close friends i had no idea about all the girls he smoothly talked to.. but dammit! i wish someone would have told me...
so somehow we cross the boundaries of friends into dating. From the first night i stayed with him, we were damn near inseparable. I felt comfortable from the start,.,, (which never happens with me)- read my other blog about the kiss... i mean i never warm rt up to anyone. For the first time tho in a long time i felt like this was just "right"... I fell in love. that kind of love where you think this is definitely "the one" ... i told my grandmother that...
but as always with me good things come to an end and we hit a bad streak. We were practically living together ( totally unofficially) and although i felt right at home with him.. the fighting began, and alot of it. He wasn't always nice to me. He put me down inn his rages, and i returned the favor in my drunk moments. Little by little though, friends started coming out the woodwork,,...saying "thats how he is..."
ha... really? well thanks fellas.. could u have warned me... ?
so 2 days before his bday.. he breaks up with me... -starting the long goodbye process ( what my mother calls it when my ex and i hang on to eachother for a yr after the initial goodbye) the night of his bday. my girls and our friends take him out... we have a great time... clearly this guy loves me, i love him.. wel get back together! wrong!!!!!!! no.. CHASE will string me along for what seems like the next decade... ( hahahhahhah funny i say that... bc i have an ex that strung me along for a decade - we'l talk about that one later- somebody help me remember to write a blog based on "birthdays")
So ... a yr of back and forth takes place... he sleeps with other girls while telling me i need to change and we'l get back together.... I needed to change what???? i mean i guess i should be okay with finding out chase was fucking every girl in town behind my back... and not be so damn jealous...?? rigggggggggggghhhtt! ... yeah we were broken up but the kind of broken up where your on "the break'- those of you not familiar with the break.... well thats the time when you arent together cause a guy like "chase" wants to chase other girls, while you sit at home and wait on his ass. Which is exactly what i did. we still hung out. we still were sleeping together.. we still were talking and telling eachother every time one of us took a piss or even took a damn breath. people would assume (until they saw chase "chasing " in the club) that we were still together... and this went on for a very long time... and thats where i'll leave off.... the beginning and middle of "chase"... the end will follow in a later blog. typically as a mean text from him or something comes in and i need to vent =)
so my ex... we'l call him Chase. Chase because i chased his ass after he repeatedly took a shit on me. I highly considered calling him "Chuck" for chuck lidelle cause he is one of those big ass, bar fighter, ufc watching, roid ragers, but as i was writing this.."Chase" came to me...
so in the beginning .. Chase... was my friend. Close friend. He talked smarter than the other guys he ran with. He used big words, and he read. Or at least he told me he did... ( in between his shifts working as a bouncer.... at a club.... -no more details on that) anyway.. he was sweet and he cared. I later found out he was just a damn good smooth talker. he knew what to say... As close friends i had no idea about all the girls he smoothly talked to.. but dammit! i wish someone would have told me...
so somehow we cross the boundaries of friends into dating. From the first night i stayed with him, we were damn near inseparable. I felt comfortable from the start,.,, (which never happens with me)- read my other blog about the kiss... i mean i never warm rt up to anyone. For the first time tho in a long time i felt like this was just "right"... I fell in love. that kind of love where you think this is definitely "the one" ... i told my grandmother that...
but as always with me good things come to an end and we hit a bad streak. We were practically living together ( totally unofficially) and although i felt right at home with him.. the fighting began, and alot of it. He wasn't always nice to me. He put me down inn his rages, and i returned the favor in my drunk moments. Little by little though, friends started coming out the woodwork,,...saying "thats how he is..."
ha... really? well thanks fellas.. could u have warned me... ?
so 2 days before his bday.. he breaks up with me... -starting the long goodbye process ( what my mother calls it when my ex and i hang on to eachother for a yr after the initial goodbye) the night of his bday. my girls and our friends take him out... we have a great time... clearly this guy loves me, i love him.. wel get back together! wrong!!!!!!! no.. CHASE will string me along for what seems like the next decade... ( hahahhahhah funny i say that... bc i have an ex that strung me along for a decade - we'l talk about that one later- somebody help me remember to write a blog based on "birthdays")
So ... a yr of back and forth takes place... he sleeps with other girls while telling me i need to change and we'l get back together.... I needed to change what???? i mean i guess i should be okay with finding out chase was fucking every girl in town behind my back... and not be so damn jealous...?? rigggggggggggghhhtt! ... yeah we were broken up but the kind of broken up where your on "the break'- those of you not familiar with the break.... well thats the time when you arent together cause a guy like "chase" wants to chase other girls, while you sit at home and wait on his ass. Which is exactly what i did. we still hung out. we still were sleeping together.. we still were talking and telling eachother every time one of us took a piss or even took a damn breath. people would assume (until they saw chase "chasing " in the club) that we were still together... and this went on for a very long time... and thats where i'll leave off.... the beginning and middle of "chase"... the end will follow in a later blog. typically as a mean text from him or something comes in and i need to vent =)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
and ps...
this was my mother's idea. She apparently has become far too nervous that i may never get married ... and thinks i must find something to channel all this single free time into. I think she is also very aware that someone may consider my humor and expressions.. either funny... smart.. or damn near annoying.. but maybe somehow i will find "me" out of this...or an expensive advertiser to support my single ass.
i say, it took carrie bradshaw till 40 to find a cheater and i found quite a few at 26... im good. thanks mom.
anway this is how this all started,... so here i am. in the raw.
and just for the record... names will be changed to protect the guilty and character-less. ( not trying to dog all you people of mine out there.. not to your face) my best friend Ashleigh stays the same;. i'l let her be her.
as for me... im 26. im single. and im desperatly seeking to find out what the hell is going on .... with life.
i say, it took carrie bradshaw till 40 to find a cheater and i found quite a few at 26... im good. thanks mom.
anway this is how this all started,... so here i am. in the raw.
and just for the record... names will be changed to protect the guilty and character-less. ( not trying to dog all you people of mine out there.. not to your face) my best friend Ashleigh stays the same;. i'l let her be her.
as for me... im 26. im single. and im desperatly seeking to find out what the hell is going on .... with life.
true life episode....
I'm gonna start my blogging in the present... my current status of life.... this bitch just cant get a break...
if something bad is gonna happen (and i mean bad..lightly) .. it'l happen to me. I like to think of it as my little black cloud.. occassionaly becoming my little black tornado...that follows me everywhere. I used to think that someone had it in for me "up stairs.." ... or that maybe i had been some horrible cheater of a wife in my past life... all of which could be possibilities but for now im content just admitting good 'ol..old fashioned bad luck.
for example.. i love camaras. i love pictures. especially pictures that showcase my friends and i being wild ... so i saved up money last summer and bought one.. 2 weeks later.. it was stolen... at the club! and in my wildest of drunken rages... i cried andstomped my feet and proudly almost got kicked out of that club... so i vowed to be camara-less... and never buy one again... until now.. a mth ago. i bought a cute like purple nikon.. used specifically to document my good times.. and what happens in the midst of the 4th of july festivities last friday... ( yeah food fun and fireworks my ass)... my friend drops it! and blah! ITS BROKE! FOR GOOD!
is it a curse? the camara curse???
either way... im again... camara-less...
i went and saw sex in the city for the 2nd time this weekend. I for one must enjoy the painful being left at the alter scene far too much... i think im secretly planning what my reaction will be when i probably have the same thing happen to me one day ( are you following..??? the bad luck thing remember) yeah... that whole scene... thats me... wanting to kill myself and hitting the asshole groom ( whom by the way should have never gotten the chance to be with carrie.. ( or me either for that matter) ... while my girl friends hold me back from my rage and anger and loss of will to live. My bestfriends and i laugh..cause that is totally us... only in a lesser sense... for one- i was never getting married... (haha or probably ever) and for two- our scenes are usually enduced with alcohol and way too much drunken emotion...
so thats where i leave off today ... and in the meantime... my true life episode: this bitch cant get a break is to be continued
if something bad is gonna happen (and i mean bad..lightly) .. it'l happen to me. I like to think of it as my little black cloud.. occassionaly becoming my little black tornado...that follows me everywhere. I used to think that someone had it in for me "up stairs.." ... or that maybe i had been some horrible cheater of a wife in my past life... all of which could be possibilities but for now im content just admitting good 'ol..old fashioned bad luck.
for example.. i love camaras. i love pictures. especially pictures that showcase my friends and i being wild ... so i saved up money last summer and bought one.. 2 weeks later.. it was stolen... at the club! and in my wildest of drunken rages... i cried andstomped my feet and proudly almost got kicked out of that club... so i vowed to be camara-less... and never buy one again... until now.. a mth ago. i bought a cute like purple nikon.. used specifically to document my good times.. and what happens in the midst of the 4th of july festivities last friday... ( yeah food fun and fireworks my ass)... my friend drops it! and blah! ITS BROKE! FOR GOOD!
is it a curse? the camara curse???
either way... im again... camara-less...
i went and saw sex in the city for the 2nd time this weekend. I for one must enjoy the painful being left at the alter scene far too much... i think im secretly planning what my reaction will be when i probably have the same thing happen to me one day ( are you following..??? the bad luck thing remember) yeah... that whole scene... thats me... wanting to kill myself and hitting the asshole groom ( whom by the way should have never gotten the chance to be with carrie.. ( or me either for that matter) ... while my girl friends hold me back from my rage and anger and loss of will to live. My bestfriends and i laugh..cause that is totally us... only in a lesser sense... for one- i was never getting married... (haha or probably ever) and for two- our scenes are usually enduced with alcohol and way too much drunken emotion...
so thats where i leave off today ... and in the meantime... my true life episode: this bitch cant get a break is to be continued
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)