maybe she is THis time...
guys always say that though: " she's crazy! she's obsessed with me! she's mad I don't want her" " shes psycho' she's stalking me"...
well..,,was she stalking u the night u invited her in for a casual romp in ur man made platform bed?
...just wondering.
never the less ... a girl that keeps contacting me and now having her friends request me on Facebook only to blow my page up ( and inbox) w the same stuff I've already been told- just might really be crazy. clearly head over heels for the guy I have left waiting in the wings for me for a year. it's crazy bc these girls keep contacting me SURE that I am sleeping w my ex and having no respect for myself- they are dying to know why I don't care about the claims they have made...., well news flash crazies- I'm lot sleeping w him!!!!!!! I don't have to! he has wanted me back since last year... I merely have to breathe and I'm good in his book. I accept gifts and all his hardwork around my house but I am by no means a booty call for a guy who clearly must earn me back..,, um isn't that what this crazy girl is for???
a 29 year old man - sex obsessed - had to sleep w someone so I expect him to unless we are together. we are not together at this point, and he's getting no nookie from me so naturally he needs to fulfill that need elsewhere. I don't see this as an issue- the only issue I'm having is I do not deserve the drama - I have never given him anything of the sort. I'd gladly ask though that If this cat plans to pine for me continuously could he please not sleep w/ psycho paths bc this is getting real old... how about we ring in the new year w a nice girl? or better yet take a good look in the mirror buddy- sex w these crazies has gotten u no where... maybe u should consider a few months of celibacy and keep ur pants on. something tells me it would be a lot less stress - for all panty wearers involved.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I got had.
Apparently I'm not as smart as I thought I was... Nancy drew had officially been had!
My ex whom has begged me back religiously the last 12 months has finally made way and gotten me to open up and reconsider what we had and our life together... The last month has been good.. Reminiscing, playing a crooked version of house ( where's he doesn't live here) and I even took him out for his birthday.
I often say that out of all the guys I've ever dated he REALLY loves me and maybe I should give this a second chance. You might even hear me say" he got cold feet when he was supposed to propose but he's not a bad guy" ... Truth be told, that's what I believed. I mean after all he does WHATEVER I ask- takes me dog out when I travel for work, builds a shelf for me on a Sunday all bc I randomly decided I need one... Even helped my dad redo my closets last night while he was in town... Enough to earn him a free dinner at outback too ! ( that's when it gets messy.. Don't involve the parents)
So after dinner and DAteline w my dad, a bliss filled Friday night in my opinion, the inbox on Facebook blows up and there it is - yet another heartbroken, semi psycho girl pleading her case about how she and the lier are dating- how she just stayed at his house last night, and then documents his outfit. She goes to great lengths to prove her point making sure she gives me every detail she possibly can just invade I doubt her... Which in my professional people judging opinion is kinda pathetic but whatever. I get it- she's hurt. She wants to make sure I'm hurt. And more importantly he's hurt and without us both. ( women do this! They pull out all the stops to make sure neither of you go back to the cheater)
Well.. I've been had. I can admit it. Again the lier has left me shocked. So in love with me, so needing of me, and still so sure I'm His "one" yet so capable of leading a separate life... I think I shock myself that I am so oblivious to this. No matter how you slice the pie though, the pie has been sliced and no good detective can take back good info they've learned and pretend they didn't hear it! The liers little cat is out of the bag and crawling around... And now it's up to me and my detective like skills to throw in the towel, and when it comes to this clown- retire from detective work.
My ex whom has begged me back religiously the last 12 months has finally made way and gotten me to open up and reconsider what we had and our life together... The last month has been good.. Reminiscing, playing a crooked version of house ( where's he doesn't live here) and I even took him out for his birthday.
I often say that out of all the guys I've ever dated he REALLY loves me and maybe I should give this a second chance. You might even hear me say" he got cold feet when he was supposed to propose but he's not a bad guy" ... Truth be told, that's what I believed. I mean after all he does WHATEVER I ask- takes me dog out when I travel for work, builds a shelf for me on a Sunday all bc I randomly decided I need one... Even helped my dad redo my closets last night while he was in town... Enough to earn him a free dinner at outback too ! ( that's when it gets messy.. Don't involve the parents)
So after dinner and DAteline w my dad, a bliss filled Friday night in my opinion, the inbox on Facebook blows up and there it is - yet another heartbroken, semi psycho girl pleading her case about how she and the lier are dating- how she just stayed at his house last night, and then documents his outfit. She goes to great lengths to prove her point making sure she gives me every detail she possibly can just invade I doubt her... Which in my professional people judging opinion is kinda pathetic but whatever. I get it- she's hurt. She wants to make sure I'm hurt. And more importantly he's hurt and without us both. ( women do this! They pull out all the stops to make sure neither of you go back to the cheater)
Well.. I've been had. I can admit it. Again the lier has left me shocked. So in love with me, so needing of me, and still so sure I'm His "one" yet so capable of leading a separate life... I think I shock myself that I am so oblivious to this. No matter how you slice the pie though, the pie has been sliced and no good detective can take back good info they've learned and pretend they didn't hear it! The liers little cat is out of the bag and crawling around... And now it's up to me and my detective like skills to throw in the towel, and when it comes to this clown- retire from detective work.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Under the knife
3am... Wide awake!
I got my boobs done again today.. Now 11 years ago this thing had me asleep and in pain 2 days- this round, im strait chillen and awake at 3am!
Come on sleeping pill kick in!
So my first thought when i came to was...." they are not that big"
Actually though my size should have gone up slightly they are not any bigger at all- bummer number 1. The second bummer is the fact that ive been hungry and eating- i had such high hopes of starvation and sleep for two days!!!
They give u a pain pump now- this thing is nothing short of a miracle worker cause to be honest ive had little pain at all!
So how long am i going to skip the gym... Ummmm . Im plotting going sunday and atleast sitting on the bike.. I know i should wait but fat is not a cute look for me!
I just hope for a speedy recovery. Their are gym class goers missing me and i miss them! Ready to teach, burn calories and yes... Show off these badboys!..( that really look no different)
I got my boobs done again today.. Now 11 years ago this thing had me asleep and in pain 2 days- this round, im strait chillen and awake at 3am!
Come on sleeping pill kick in!
So my first thought when i came to was...." they are not that big"
Actually though my size should have gone up slightly they are not any bigger at all- bummer number 1. The second bummer is the fact that ive been hungry and eating- i had such high hopes of starvation and sleep for two days!!!
They give u a pain pump now- this thing is nothing short of a miracle worker cause to be honest ive had little pain at all!
So how long am i going to skip the gym... Ummmm . Im plotting going sunday and atleast sitting on the bike.. I know i should wait but fat is not a cute look for me!
I just hope for a speedy recovery. Their are gym class goers missing me and i miss them! Ready to teach, burn calories and yes... Show off these badboys!..( that really look no different)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
So just subscribe.
Probably my best blog of 2011 is leopards dont change their spots... If your ever bored though read my older stuff, - eventually someone is going to have to go number 2 is also one i like.
I have another page called " wtf just happened" dedicated to a short time and a very strange relationship- those are laugh worthy!
Enjoy!
Ps ignore the recent worsened negative tude. Im 29. A lil heartbroke and nervous over my lack of control. Ive got my health ... My botox.. My body is rockin rt now.. And at 29 im hotter than i was at 25. Hello thursday. Im awesome again!
I have another page called " wtf just happened" dedicated to a short time and a very strange relationship- those are laugh worthy!
Enjoy!
Ps ignore the recent worsened negative tude. Im 29. A lil heartbroke and nervous over my lack of control. Ive got my health ... My botox.. My body is rockin rt now.. And at 29 im hotter than i was at 25. Hello thursday. Im awesome again!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
desperately seeking.... anything.
im feeling a little sorry for myself this week, and a little lonely- obviously this is why i suddenly am writing again....and with no facebook im clearly bored.... so forgive me in advance for the negative vibes. i certainly dont mean to be. things just dont make sense. the older and wiser i become the more rediculous i feel about emotions and where i am in my life.
i find that i do wake up and wonder everyday when is my turn.
when will i find my purpose?
i often feel i am searching daily. for something. anything. nothing means anything - and i feel empty more often than not - living day to day trying to build a life on nothing-ness. I have all the makings of "great" and there is missing pieces.
i am happiest when i am teaching. when i am motivating people in my spin classes or my body pump classes... when after i teach kickboxing people come up to me and are in "awwwwwe" of how many calories they just burned. i fascinate myself. its REALLY the only thing i do well and am proud of. everything else is secondary. and although i know i am a good leader.. its more so because i have been told that. The teaching stuff on the other hand i kinda fell into and just came so natural to me that i found out by doing it how good i actually was. and without sounding cocky- it is truly the ONLY thing i am confident about.
if you met me you might think i was confident about everything. I DO FRONT that way. its quite a front i put on. i could win an oscar for the act i portray!!! confident, cocky, funny, and very succesful - quite frankly a young girl on her way. if you knew the real me though you'd know.. theres a little girl in here -that doesnt think she will ever be pretty enough, thin enough or good enough . she will never win. although she strives to win. AT EVERYTHING. and when she doesnt win, it breaks her down further. the negetive comes from the constant trying to win, and not winning.
but even at the teaching... i naturally have good rhythm, the beat of the music, the 8 counts, the fitness moves all come NATURAL to me... i make up no routine, i teach off the cuff.. much as i like to do in my every day life. i am better off the cuff in all aspects. i speak better that way, i plan better that way, and i write better that way. i find when i over prepare for things -sorta like if i were to over prepare and make up routines for my classes- i would over think it, and likely stress myself out worse- and its clear i already put the pressure on in all instances- so that could be tragic! i sometimes think maybe my purpose is fitness and teaching... but not all aspects of that industry i like - i just like the physical being in front of the class and actually teaching for that 60 minutes - the rest of that crap - the certifications and online videos and stuff- ugh... no thank you.
i dont know what i am looking for... or who.
i hope i find it though - otherwise it is going to be a very long, life of bloggs and self help books for reading - and lots of fitness classes..i will be skinnny though=) that you can bet.
i find that i do wake up and wonder everyday when is my turn.
when will i find my purpose?
i often feel i am searching daily. for something. anything. nothing means anything - and i feel empty more often than not - living day to day trying to build a life on nothing-ness. I have all the makings of "great" and there is missing pieces.
i am happiest when i am teaching. when i am motivating people in my spin classes or my body pump classes... when after i teach kickboxing people come up to me and are in "awwwwwe" of how many calories they just burned. i fascinate myself. its REALLY the only thing i do well and am proud of. everything else is secondary. and although i know i am a good leader.. its more so because i have been told that. The teaching stuff on the other hand i kinda fell into and just came so natural to me that i found out by doing it how good i actually was. and without sounding cocky- it is truly the ONLY thing i am confident about.
if you met me you might think i was confident about everything. I DO FRONT that way. its quite a front i put on. i could win an oscar for the act i portray!!! confident, cocky, funny, and very succesful - quite frankly a young girl on her way. if you knew the real me though you'd know.. theres a little girl in here -that doesnt think she will ever be pretty enough, thin enough or good enough . she will never win. although she strives to win. AT EVERYTHING. and when she doesnt win, it breaks her down further. the negetive comes from the constant trying to win, and not winning.
but even at the teaching... i naturally have good rhythm, the beat of the music, the 8 counts, the fitness moves all come NATURAL to me... i make up no routine, i teach off the cuff.. much as i like to do in my every day life. i am better off the cuff in all aspects. i speak better that way, i plan better that way, and i write better that way. i find when i over prepare for things -sorta like if i were to over prepare and make up routines for my classes- i would over think it, and likely stress myself out worse- and its clear i already put the pressure on in all instances- so that could be tragic! i sometimes think maybe my purpose is fitness and teaching... but not all aspects of that industry i like - i just like the physical being in front of the class and actually teaching for that 60 minutes - the rest of that crap - the certifications and online videos and stuff- ugh... no thank you.
i dont know what i am looking for... or who.
i hope i find it though - otherwise it is going to be a very long, life of bloggs and self help books for reading - and lots of fitness classes..i will be skinnny though=) that you can bet.
Holiday savings.
Full on admittance... The absolute number one thing that makes being single in the holiday season awesome is... Saving money!!!!!! I look back on years past and im totally 200-500 dollars richer this year!
There is also nothing worse than heartbreak. So maybe that is your price. Your holiday fee. Rather than gifts- you save the cash and spend on your heart. That cost is often far more expensive bc we all know we would spend any amount of money, walk to the ends of the earth to not feel heartbreak-there is nothing so painful and so miserable than wanting the gift of love, having it, losing it, and not knowing why.
So since i am saving in dollars and cents this year im going to start by making a resolution to save up for good sense in 2012. May 2012 bring me a prosperous holiday season... Filled with lots of gifts!
There is also nothing worse than heartbreak. So maybe that is your price. Your holiday fee. Rather than gifts- you save the cash and spend on your heart. That cost is often far more expensive bc we all know we would spend any amount of money, walk to the ends of the earth to not feel heartbreak-there is nothing so painful and so miserable than wanting the gift of love, having it, losing it, and not knowing why.
So since i am saving in dollars and cents this year im going to start by making a resolution to save up for good sense in 2012. May 2012 bring me a prosperous holiday season... Filled with lots of gifts!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
missing facebook...
so i deactivated my facebook account last week on impulse... and now its killing me. that's how you know your addicted to something. when you literally are begging it back. ( much like most of my addictions) i was having one of those days. well i have been having a weird month or 2 actually. i dyed my hair from blonde again back to dark- again on impulse... so impulsive, that if my hair girl didn't get me in... i was going to box color it.. and we all know how traumatic that can be for ones strands.... the nerve of me! and then i turned to facebook... when in doubt.. and no control over your current scenario... face book is always a good start,..... and it makes you look ....'oh-so-mature".... so ... in the most maturest of fashions, i started by deleting those whom i felt may be a) toxic to my life or b) pointless in my life. well when that didn't solve my feelings of whatever it was i feeling.. i took a leap of faith on my own personal little voice box inside my head...and it says to me daily :
" your amazing. (well this is how it starts)... you sit on facebook to much. you are sort of obsessed with sharing your thoughts, and guess what... no one gives a fuck! no one cares your miserable today. so cut it... and BY THE WAY self!!!!!!- looking at things you likely shouldn't see on facebook anyway is damaging to your heart and your arguably crazy head. you my friend are your worst enemy.. and ps... on a side note... your a little wild on this personal facebook. take it off for awhile . your job will thank you".
now i never planned to keep it off forever. merely a few weeks. take some time to focus on work... and maybe even "me" a little. bettering myself. plus it couldnt hurt to try something new and really... its only facebook! but i have to be honest.....IM BORED. and ... every picture i have ever uploaded and tagged a friend in - is gone! we all found that out the hardway - when my roommate realized we no longer have any pics!!!! I'm the one who loads all the albums and basically EVERY thing we have done the last year is gone!
i know what your thinking- who cares... and rightfully so... but .... i have found that SEVERAL texts have come in asking me to be back on facebook.. and despite my thinking that "no one cares" some people find my miserable humor, comical, and enlightening day to day and they are now a little bored without my "shenanigans. (so i am told) which brings me to my blog. i no longer care that someone i know may read this and find out what im really thinking. i no longer will filter what i feel - bc people don't want to hear it. again as i said in the last one.. as it is 'my facebook" its my blog . i say what i want. no judging. just reading.
\
i find this - writing in general to be an outlet for me. i hate talking on the phone. ask my friends - i hate it. i would text or email all day... this is why i like facebook.. i can express thru humor or rage in a status exactly how my entire day is- in 2 sentences.. and people i haven't talked to in 2 years have just been updated on my life. its genius if you ask me. im beginning to see that what i miss about facebook- and i have only been deactivated for 1 WEEK... (lol).... IS THE EXPRESSION. the chance to write.. to make people laugh daily. whether i am sad, heartbroken, happy, or utterly angry to the point of no return, i find when i write it, i feel better about it, and my friends can relate... (sometimes.. i mean, not everyone can relate.. my antics are top notch)... so blog away i say... as long as i can think of something to bitch about or blab about I'm on my way... enjoy!
" your amazing. (well this is how it starts)... you sit on facebook to much. you are sort of obsessed with sharing your thoughts, and guess what... no one gives a fuck! no one cares your miserable today. so cut it... and BY THE WAY self!!!!!!- looking at things you likely shouldn't see on facebook anyway is damaging to your heart and your arguably crazy head. you my friend are your worst enemy.. and ps... on a side note... your a little wild on this personal facebook. take it off for awhile . your job will thank you".
now i never planned to keep it off forever. merely a few weeks. take some time to focus on work... and maybe even "me" a little. bettering myself. plus it couldnt hurt to try something new and really... its only facebook! but i have to be honest.....IM BORED. and ... every picture i have ever uploaded and tagged a friend in - is gone! we all found that out the hardway - when my roommate realized we no longer have any pics!!!! I'm the one who loads all the albums and basically EVERY thing we have done the last year is gone!
i know what your thinking- who cares... and rightfully so... but .... i have found that SEVERAL texts have come in asking me to be back on facebook.. and despite my thinking that "no one cares" some people find my miserable humor, comical, and enlightening day to day and they are now a little bored without my "shenanigans. (so i am told) which brings me to my blog. i no longer care that someone i know may read this and find out what im really thinking. i no longer will filter what i feel - bc people don't want to hear it. again as i said in the last one.. as it is 'my facebook" its my blog . i say what i want. no judging. just reading.
\
i find this - writing in general to be an outlet for me. i hate talking on the phone. ask my friends - i hate it. i would text or email all day... this is why i like facebook.. i can express thru humor or rage in a status exactly how my entire day is- in 2 sentences.. and people i haven't talked to in 2 years have just been updated on my life. its genius if you ask me. im beginning to see that what i miss about facebook- and i have only been deactivated for 1 WEEK... (lol).... IS THE EXPRESSION. the chance to write.. to make people laugh daily. whether i am sad, heartbroken, happy, or utterly angry to the point of no return, i find when i write it, i feel better about it, and my friends can relate... (sometimes.. i mean, not everyone can relate.. my antics are top notch)... so blog away i say... as long as i can think of something to bitch about or blab about I'm on my way... enjoy!
Monday, November 14, 2011
nope.... nothing new. still confused.
Love is a funny thing. One day you’re in it – one day you’re not in it. One day you’re in it… one day the object of your affections is not in it and leaves you, left in it… chasing to get them back in it.. it’s like a tug of war. It’s a wonder when you hear of couples who have been married for 50 years- that they ever made it.
in this day and age- the falling in and out of love, the hearts that break, around me,,, how does anyone make it more than 6 MThs? Much less two years.. or 10?
I thought –as we have seen in the last year- that I would be getting married. And now that I have had a taste of the single life I am not sure I want that either – contrary to popular belief- when I say that – a taste of the single life”… its not what you think…I am NOT out there dating and sowing some sort of wild oat at 29 I missed at 21. Trust me. I sowed them over the years! If anything I am less into dating now than I ever was. I actually repel dating. ( boy! I sound awesome don’t i… ??? Totally, the kind of “gal” ya just can’t wait to meet at the bar!) But it’s all truth. Truth be told. Dating is annoying. I have absolutely no desire to do it. I find Dateline to be more enticing on a Friday night than a date, if that tells you anything. I am simply OVER THE fall in love , get your heart broken time and time again crap that happens every time and done taking chances on it. I took a chance this last few times … well really I took a chance my entire life, and I don’t feel it benefited me in the end, at all. I was left the one hurting- and in the end, I now am left finally sticking up and saying FUCK THAT. its not fair.
Lifes not fair –true- .again
I really don’t know any more what I want. I have a fear of being single forever… I want children. So this is scary. And sure… the celebrities are adopting left and right.. but I do love the idea of a family. Its cliché to say normal… but I’m saying it anyway- this is MY BLOG. I SAY WHAT I WANT. I want a normal family. Its SLIGHTLY an issue though when you refuse to date .. to meet someone … how the hell am I ever going to meet someone , ever going to marry and have the white picket fence, or beaver cleaver lifestyle I so desperately want ? How will I ever be a desperate housewife on wisteria lane with this hateful I hate dating attitude if I’m not willing to alter my thoughts about dating in general???? I’m stumped too.. trust me I think about this pretty much very day. I should likely stop obsessing about what I obsess about for starters…..
in this day and age- the falling in and out of love, the hearts that break, around me,,, how does anyone make it more than 6 MThs? Much less two years.. or 10?
I thought –as we have seen in the last year- that I would be getting married. And now that I have had a taste of the single life I am not sure I want that either – contrary to popular belief- when I say that – a taste of the single life”… its not what you think…I am NOT out there dating and sowing some sort of wild oat at 29 I missed at 21. Trust me. I sowed them over the years! If anything I am less into dating now than I ever was. I actually repel dating. ( boy! I sound awesome don’t i… ??? Totally, the kind of “gal” ya just can’t wait to meet at the bar!) But it’s all truth. Truth be told. Dating is annoying. I have absolutely no desire to do it. I find Dateline to be more enticing on a Friday night than a date, if that tells you anything. I am simply OVER THE fall in love , get your heart broken time and time again crap that happens every time and done taking chances on it. I took a chance this last few times … well really I took a chance my entire life, and I don’t feel it benefited me in the end, at all. I was left the one hurting- and in the end, I now am left finally sticking up and saying FUCK THAT. its not fair.
Lifes not fair –true- .again
I really don’t know any more what I want. I have a fear of being single forever… I want children. So this is scary. And sure… the celebrities are adopting left and right.. but I do love the idea of a family. Its cliché to say normal… but I’m saying it anyway- this is MY BLOG. I SAY WHAT I WANT. I want a normal family. Its SLIGHTLY an issue though when you refuse to date .. to meet someone … how the hell am I ever going to meet someone , ever going to marry and have the white picket fence, or beaver cleaver lifestyle I so desperately want ? How will I ever be a desperate housewife on wisteria lane with this hateful I hate dating attitude if I’m not willing to alter my thoughts about dating in general???? I’m stumped too.. trust me I think about this pretty much very day. I should likely stop obsessing about what I obsess about for starters…..
Saturday, June 4, 2011
leopards dont change their spots.
so, in the reality i call my life, i got reminded yesterday why i started writing these blogs in the first place.... in " my real world" my dating life is so screwed up its entirely too entertaining to not share with the rest of the hopeless romantics - or if your like me- skeptics of the world...
no, in true heartbreak fashion the last 6-8 months of my life has been a whirl wind and exactly what i needed when it comes to writing about how "this bitch cant get a break"....
thank you life, for a second there i thought things were going so smoothly that i no longer needed to complain....
so here i am , 29 ( yes i started this at 26...), back - single... and heres how it all went down.. just a little catch you up to speed scenerio:
christmas 2010 should have been a splendid one...the most splendid of christmas's a woman can have... under a tree, should be a purse maybe, maybe something you had been wanting or an outfit, and ...A very small box... A RING. instead... there was a window tint job and that good ol purse. all of these are fine gifts- but a woman of 28 3/4 years old whom is wanting to marry her man of 2 yrs... this is a let down. (esp. whom she already shares a home, a back account and a combined phone bill).. a let down.
i saw it coming... when he bought the ring ( the ring i should have recieved) i knew in my heart there was issues that i may be settling for, but i wanted to get married. all around me people were!why not me? i wanted to plan a wedding... i was eager to start the process.... and in return i was being held off till christmas... well until.... i instead found out he was cheating on me...
yes.. my life partner, the guy i had carefully selected to marry (if he asked) was cheating.. with a crooked grin, amazon of a woman with a kid. oh and i think she is a topless dancer.
need i say more?
so january- i make him move out and my bestfriend moves in. at the time i was devastated- my WHOLE WORLD WAS SHOOK AND the changes i was enduring were unbearable. plus.. i DONT LIKE TO LOSE. i lost -i was cheated on! BUT,i had no idea, how that loss would eventually prove to be FATE. my fate and my savior from marrying the wrong man...
SO JUMP AHEAD A COUPLE OF MONTHS:
i was going to marry the wrong man, and the hurt he caused was luck.
on the flipside, he is now devastated, and i finally see what its like to have someone hurt over you.... all those times i desperately wanted to be "wanted" and have the ex realize he fucked up... and now i have it....it's staring at me every day.. in my text box, or on the phone.. and i gotta be honest- its not so awesome after all.... truth is, no mattter how they hurt you, when your in a marriage worthy scenerio- IT DOES NOT feel good to know your hurting someone.
the fact that i have moved on and realize now that i was settling , hurts me worse, just to know hes so heartbroken ....
for most of us, or atleast me and my roommate being a good hearted person has its down falls. "my weakness is: i care to much". i can honestly say i have been this way my whole life no matter what man (BOY) has decided to come in my life and break my heart... i always try to help them at their weakest moment, even after all i have been thru... i put myself aside, drop my own feelings and cheer them on. ....which is where im at CURRENT. although i am letting this one down, there is another from the past that crept back in, and again i have accepted the flaws, let my own awesome-ness be pushed aside, and swooped in to pick up the peices in the mess that they call there lives. ( and believe me its messy- every single one)
so my revelation for today is this: a leopard does not change his spots. we want to believe he will... but he wont, and a woman like me- all i have ever done is show these men i will be there... so what is there to change for????... i finally have a man that desperately wants to change for the fear he lost me for good... and suddenly i dont want the change????suddenly im not ecstatic i finally got a man to do exactly what i want... miss me ??
i wonder if they all acted this way if id want their change, want them missing me, or allow it back in...?..... im starting to believe that my thril of my chase is equally as bad as a man's, and once the thrill is gone......so am i.
no, in true heartbreak fashion the last 6-8 months of my life has been a whirl wind and exactly what i needed when it comes to writing about how "this bitch cant get a break"....
thank you life, for a second there i thought things were going so smoothly that i no longer needed to complain....
so here i am , 29 ( yes i started this at 26...), back - single... and heres how it all went down.. just a little catch you up to speed scenerio:
christmas 2010 should have been a splendid one...the most splendid of christmas's a woman can have... under a tree, should be a purse maybe, maybe something you had been wanting or an outfit, and ...A very small box... A RING. instead... there was a window tint job and that good ol purse. all of these are fine gifts- but a woman of 28 3/4 years old whom is wanting to marry her man of 2 yrs... this is a let down. (esp. whom she already shares a home, a back account and a combined phone bill).. a let down.
i saw it coming... when he bought the ring ( the ring i should have recieved) i knew in my heart there was issues that i may be settling for, but i wanted to get married. all around me people were!why not me? i wanted to plan a wedding... i was eager to start the process.... and in return i was being held off till christmas... well until.... i instead found out he was cheating on me...
yes.. my life partner, the guy i had carefully selected to marry (if he asked) was cheating.. with a crooked grin, amazon of a woman with a kid. oh and i think she is a topless dancer.
need i say more?
so january- i make him move out and my bestfriend moves in. at the time i was devastated- my WHOLE WORLD WAS SHOOK AND the changes i was enduring were unbearable. plus.. i DONT LIKE TO LOSE. i lost -i was cheated on! BUT,i had no idea, how that loss would eventually prove to be FATE. my fate and my savior from marrying the wrong man...
SO JUMP AHEAD A COUPLE OF MONTHS:
i was going to marry the wrong man, and the hurt he caused was luck.
on the flipside, he is now devastated, and i finally see what its like to have someone hurt over you.... all those times i desperately wanted to be "wanted" and have the ex realize he fucked up... and now i have it....it's staring at me every day.. in my text box, or on the phone.. and i gotta be honest- its not so awesome after all.... truth is, no mattter how they hurt you, when your in a marriage worthy scenerio- IT DOES NOT feel good to know your hurting someone.
the fact that i have moved on and realize now that i was settling , hurts me worse, just to know hes so heartbroken ....
for most of us, or atleast me and my roommate being a good hearted person has its down falls. "my weakness is: i care to much". i can honestly say i have been this way my whole life no matter what man (BOY) has decided to come in my life and break my heart... i always try to help them at their weakest moment, even after all i have been thru... i put myself aside, drop my own feelings and cheer them on. ....which is where im at CURRENT. although i am letting this one down, there is another from the past that crept back in, and again i have accepted the flaws, let my own awesome-ness be pushed aside, and swooped in to pick up the peices in the mess that they call there lives. ( and believe me its messy- every single one)
so my revelation for today is this: a leopard does not change his spots. we want to believe he will... but he wont, and a woman like me- all i have ever done is show these men i will be there... so what is there to change for????... i finally have a man that desperately wants to change for the fear he lost me for good... and suddenly i dont want the change????suddenly im not ecstatic i finally got a man to do exactly what i want... miss me ??
i wonder if they all acted this way if id want their change, want them missing me, or allow it back in...?..... im starting to believe that my thril of my chase is equally as bad as a man's, and once the thrill is gone......so am i.
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