could it be?.. Bitch got the big break...

its been ahwile since my last post. i have had so much change- i dont think I have even been able to grasp a piece of normalicy in the last 6 mths.
my entire life changed in what feels like a blink of an eye...

so lets start from the beginning.. my last post I THINK was me exploring the new me, the sense of peace i had recently found from realizing that i am who i am and im so happy with that. I think i even mentioned having a new love interest...

well.. are you sitting down ( ofcourse you are..)
the new love interest turned into something amazing... in the midst oif having fun adn not caring whether it worked or didnt... it worked. I havent come up with a ctachy name yet but those of you who know me personally..know who he is. we began dating, going out way to much and just having a care free goodtime... days turned to nights, months turned to holidays, meeting families and spending more and more of ourselves into the world of the other...
i fwell in love.. ( it really happened..) and whats more important... he fell in love. for the first time i have someone who is my equal. loves me just as much as i do him. i dont spend any time wondering about that...
its refreshing ladies.

soo... with that... i got this random job offer. when i say random..like out of the blue. got a phone call from a friend... "my mom is hiring a marketing coordinator, are you interested"
what??? a marketing coordinator ..??? and away from my hometown???
"no thanks, im not interested"- not to mention HELLO!!!!!!!!!! I WAS IN THE BEGINNING OF LOVE...
hell no im not leaving now- right when i found a guy who's fun and likes me awhoolllllleeeeee lot??

yeah right.
this would be my luck though right???


a few days went by.. i mentioned it to my bestfriend . my parents and him... and oddly he blurts out that he would go too. - if i moved that is,.,

whoooooaaa.... wait a sec????? you would?????
who would do that- i mean seriously... just move for the 4 mth relationship they just got serious about???

sooo... i called the friend back. i sent my resume.I WAS SURE i wouldnt get hired. i was under qualified and quite honestly not seriously thinking i would ever leave my town. i think i sent it to just test the waters of oohh i tried, didnt work out but cant say i didnt try. then i wouldnt have to to feel like had wasted an opportunity for a guy- i tricked myself. more importantly i thought maybe this dudes mom might know someone who knows someone.. who might offer me a less important job .. in my home town. ( all about who you know...)

she called. she phone interviewed me. we chatted like old friends. we laughed. i was apparently vivacious in every way... fun.. and a breath of fresh air for their corporate world..( i found out later...the big boss was listening in)
a day later.. i got a call. "we would like you to come down for a second interview"
i hung up the phone sat in my bedroom on the floor, heart beating fast... i called ashleigh and started to cry. fate was staring me in the face.. and i wasnt sure if i liked it... i called my guy.. and told him. he and i were going to go down for this interview in a few days. Luckily for me , he didnt have a whole lot going on at the time.. not much to really grasp, other than me, so leaving was not a big deal.
deep down, i knew i didnt want to get too excited/sad... and then feel dumb if people found out and i didnt get it... BUT... i knew... IM THAT GIRL.THE KIND THAT NATURALLY DOES WELL IN FRONT OF PEOPLE... i knew, if i went down for this interview i could bet a 80% chance, i would get the job...

FEAR, SETS IN..

SO WE GO DOWN... i interview , it went well, i knew they liked me. i knew they liked my spunky attitude and energy. i knew it. i could feel it.
they told me id know by the end of the week. it was a tuesday. by the time i got home wednesday- i got the call... i ahd gotten the job, i had 2 weeks to pack up, find a place to live and start my new career

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... to be continued.....

happiness comes from within

I think their comes a time in every persons life when they wake up realizing things are exactly how they should to be . Maybe things didnt work out as you planned, or hoped, but maybe they worked out better. I have a reached a point where i am so proud of who i have become.
This took me what feels like an eternity to get here. From broken relationships, put downs, let downs, and things just not working out as "'planned" - I have been confused for so long. Chase made me hate "me" for awhile. I felt crazy, and not worth anything. (A major set back for the girl who once thought nothing could stop her from achieving her goals.) I spent two yrs fighting to get back to where I was before that relationship, loving someone who put me down because i no longer felt worthy of being loved by anyone who truly was better. I Have let people (men) walk all over me, and treat me like a doormat while remaining loyal to their hopes, their desires, and their goals. In all reality I never lost sight of what I KNOW about myself... MY strong personality, the intensity and will to succeed and win at everything, the desire to reach far and above the rest, yet I still managed to push it behind me, settling for lost loves, crappy career choices and no sense of self.
I sit here tonight. And although i have been so happy about my new relationship standings and the direction its going, I no longer will sit back and wait on a man to make me happy. I make me happy. This feeling has seriously empowered me for about an hour. I am me, and i am great with that. I am one of the strongest people i know, and one of the most loyal, and although that has gotten me in trouble in the past, I know that finding a woman like me would be amazing for any guy looking for a good girl.
I refuse to settle for a man who is unsure of who he is. (after all , I think its clear- i have dated that one before) Im moving on with my life with or without my new guy or any guy for that matter, and it's really up to him (or them) to figure out if they are going my direction or their own. For the first time EVER I am so content saying that and taking in the possibility that someone maybe isnt ready to catch me if I fall. Its amazing to look yourself in the eye and know your life is what you make it, and no one interfering with that will ever change your happiness with yourself.

sometimes the dude just doesnt miss you

Why do people always tell you that if you ignore the man and act as if you don't care after a break up - "he will miss you!"?
My therapist told me this 2 weeks ago. In fact he was sure that if i cut off all contact with Chase for real this time, I would not only get results- him missing me- but i would also get the upper hand back and be able to move on knowing in the end I WON..( because lets be serious- that's what this is really all about) He was so sure of this that he even offered to give me my money back if in time this practice of me totally disappearing from Chase's life didn't prove to be successful.
Well Doctor... I am planning on dropping by your office today for a check. I will accept cash or credit though.
Not only does Chase not miss me,... he seems actually glad i have disappeared. Before he missed me at times of drama in our twisted saga, but now that hes had time apart from me and our addiction he seems to be glad. Not missing me one bit. (he even told me this)
truth is this... sometimes... the dude just wont miss you. sometimes, he's so over you that he wants to be with anyone but you and you moving on wont make him jealous, it'll make him relieved.
One result i can't deny is that Cutting off contact with Chase will ultimately make me get over this crazy epic drama. It just wont be because I won, or because he missed me and saw what a good girl he lost. In the long run I will move on. ( i think Dr. Matt tricked me with his first theory inorder to get this result) And although it does sting a little and piss me off that I wasnt the girl that "he lost" or that he'll always look back on with nostalgia and a smile, I am the girl that he lost ...For good. That's a Sigh of relief...... for both parties.

words we confuse with real life

Do we trick ourselves into being hopeful about words that don’t exist


I was driving tonight and thinking about the current happenings of my life and this past year. How things have affected my well being, my everyday dealings, my thoughts, my hopes, my heart…. The people that love you, the people that lose you, the people who crush you, and the people who just don’t give a rats ass about you… So I started thinking to myself about the people who have done me wrong. My friends always say … ‘karma is a bitch”… and stuff about fate and how much better off I will end up in the future. But do words like Karma and Fate really exist? Or are they just words we make ourselves believe in when someone stabs us in the back?
Take fate for example: (something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune) Are their paths we choose in life that alter our fate? Couples who are madly in love often believe that, that “fate” lead them to each other and without Fate nothing would have allowed them to meet and fall in love… Ironically, Couples who break up often believe in fate as well. That fate separated them because they weren’t “meant” for each other. Kinda like the soul mate belief too though. That “he’s my soul mate” crap. Like there is really one person in the whole world for another… let me just tell you- if that’s the case .. I had better start searching high and low now, because I’m 26, and I ain’t getting any younger. Time is precious at this point. (no doubt if that were the case id find the “meant for me” at around about 100 yrs old.. and croak the following day)
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. Or more commonly known as “what goes around comes around’. Sure we have all said it, thought it, even thought twice about doing something less than good to someone else in fear of it (Well most of us… who have a conscience) But isn’t there someone who will just point it out… Karma who? How do we even know there is Karma. ??? Sure your boyfriend left you for someone else… Sure you’d like to think “ohhhhhh that karma!!!... What goes around comes around!!!” In all reality… It may not come around! They may go through life happy as clams! She may even be “the one”. He may never treat her as shitty as he treated you. He may treat her like Gold…But that’s okay. Isn’t there a slight possibility that maybe you just weren’t the gold at the end of HIS rainbow?
I have come to realize this in the last few days: That I may always feel “life is unfair”, and that I got the “shitty end of the stick.” Truth be told, I really did. But believing fate or karma will make me feel better because someone will learn there lesson or maybe even feel bad for doing me wrong is silly. We believe in things like fate and karma because it gives us hope for a better scenario. Here’s the thing: Sometimes people just don’t care about your feelings. Sometimes Karma doesn’t happen. Nothing comes around. Nothing goes around. Fate doesn’t happen either, unless you consider it fate that they found each other ( make me gag). Some people just do what they want to and it doesn’t matter who may hurt or lose in the plan of them winning. That’s okay. Those are the people you leave behind. You look the other way, and keep on believing in the gold that is at the end of your rainbow.

sad or mad

S0o today i started the moment of bitter-ness. That's when you have been sad and inlove with someone for so long , that when they text you, you all the sudden have a feeling of rage. This last week i have been trying to "play it cool" when Chase called, and not be mad about the situation. I have failed miserably every time. Every day we have talked or texted, and knowing that he was unhappy with the new girl situation kinda made me hold on a little. Like I have no clue about the actual situation- that he is lying next to someone all nightlong, and spending his every waking second with her.... But then today, it was like.. don't text me - i care too much. Call her. text her. ( PS: im sure he is doing all of those things already)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)

someone is eventually gonna have to go #2

You know how some people can just breakup with one person and immediately they are a-okay and ready for the next new guy or gal to come their way... aS if it was no big deal that they just got their heart trampled on!?! I know people like this. Its like one day they are breaking up with someone and upset and 24 hours later ( or so it seems) they are over it, and often falling for someone else.
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...

to finally cry

shes here. "Chase's" girl... shes here.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??

Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.

i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.

TRUE Story

TRue StoRY...

Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.

Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.

Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.

About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...

Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.

As always my bestfriend to the rescue.

I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!

My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)

2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.

The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.

who was i kidding...

Who was i kidding? Peace with my soul? puh-leaseee... i must've written that on some sentimental quest for getting over love.
Clearly when i wrote that I was sober. Now i am not.
My outlook today is a little different now. Although im still content with my decisions to see him... i do miss him now more than i did before. That last night together did what it was supposed to, helped me forget about Mr jerkfaces text dumping and give me my "groove back".... But did it help to give me the closure i needed with him like i was spouting off about in the previous blog? ha... instead it gave me the realization of what i loved before... ( uhhh a duhh moment for all of you readers im sure...)
well bite me.
It's 1am.I had a few too many cocktails tonight, and I miss him. I miss him because this is the first day of reality ...REAL real reality . the reality i cant escape. It's the real, raw , in my face, this is really happening... time is ticking , and hes really moving on, reality. It really stares me in the face after a night with him (which i never thought would ever happen again) and drinking.. and quite frankly.. it has an ugly face. ( kinda like mr jerk faces ex girl friend. - but hey thats neither here nor there). The fact that i must really let this man go has come. I cant hate. I cant love. I cant even think about it anymore.

some say your ex... makes the....( the biggie rap- u know what i mean)

One last night with your ex.... hmmmmmm.... tricky subject. Bad bad bad idea. But sometimes its better to recycle then to create a new "thing' . ( its all about the environment here.. doing good for mankind)

So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.

So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.

It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.