No really .... I can't.

the irony here - one year ago I wrote the same post.... well amost. Here I am about to be laid off again from a little work called Field Marketing. 

This time it's going down just as crappy- but wait... crappier. Rumor has it we are getting not even a fraction of the severance I got last go around so that's Shitty... oh and did I mention not having a job is shitty? You never know how much you want one till your faced with not having one! And in true me fashion.... 

Day 1 of the lay off.... I have applied for about 22 jobs. Guess how many I've heard back from... ZERO. 

And id also like to add... when I say the F word out of angER And autocorrect says it's ducking... I never ever ever would say ducking. To be clear. 

Always look on the bright side.

Today, I say farewell to a company that my family has loved my entire life! I am so proud to have worked where my dad built our livelihood.
on the brighter side of today... I look back knowing some people spend their entire life wishing they had a super cool job working with super creative people...something they are passionate about.... I was lucky enough to spend the last 2 1/2 years living that wish.
May our next venture only bring us something cooler:) and to all the friends I have made- truly couldn't be more blessed to have worked with the most talented people I've ever met.

here goes... just call me eminem from 8 mile.

I have a #strong #belief in taking a #chance when you want something bad enough. Put #yourself out there, push as hard as you can; say how you feel, mean what you say, and that #energy ... well,eventually someone is going to believe in the "yourself" that you believed in. What do you really have to lose by showing #passion and how bad you want it? That #one #shot will #pass you by if you don't go out on that limb at all....

Still on the hunt.....

WELL... it has been 2 months since the big lay off, and although our last day isn't physically till next week, I have been aggressively job hunting for the last two months. Literally the night I was laid off.... I was out there applying on job posts!
I almost feel entitled, like... a chick that wants a job this bad, and not sit on her ass and collect unemployment ( like many people have suggested) - I ought to find something fast! And not to mention ( and literally... trust me, I will not embarrass my job like that- not to mention the name) but I am coming from a VERY REPUTABLE spot ... job title, and company. I feel any other similar brand or competitor should want me.....
but instead... no body does really.

I don't get it.

It's kinda like in 9th grade, when I didn't make the cheerleading squad. Like... why the eff not? why wouldn't you pick me ?? I would be perfect for the role of a cheerleader, being that I had cheered the last 7 years of my life and choreographed most of the dance routines on national winning teams in which I belonged.... but no... there I was.. crying over the fact that I couldn't change the opinion of the LIST that was posted on the gym door that day. I just wasn't on it. I spent that year pretty bummed that I didn't make cheerleading, but I did however try out in 10 grade, and make it. I went on to then be the Varsity captain and ... let's just say, most of the girls who made it in 9th grade, (well all but 1) no longer belonged.

Moral of the story... aggressively, keeping on my game, on the hunt, fearless, (reminding myself of that daily) and pushing till someone /some company does want me. I may not be the first pick in May of 2013. but you can bet your bottom dollar by friend, I will be the first round draft pick going into 2014. (And you can quote me on that crap!)

#BOOM!

I'm pretty sure I failed at the 30 things you do before 30 thing

or was it at 30?
Either way, I turned 31 Friday so no turning back Now... maybe I'll revisit that list...,after all a new blog may be in the works, fit with social media and a clothing line. that's right folks- since I'm unemployed at the moment I should capitalize on it!! Cheers to my new venture!


#Forever31

I really am done complaining for today

our wedding video sneak preview is enough to melt your heart:) http://vimeo.com/m/64035131

timing couldn't be worse....

in one month I get married..., I know off since I rarely talk about it! (nothing much to complain about) we bought a house this year, we were planning a wedding, I got a raise..., and then bam - I got laid off... along with about 70 of us.( which makes me feel better I'm not going to lie) timing could not be worse for this lay off!!
devastating I tell you!! and proof- this bitch can't get a break!


couldn't be happier in my career and bam! over! - should I just continue crying till Sunday and start Monday fresh?

What goes up must come down....

I am a month out from getting married ( scary enough) and a beautiful Thursday afternoon has turned into a nightmare. Proof: bitch can't get a break.

As luck would have it... the job I adore, Spend my every waking second Loving, has decided to perform a massive restructure and with that me and most of my department are gone! ( on the flip side we have 2 months until the final day)

I spent all of Thursday crying... All of Friday trying to not cry and applying for jobs .... and here's to hoping Saturday will be that "boom ! wake up it's over" feeling so I can move the Eff on!

wasted talent

by re-reading several of my blogs tonight, I have found myself quite entertaining. Only a few followers but quality stories to tell.... what a shame!!! if your bored, take a moment to read:) See below... THIS ... is true life.....

maybe I should google it....

So, I'm getting married. Did I leave that part out? If so, rumors are true :) bitch got the break... Sorta.
isn't it what they always say - "grass is always greener..." well I'm positive I'm living proof of just the type of deranged individual sayings like that are made for.

In the process of this planning phase of a wedding, a few things are in my head- ofcourse one is excitement for my life to take off, have a family, have a wedding..... but issues 2,3 and 4 are selfish and embarrassing. So, I thought maybe I should google it. Certainly I'm not the only girl in the world who has selfish dreams of grander.... or am I? They surely don't make it look like this in the movies.....
Truth is I'm terrified to be a grown up. ( yes. I'm 30 fucking years old already. no need for commentary) its true. I don't want to leave "29, wild and damn fine" behind. I actually like being alone! I like my crazy antics with my best friend... I like doing what I want when I want. and this means I can no longer do sneaky crazy things and plot sneaky crazy ideas with the BFF with plans that if we actually do these things, we then, have to cover each others ass so we don't get caught! (your thinking wow, this story is getting good, but a lady never tells her secret. or her best friends)
I thought about running away like Thelma and Louise or being a golden girl but I know for a fact the Golden Girls all were married at least once before committing themselves to the over 60, living in miami club...

So that's where I am at. Is this normal.... maybe I SHOUlD google it...?

who wouldn't wanna be me?

looks they are deceiving.
life has a funny way of showing you your mistakes, making you feel vulnerable and then ripping them or your options away anyway.
I'm not really religious. I don't even know what I believe in,.. but if there is a higher being, what I do believe is he/she plays with fire on a daily basis. Emotional game playing must be the sport of choice and he/she is the MVP! I, in most cases, am the loser in "it's" winning game.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

and I'm back to my list of the 30 at 30 thing.... half way through 30 I better jump on this fast...!
so here goes. number 5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

I struggled with this one the last year and a half. Truly struggled. not only did I turn 30, but I got engaged. In so many ways my youth has hindered me and held me back from the content level of where I know my life has already taken me... but isn't that typical? we always want more... that grass is always greener on the other side....

it's not though. I went to the other side. I saw that grass... and trust me the grass I'm living on right now is far greener. my youth was amazing and heartbreaking all at the same. I loved deeply and I lost even deeper. I look back and am thankful for many losses and yet nostalgic about others. ; we never forget our first loves and closest friendships do we?)
the truth is, with age it gets better. you are able to pull out the weeds, keep the yard looking "oh-so nice" - almost effortlessly drama free.

I will always look back on my past I think:
my great love. ( singular - there's only one that has that hold on me)
my great friendships - so very many I no longer have due to growing apart, and not enough effort.
my great experiences - late nights, over partying, loud music, fun people and emotionless love connections that typically ended when the uppers left.

But....I also look back on a youth of pretty crappy heart aches that unfortunately still haunt me.... pretty crappy fake friendships and pretty crappy choices on my part to prolong my youth and not take the next step too actually " living"....


I believe, now, life is just beginning. I have done amazing things, but my dad always told me "the day I was born- his life began... " I look forward to beginning life too. living it - starting now. saying goodbye to the past and letting go of the haunting memories I have carried with me for so long.

I have a wonderful fiancé waiting to begin a life with me by his side - and that.... is truly the contentment I need to leave the rest behind.

the Carrie epidemic

is it just me or do half the women you know think they are a Carrie Bradshaw replica? every time I hear a female say this- I typically want to say " no , hoe. You my friend, are a Samantha".

I guess a lot of girls have some Carrie qualities, but a lot less than They think. ( just cause your single bitch does not mean your a Carrie)

a Carrie is someone who is deep, intellectual, smart, funny, and intuitive. she chases her dreams, she finds success because she puts her career on her high list of priorities, she finds great men who treat her phenomenally well, then she chooses to chase the one who keeps hurting her because she can't settle on the thought that maybe she doesn't need drama in her love life.

I ... am a Carrie.

when is nearly perfect enough?

on a sex and the city marathon kind of day, Carrie asks if we need drama In order to be happy in a relationship.
this makes me ponder as well....
I feel similar. when the drama isnt there its far less interesting. why when things are nearly perfect do we sabotage it by picking fights, or losing interest all together? we end up chasing waterfalls that TLC told us lead no where good.
yet we do it anyway. when is simple and nearly perfect -enough for longevity? is it ever?

my 30 list is stag

Meaning I've lost my will to update it. Help me find it!!!
writers block!?!?
life confusion?
Am I actually happy enough to have nothing to bitch about?!?
Maybe next one I will write about being 29. Now that was some extreme ups and crazy downs! New boobs, old flames, heartache, anxiety and all the things in between I practically created the norm for....

4. a purse, a suitcase and an umbrella

At 30, you should have :

A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.


Well, I'm not rocking a Louis Vuitton or anything but I have a wide array of colorful bags I like enough to take just about anywhere. I've developed a love for Marshalls, Tj Maxx and knock offs from Forever 21 that I can be proud of. - Being thrifty makes me economical right? ( ps. Guilina Rancic was carrying a fantastic bag from
Forever 21 on her show this season... if she does it- in all her hotness- I'm sure as heck going to)

I updated my luggage this year as well - before 30! I can effectively fly out of town for business or pleasure and not merely on the Jessica Simpson luggage line! I have real luggage without a cheesy popstar promotion behind it!
As far as the umbrella does- that's just silly. I don't care now or ever what my umbrella looks like. I own one- that's good! right?

26 more things to go:)

3. something perfect to wear if your employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour

"At 30 you should have something perfect to wear if your employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour."

I think I have this one mastered. Working in an office setting for a few years I have great business attire. (some of it a little outdated but never the less I have a few "got me the job" go-to's when in doubt or needing a little confidence boost.) appearance
CAN make or break you. I'm sorry... but I said it! #truth

if the man of my dreams wants to meet me- aka "the rock", Ryan gosling, shamar Moore or Channing tatum- I'm afraid nothing would be good enough for these guys! However, I do have quite an array worthy for a wingman or entourage. I feel confident if in a bikini setting is where their meeting me for the first time I have the perfect suit.... and let's be honest- first impressions are everything!

3 down. feeling ok to be 30 ......

#2. by 30... you better own a piece of furniture!

By 30- you should have one piece of furniture you own..... so the number 2- being 30 list goes.....

When I moved away 3 years ago... I had not one piece of furniture.  At 27 years old.. everything I owned my parents either gave to me or bought me.

 I worked for a home builder and was able to purchase some nicer model home furniture for super cheap when we would close out a community and the models would be bought. I gathered some great mirrors, wall decor, bathroom decor, and an armoir that has about reached its limit on serving as tv stand.....
I did however buy my first ever full bedroom set- with my boyfriend. a nice one too.. one that qualified us for a large flat screen tv -complimentary ( till he insisted we upgrade...) -THANK YOU, ROOMS TO GO!
 When he and I split a year or so ago... I kept all but on piece of the furniture. - one of the 2 dressers he took ( as part of the "divorce... that, the xbox, and the flat screen tv- figures). Either way, this along with an oversized red couch bed I bought on impulse for my guest room ( mind you, doubles as an office, and is ENTIRELY  too big for the room...) and bar stools, I can say those are my most "me" purchases... all mine!

At 30- I can atleast outfit a bedroom, have a couch for sitting, oooh and a desk for working, and .... sit .."at the bar" (also doubles as the kitchen counter).=)

1, One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to, and one to remind you of how far you've come

(Figures they would give me the tough one as the starter of the 30 blogs....)

I for one have many that remind me of how far I've come. Many meaning - just that almost every relationship I have been in reminds me of this. (trust me... there have not been "many" but you know what im getting at)
I, like many women seem to pick the bad boy and fall madly in love only to get my heart stomped as we have read in ALL my previous blogs. So with that- I do look to the future knowing I do not want to stand for that behavior anymore. I wont. I am tougher than nails and guess what- the lies you're spitting - I've heard it all baby.
I am positive there is NOTHING  I have not heard- and if your looking for someone to run game on... welll... then.. GAME ON. I dont have time for the pain , the suffering or quite honestly the bullshit.
 I have learned my lessons, and learned what I want from a man... from My life partner! (and no where does it say any of the ex boyfriends from 2008 and beyond)

In the same sense, one always has one they can vision "what would it have been like if it had worked out".... this one often can be in the same catagory- showing us where we came from... and how we dont /or shouldnt ever go back... but the wonder is always there. I am convinced, one  may always wonder. Even on our happiest days. We cant deny at one time we had love for someone- very deep love.And at one time- the idea of marrying him may have played a role ... or a fantasy.

Years may pass and I may always wonder- BUT- I am confident, I am the true gem in the past AND PRESENT when it comes to that one... and I am also confident, that no matter how much I may wonder- he too will wonder- and WISH he had not made those mistakes so many years before. When he does grow up- a girl like me will be the diamond in the rough he will be desperate to find.

one down.. 29 to go.

"30 things we should know by 30" & all my thoughts in between...

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30." The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list's original author, who is also a Huffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.




Because I just turned 30 this month- I'm going to take the next year to touch base on every single one of these things.... with full credit given to Glamour magazine for the list- I choose to elaborate on how it feels to be 30 and to "feel " all of these things.... ( the 30 blogs are for my future self.... and my roommate...with notation that ya know what- your 26 darling, and one day, its ALL GOING TO BE OKAY)


By 30, you should have ...



1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.



2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.



3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.



4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.



5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.



6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.



7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.



8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.



9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.



10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.



11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.



12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.



13. The belief that you deserve it.



14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.



15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.





By 30, you should know ...



1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.



2. How you feel about having kids.



3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.



4. When to try harder and when to walk away.



5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.



6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.



7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.



8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.



9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.



10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.



11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.



12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.



13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.



14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.



15. Why they say life begins at 30





on that note- stay tuned.....

vodka did it.

I'm innocent.
and anything I said a few weeks ago - I likely meant however without vodka starting our conversation- those things would have never been said! I mean sure I have felt rage and love and all those other things but at 3am I clearly was not thinking "clearly". vodka took the reigns. it hopped on our horse and rode us into a place of no return....

then ... vodka did it again! that bitch. why she makes me look so stupid I have no idea. she really is only out for herself! so ... for the record. I didn't text you. vodka - that whore- she did it.

just one word.

vomit.
similar to how I feel when I see posts on Facebook from people I'm growing to have a love hate relationship with.

message to an ex....

your friends always do the talking when they see your ex. i know because i do this for my friends.
i have decided a better method is to just tell them off - do not try to make them see they lost the best thing to EVER happen to them- obviously you think that ... you adore your friend. so just be strait up. a letter will do. if your real ballsy hand deliver it:)

dear ex:
your an idiot. your a user. love abuser and unfortunately my best friends true love. fuck off.
-her best friend.

isn't it ironic... dontcha think.

that song was written about my life-#convinced.

some of God's greatest gifts.....

“Sometimes I thank god…. For unanswered prayers…. Remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs. And just because he may not answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care… some of gods greatest gifts- are unanswered prayers….”- Garth Brooks

I began thinking of this tonight, when an old flames mother called to alert me of the recent happenings in her son’s life. – It was true… he was just as lost as he was 10 years prior. All the world had changed, half of “us” had grown up… ME. I shouldn’t be surprised. After all the psychic did tell my best friend, that he had altered fate by not being able to grow up- yet still it baffles me that anyone can be so delusional. We like to call it the “peter pan syndrome”.

(We as in, me and my best friend.)

It is unfortunate I know several “peter’s”- her and I dated two of the most notorious peter pans I’ve ever met- and rightfully so- at 32 and 33, they are roommates living this college dorm life. Now let’s give a little credit to one.. her ex at least has his shit together financially… but completely whack when it comes to relations- he prefers “relation-shits” far more than he does a genuine relationship and from what I have heard- his family is desperate for him to settle down and act his age- but he refuses to get “wifed up”. His pattern is the same.. Year after year… boy meets girl, boy falls in love.. Girl falls in love.. Girl wants more, growth, marriage… girl gets dumped. I’d say it was sad, but then I realize EVERY single girl went through the same thing, the only thing it is sad for is him….. the girls should all join together and have a BIG PARTY to celebrate their winnings!!- they didn’t get stuck with a non-committal, relationship whore, cheater ! ( this deserves at least a high five). On the flip side, and for the record- I like this guy- he’s fun and nice and all that jazz… but the peter pan syndrome is specific to nice guys I feel like… in fact they are so nice and charismatic- it would be hard to not like them at all.. I actually shuttered and almost deleted this paragraph I like her ex so much, - the fact that he may hate me for calling him a douche bag –who now has to seek botox in order to date the 22 year olds he will now have to date bc the older bitches think he’s a douche bag – well… that’s just reason enough to consider not typing any more tonight…

However- one must not filter when in the mood to express =) so.. more I go….

Anyway… the peter pan syndrome…. Ahhhh… yes…. so my ex – whom at one time (several times) I thought I may never get over – has yet again proved to be just as childish as ever- with his delusional dreams of grander and crazy plans that he never follows through on- I simply cannot fathom what in the hell is wrong with this guy- there is no concept of reality. Let me put it this way – if you have been in need of a new car for a long time, and unable to afford it- and then you think your first time back on the road is with a BMW- you might be a PETER…(and delusional.) If you tell the world you have changed, or that you really care about someone, yet you screw them over, or allow them to hurt over you- you might be PETER… if your 33 and unable to hold a steady relationship of any kind that actually means something with anyone of any sort of real life experience… you might be a PETER.

The peter pans of the world, are guys who are over 30- and refuse to act their age. In their mind they fist pump with jersey shores finest, worried about t-shirt time far more than saving money to buy a home or having anything to show for themselves. High Class Possessions, like a car, are far more important than finding love and a partner, starting a family, or growing their career. They judge happiness off the finer things, and in the end, neither of these guys know who they are – they both are lost. (one way more than the other..way more!!!)

I believe true happiness is when you stop caring what others think, you love you for the true person you are inside, and you are content with knowing that what God gave you – is enough. When you love that you- you find someone who loves that you too… and you’re not looking for the next best thing



I know both these guys have had opportunities several times- they have both found girls who saw through the vain exterior… and found the real them.. and ya know what… LOVED ANYWAY, that’s a true statement because I was one of them. I can remember being on the other side though which I have written about and shared before… not understanding the game of love and all its twists and turns. The why’s and why not’s, the “you will regret this” and that… and most importantly the trials of heartbreak and realizing, you know.,… maybe they just won’t grow up….. for any woman, this is a tough one, bc we can all admit we believe we can be the one to change this. We cant….WE couldn’t… and at this point after stories from his mother, I’m not sure anyone can. He has joked he is the real life George Clooney of his time… and ya know what.. I FINALLY BELIEVE THAT.

I look back at all the prayers I have had in the last ( too many ) few years,,, and I can honestly say , my unanswered prayers were my biggest gift. I grew up, I made a life for myself, and I’m happier than I ever thought I could be. I never thought I would be so thankful for an unanswered prayer, but to sit here tonight and know this person who I thought at one time, hung the moon, may never even step foot on the roof of a building…. Well…let’s be honest- Hanging the moon, is just a long shot… and I’m not one for fairytales.

soul mates

I opened up my email this morning and there was my daily dose of a friends blog I subscribe to.- now a lot of times I ignore it till I have time to sit down and read but for some reason based off our last chat I was dying to know what had happened in her life since... and knowing her- I knew it would be there in black and white.
but this time she instead reflected on the conversation we had a few days earlier... it's possible it is not the conversation we had but whom ever else it could be must have had the same talk.... anyway when reflecting on relationships, and fate, and soul mates I realize we all want the same thing. that earth shattering love- that undeniable, I can't breathe... love and very few live a life with it consistently.

my best friend saw a psychic a few weeks ago who told her my soul mate was - of course- the one person I had hoped it would not be. I have already met him... and he had altered fate by being too childish and unready to grow up. well this just confirmed what I knew along. does it make me feel good or justified that someone else agrees? no....! instead I feel a sense of "what ifs" "why nots" and "how come".

my friends blog refers to it like a "lottery ticket."when u stumble upon your soul mate...this lottery ticket is like, she says " once in a lifetime". so if your once and a lifetime has passed- then what!? ... the psychic told the best friend that most people don't spend their life with their soul mate bc of chance and fate alterations... but once you have felt that feeling, that feeling never goes away despite how life alters your own path.

my advice to those who may have felt or do feel that way...and by chance this chapter may close. if you feel that person simply takes your breath away, and your positive of this connection - you may have found your soul mate. life may change both your paths but the odds are high that if you say how you feel when you feel it, that moment will never pass you by.

yep. that bitch was crazy.

just an update. we're dealing with a real clinger here... I'm talking fake Facebook profiles stalking me and my friends. - this is the ONE time I actually believe.

so maybe the bitch is crazy

maybe she is THis time...
guys always say that though: " she's crazy! she's obsessed with me! she's mad I don't want her" " shes psycho' she's stalking me"...
well..,,was she stalking u the night u invited her in for a casual romp in ur man made platform bed?
...just wondering.
never the less ... a girl that keeps contacting me and now having her friends request me on Facebook only to blow my page up ( and inbox) w the same stuff I've already been told- just might really be crazy. clearly head over heels for the guy I have left waiting in the wings for me for a year. it's crazy bc these girls keep contacting me SURE that I am sleeping w my ex and having no respect for myself- they are dying to know why I don't care about the claims they have made...., well news flash crazies- I'm lot sleeping w him!!!!!!! I don't have to! he has wanted me back since last year... I merely have to breathe and I'm good in his book. I accept gifts and all his hardwork around my house but I am by no means a booty call for a guy who clearly must earn me back..,, um isn't that what this crazy girl is for???

a 29 year old man - sex obsessed - had to sleep w someone so I expect him to unless we are together. we are not together at this point, and he's getting no nookie from me so naturally he needs to fulfill that need elsewhere. I don't see this as an issue- the only issue I'm having is I do not deserve the drama - I have never given him anything of the sort. I'd gladly ask though that If this cat plans to pine for me continuously could he please not sleep w/ psycho paths bc this is getting real old... how about we ring in the new year w a nice girl? or better yet take a good look in the mirror buddy- sex w these crazies has gotten u no where... maybe u should consider a few months of celibacy and keep ur pants on. something tells me it would be a lot less stress - for all panty wearers involved.

I got had.

Apparently I'm not as smart as I thought I was... Nancy drew had officially been had!

My ex whom has begged me back religiously the last 12 months has finally made way and gotten me to open up and reconsider what we had and our life together... The last month has been good.. Reminiscing, playing a crooked version of house ( where's he doesn't live here) and I even took him out for his birthday.

I often say that out of all the guys I've ever dated he REALLY loves me and maybe I should give this a second chance. You might even hear me say" he got cold feet when he was supposed to propose but he's not a bad guy" ... Truth be told, that's what I believed. I mean after all he does WHATEVER I ask- takes me dog out when I travel for work, builds a shelf for me on a Sunday all bc I randomly decided I need one... Even helped my dad redo my closets last night while he was in town... Enough to earn him a free dinner at outback too ! ( that's when it gets messy.. Don't involve the parents)

So after dinner and DAteline w my dad, a bliss filled Friday night in my opinion, the inbox on Facebook blows up and there it is - yet another heartbroken, semi psycho girl pleading her case about how she and the lier are dating- how she just stayed at his house last night, and then documents his outfit. She goes to great lengths to prove her point making sure she gives me every detail she possibly can just invade I doubt her... Which in my professional people judging opinion is kinda pathetic but whatever. I get it- she's hurt. She wants to make sure I'm hurt. And more importantly he's hurt and without us both. ( women do this! They pull out all the stops to make sure neither of you go back to the cheater)

Well.. I've been had. I can admit it. Again the lier has left me shocked. So in love with me, so needing of me, and still so sure I'm His "one" yet so capable of leading a separate life... I think I shock myself that I am so oblivious to this. No matter how you slice the pie though, the pie has been sliced and no good detective can take back good info they've learned and pretend they didn't hear it! The liers little cat is out of the bag and crawling around... And now it's up to me and my detective like skills to throw in the towel, and when it comes to this clown- retire from detective work.

Under the knife

3am... Wide awake!
I got my boobs done again today.. Now 11 years ago this thing had me asleep and in pain 2 days- this round, im strait chillen and awake at 3am!

Come on sleeping pill kick in!

So my first thought when i came to was...." they are not that big"
Actually though my size should have gone up slightly they are not any bigger at all- bummer number 1. The second bummer is the fact that ive been hungry and eating- i had such high hopes of starvation and sleep for two days!!!

They give u a pain pump now- this thing is nothing short of a miracle worker cause to be honest ive had little pain at all!

So how long am i going to skip the gym... Ummmm . Im plotting going sunday and atleast sitting on the bike.. I know i should wait but fat is not a cute look for me!

I just hope for a speedy recovery. Their are gym class goers missing me and i miss them! Ready to teach, burn calories and yes... Show off these badboys!..( that really look no different)

So just subscribe.

Probably my best blog of 2011 is leopards dont change their spots... If your ever bored though read my older stuff, - eventually someone is going to have to go number 2 is also one i like.

I have another page called " wtf just happened" dedicated to a short time and a very strange relationship- those are laugh worthy!

Enjoy!

Ps ignore the recent worsened negative tude. Im 29. A lil heartbroke and nervous over my lack of control. Ive got my health ... My botox.. My body is rockin rt now.. And at 29 im hotter than i was at 25. Hello thursday. Im awesome again!

on second thought....

desperately seeking.... anything.

im feeling a little sorry for myself this week, and a little lonely- obviously this is why i suddenly am writing again....and with no facebook im clearly bored.... so forgive me in advance for the negative vibes. i certainly dont mean to be. things just dont make sense. the older and wiser i become the more rediculous i feel about emotions and where i am in my life.
i find that i do wake up and wonder everyday when is my turn.
when will i find my purpose?

i often feel i am searching daily. for something. anything. nothing means anything - and i feel empty more often than not - living day to day trying to build a life on nothing-ness. I have all the makings of "great" and there is missing pieces.
i am happiest when i am teaching. when i am motivating people in my spin classes or my body pump classes... when after i teach kickboxing people come up to me and are in "awwwwwe" of how many calories they just burned. i fascinate myself. its REALLY the only thing i do well and am proud of. everything else is secondary. and although i know i am a good leader.. its more so because i have been told that. The teaching stuff on the other hand i kinda fell into and just came so natural to me that i found out by doing it how good i actually was. and without sounding cocky- it is truly the ONLY thing i am confident about.

if you met me you might think i was confident about everything. I DO FRONT that way. its quite a front i put on. i could win an oscar for the act i portray!!! confident, cocky, funny, and very succesful - quite frankly a young girl on her way. if you knew the real me though you'd know.. theres  a little girl in here -that doesnt think she will ever be pretty enough, thin enough or good enough . she will never win. although she strives to win. AT EVERYTHING.  and when she doesnt win, it breaks her down further. the negetive comes from the constant trying to win, and not winning.

but even at the teaching... i naturally have good rhythm, the beat of the music, the 8 counts, the fitness moves all come NATURAL to me... i make up no routine, i teach off the cuff.. much as i like to do in my every day life. i am better off the cuff in all aspects. i speak better that way, i plan better that way, and i write better that way. i find when i over prepare for things -sorta like if i were to over prepare and make up routines for my classes- i would over think it, and likely stress myself out worse- and its clear i already put the pressure on in all instances- so that could be tragic! i sometimes think maybe my purpose is fitness and teaching... but not all aspects of that industry i like - i just like the physical being in front of the class and actually teaching for that 60 minutes - the rest of that crap - the certifications and online videos and stuff- ugh... no thank you.

i dont know what i am looking for... or who.
i hope i find it though - otherwise it is going to be a very long, life of bloggs and self help books for reading - and lots of fitness classes..i will be skinnny though=) that you can bet.

Holiday savings.

Full on admittance... The absolute number one thing that makes being single in the holiday season awesome is... Saving money!!!!!! I look back on years past and im totally 200-500 dollars richer this year!

There is also nothing worse than heartbreak. So maybe that is your price. Your holiday fee. Rather than gifts- you save the cash and spend on your heart. That cost is often far more expensive bc we all know we would spend any amount of money, walk to the ends of the earth to not feel heartbreak-there is nothing so painful and so miserable than wanting the gift of love, having it, losing it, and not knowing why.

So since i am saving in dollars and cents this year im going to start by making a resolution to save up for good sense in 2012. May 2012 bring me a prosperous holiday season... Filled with lots of gifts!

missing facebook...

so i deactivated my facebook account last week on impulse... and now its killing me. that's how you know your addicted to something. when you literally are begging it back. ( much like most of my addictions) i was having one of those days. well i have been having a weird month or 2 actually. i dyed my hair from blonde again back to dark- again on impulse... so impulsive, that if my hair girl didn't get me in... i was going to box color it.. and we all know how traumatic that can be for ones strands.... the nerve of me! and then i  turned to facebook... when in doubt.. and no control over your current scenario... face book is always a good start,..... and it makes you look ....'oh-so-mature".... so ... in the most maturest of fashions, i  started by deleting those whom i felt may be a) toxic to my life or b) pointless in my life. well when that didn't solve my feelings of whatever it was i feeling.. i took a leap of faith on my own personal little voice box inside my head...and  it says to me daily :
" your amazing. (well this is how it starts)... you sit on facebook to much. you are sort of obsessed with sharing your thoughts, and guess what... no one gives a fuck! no one cares your miserable today. so cut it... and BY THE WAY self!!!!!!- looking at things you likely shouldn't see on facebook anyway is damaging to your heart and your arguably crazy head. you my friend are your worst enemy.. and ps... on a side note... your a little wild on this personal facebook. take it off for awhile . your job will thank you".

now i never planned to keep it off forever. merely a few weeks. take some time to focus on work... and maybe even "me" a little. bettering myself. plus it couldnt hurt to try something new and really... its only facebook! but i have to be honest.....IM BORED. and ... every picture i have ever uploaded and tagged a friend in - is gone! we all found that out the hardway - when my  roommate realized we no longer have any pics!!!! I'm the one who loads all the albums and basically EVERY thing we have done the last year is gone!

i know what your thinking- who cares... and rightfully so... but .... i have found that SEVERAL texts have come in asking me to be back on facebook.. and despite my thinking that "no one cares" some people find my miserable humor, comical, and enlightening day to day and they are now a little bored without my "shenanigans. (so i am told) which brings me to my blog. i no longer care that someone i know may read this and find out what im really thinking. i no longer will filter what i feel - bc people don't want to hear it. again as i said in the last one.. as it is 'my facebook" its my blog . i say what i want. no judging. just reading.
\
i find this - writing in general to be an outlet for me. i hate talking on the phone. ask my friends - i hate it. i would text or email all day... this is why i like facebook.. i can express thru humor or rage in a status exactly how my entire day is- in 2 sentences.. and people i haven't talked to in 2 years have just been updated on my life. its genius if you ask me. im beginning to see that what i miss about facebook- and i have only been deactivated for  1 WEEK... (lol).... IS THE EXPRESSION. the chance to write.. to make people laugh daily. whether i am sad, heartbroken, happy, or utterly angry to the point of no return, i find when i write it, i feel better about it, and my friends can relate... (sometimes.. i mean, not everyone can relate.. my antics are top notch)... so blog away i say... as long as i can think of something to bitch about or blab about I'm on my way... enjoy!

nope.... nothing new. still confused.

Love is a funny thing. One day you’re in it – one day you’re not in it. One day you’re in it… one day the object of your affections is not in it and leaves you, left in it… chasing to get them back in it.. it’s like a tug of war. It’s a wonder when you hear of couples who have been married for 50 years- that they ever made it.


in this day and age- the falling in and out of love, the hearts that break, around me,,, how does anyone make it more than 6 MThs? Much less two years.. or 10?

I thought –as we have seen in the last year- that I would be getting married. And now that I have had a taste of the single life I am not sure I want that either – contrary to popular belief- when I say that – a taste of the single life”… its not what you think…I am NOT out there dating and sowing some sort of wild oat at 29 I missed at 21. Trust me. I sowed them over the years! If anything I am less into dating now than I ever was. I actually repel dating. ( boy! I sound awesome don’t i… ??? Totally, the kind of “gal” ya just can’t wait to meet at the bar!) But it’s all truth. Truth be told. Dating is annoying. I have absolutely no desire to do it. I find Dateline to be more enticing on a Friday night than a date, if that tells you anything. I am simply OVER THE fall in love , get your heart broken time and time again crap that happens every time and done taking chances on it. I took a chance this last few times … well really I took a chance my entire life, and I don’t feel it benefited me in the end, at all. I was left the one hurting- and in the end, I now am left finally sticking up and saying FUCK THAT. its not fair.



Lifes not fair –true- .again

I really don’t know any more what I want. I have a fear of being single forever… I want children. So this is scary. And sure… the celebrities are adopting left and right.. but I do love the idea of a family. Its cliché to say normal… but I’m saying it anyway- this is MY BLOG. I SAY WHAT I WANT. I want a normal family. Its SLIGHTLY an issue though when you refuse to date .. to meet someone … how the hell am I ever going to meet someone , ever going to marry and have the white picket fence, or beaver cleaver lifestyle I so desperately want ? How will I ever be a desperate housewife on wisteria lane with this hateful I hate dating attitude if I’m not willing to alter my thoughts about dating in general???? I’m stumped too.. trust me I think about this pretty much very day. I should likely stop obsessing about what I obsess about for starters…..

leopards dont change their spots.

so, in the reality i call my life, i got reminded yesterday why i started writing these blogs in the first place.... in " my real world" my dating life is so screwed up its entirely too entertaining to not share with the rest of the hopeless romantics - or if your like me- skeptics of the world...
no, in true heartbreak fashion the last 6-8 months of my life has been a whirl wind and exactly what i needed when it comes to writing about how "this bitch cant get a break"....
thank you life, for a second there i thought things were going so smoothly that i no longer needed to complain....

so here i am , 29 ( yes i started this at 26...), back - single... and heres how it all went down.. just a little catch you up to speed scenerio:

christmas 2010 should have been a splendid one...the most splendid of christmas's a woman can have... under a tree, should be a purse maybe, maybe something you had been wanting or an outfit, and ...A very small box... A RING. instead... there was a window tint job and that good ol purse. all of these are fine gifts- but a woman of 28 3/4 years old whom is wanting to marry her man of 2 yrs... this is a let down. (esp. whom she already shares a home, a back account and a combined phone bill).. a let down.
i saw it coming... when he bought the ring ( the ring i should have recieved) i knew in my heart there was issues that i may be settling for, but i wanted to get married. all around me people were!why not me? i wanted to plan a wedding... i was eager to start the process.... and in return i was being held off till christmas... well until.... i instead found out he was cheating on me...
yes.. my life partner, the guy i had carefully selected to marry (if he asked) was cheating.. with a crooked grin, amazon of a woman with a kid. oh and i think she is a topless dancer.
need i say more?

so january- i make him move out and my bestfriend moves in. at the time i was devastated- my WHOLE WORLD WAS SHOOK AND the changes i was enduring were unbearable. plus.. i DONT LIKE TO LOSE. i lost -i was cheated on! BUT,i had no idea, how that loss would eventually prove to be FATE. my fate and my savior from marrying the wrong man...

SO JUMP AHEAD A COUPLE OF MONTHS:
i was going to marry the wrong man, and the hurt he caused was luck.
on the flipside, he is now devastated, and i finally see what its like to have someone hurt over you.... all those times i desperately wanted to be "wanted" and have the ex realize he fucked up... and now i have it....it's staring at me every day.. in my text box, or on the phone.. and i gotta be honest- its not so awesome after all.... truth is, no mattter how they hurt you, when your in a marriage worthy scenerio- IT DOES NOT feel good to know your hurting someone.
the fact that i have moved on and realize now that i was settling , hurts me worse, just to know hes so heartbroken ....

for most of us, or atleast me and my roommate being a good hearted person has its down falls. "my weakness is: i care to much". i can honestly say i have been this way my whole life no matter what man (BOY) has decided to come in my life and break my heart... i always try to help them at their weakest moment, even after all i have been thru... i put myself aside, drop my own feelings and cheer them on. ....which is where im at CURRENT. although i am letting this one down, there is another from the past that crept back in, and again i have accepted the flaws, let my own awesome-ness be pushed aside, and swooped in to pick up the peices in the mess that they call there lives. ( and believe me its messy- every single one)

so my revelation for today is this: a leopard does not change his spots. we want to believe he will... but he wont, and a woman like me- all i have ever done is show these men i will be there... so what is there to change for????... i finally have a man that desperately wants to change for the fear he lost me for good... and suddenly i dont want the change????suddenly im not ecstatic i finally got a man to do exactly what i want... miss me ??
i wonder if they all acted this way if id want their change, want them missing me, or allow it back in...?..... im starting to believe that my thril of my chase is equally as bad as a man's, and once the thrill is gone......so am i.

Maybe it's me....

I can not believe I have allowed myself to fall so behind on the update of my world... to be honest i am not sure i can even catch you up on the last yr without just skimming and skipping stuff..
so in a nut shell...
I have been here in South Florida Over a year now. The boyfriend is living with me ( yes! the same guy from the last posts- mr great!)I am still with the same company that got me here, I am working my tail off and lacking a social life in the mix of all this.
There- your up to date!

Okay lets fast forward to the present.
A) this has been quite the experience. - moving my whole life, moving in with a guy i hadnt been dating but 5 mths, and starting a career
B) I miss my family more than I ever thought i was capable of. I miss Ashleigh. I miss Amanda. I miss my girl friends
C) i pretty much have NO drama anymore and to be frank a life without any drama is refreshing and rather boring at the same time. i tend to find myself picking fights with Josh to just know that Im ALIVE!
D) I am questioning every scenerio of my world...
Did I make the right decision moving here and leaving behind my whole life and everything in it????- SURE I DID! I didnt have a life before. I had a PArty. I had a Soap Opera , i had heart ache and i had a delusional look at what i thought was life. NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE THE KIND OF DRAMA ME AND MY FRIENDS HAVE!!!!!! AND I REPEAT ( TO MY FRIENDS READING..) NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DEAL WITH THE TYPES OF PEOPLE WE SUBJECT OURSELVES TO!.... i can remeber one time when i was around 20 or 21.. my best friend Erin from Highschool had gone off to FSU. I stayed in Jax. She was really having the time of her life while i was merely dating a guy who i thought hung the moon but really , well lets say he couldnt really "hang" anything.
I can remeber after a night of crying and drama out with her when she came home to visit, and my boyfriend had surely picked a fight with me (more than likely so he could get rid of me to go cheat on me ).... and she loooked at me and told me that very phrase- "this is not normal! Normal people arent like this. Normal relationships arent like this, and Normal friends dont treat each other this way"
I had left highschool only to join the biggest clique in any Highschool around. MINE.
So am i happy i left? YES! Do I miss my DRAMA friends?-YES. am i stillllllll happy i am not a major part of their lives- YES..and more importantly THEY ARE NOT A MAJOR PART of mine. merely a chapter in my book.
Second question: IS HE THE ONE?
This one is plagueing me lately. How is it supposed to feel????
If any of my married friends or readers out there want to elaborate -feel free. I dont know how im supposed to feel so i dont know if i feel right.Soemtimes he annoys the living crap out me...other times i adore him.. again though he annoys the living crap out of me ...Is THAT normal??
We really jumped HEAD FIRST into this whole thing...and i can tell you there have been times i have been like.... "wtf"..but then most the time i am sooo happy to have had him with me through this that i could never imagine moving and so much change alone. NEVER,. thats one thing im sure of! HAd it not been for him coming- i think i may have turned the job down ( i must really love dramatic torture of the life i had) This move made us GROW UP>-----> However i have grown up much much quicker. I no longer like the same things that brought us together. the going out, the fun, the drinks... don't really excite me .... a night watching tv or redecorating my bedroom is a far better choice for actual enjoyment to me these days... Not to mention, i Will be 28 in less than 30 days,... i am not engaged...i am not married... i have no kids.
I WANT THIS. I WANT THE PICKET FENCE. I WANT 2.5 KIDS, AND I WANT TO LIVE NEAR MY PARENTS IN THREE YRS WITH ALL THESE THINGS...
I just don't see him ready to think about major future stuff... I literally don't think he is ready to be a man yet. However he wants to be with me in his "manhood" he just isn't ready to think about a future and what could should would happen in the next 5 yrs... ( the five yr plan)
The problem is i have so much anxiety over this plan and speeding it up- it makes our differences even more apparent!
which causes tension in my mind.
So that brings me to - MAYBE IT'S ME...
MAYBE IT'S ME THATS NEVER SATISFIED.
maybe i am the problem. here i have a great career- which i also want more right now-
a good guy who is learning ( slowly but surely ) how to be a man , a provider, a possible husband match.... and yet its still not a fairy tale...
how can this be?

could it be?.. Bitch got the big break...

its been ahwile since my last post. i have had so much change- i dont think I have even been able to grasp a piece of normalicy in the last 6 mths.
my entire life changed in what feels like a blink of an eye...

so lets start from the beginning.. my last post I THINK was me exploring the new me, the sense of peace i had recently found from realizing that i am who i am and im so happy with that. I think i even mentioned having a new love interest...

well.. are you sitting down ( ofcourse you are..)
the new love interest turned into something amazing... in the midst oif having fun adn not caring whether it worked or didnt... it worked. I havent come up with a ctachy name yet but those of you who know me personally..know who he is. we began dating, going out way to much and just having a care free goodtime... days turned to nights, months turned to holidays, meeting families and spending more and more of ourselves into the world of the other...
i fwell in love.. ( it really happened..) and whats more important... he fell in love. for the first time i have someone who is my equal. loves me just as much as i do him. i dont spend any time wondering about that...
its refreshing ladies.

soo... with that... i got this random job offer. when i say random..like out of the blue. got a phone call from a friend... "my mom is hiring a marketing coordinator, are you interested"
what??? a marketing coordinator ..??? and away from my hometown???
"no thanks, im not interested"- not to mention HELLO!!!!!!!!!! I WAS IN THE BEGINNING OF LOVE...
hell no im not leaving now- right when i found a guy who's fun and likes me awhoolllllleeeeee lot??

yeah right.
this would be my luck though right???


a few days went by.. i mentioned it to my bestfriend . my parents and him... and oddly he blurts out that he would go too. - if i moved that is,.,

whoooooaaa.... wait a sec????? you would?????
who would do that- i mean seriously... just move for the 4 mth relationship they just got serious about???

sooo... i called the friend back. i sent my resume.I WAS SURE i wouldnt get hired. i was under qualified and quite honestly not seriously thinking i would ever leave my town. i think i sent it to just test the waters of oohh i tried, didnt work out but cant say i didnt try. then i wouldnt have to to feel like had wasted an opportunity for a guy- i tricked myself. more importantly i thought maybe this dudes mom might know someone who knows someone.. who might offer me a less important job .. in my home town. ( all about who you know...)

she called. she phone interviewed me. we chatted like old friends. we laughed. i was apparently vivacious in every way... fun.. and a breath of fresh air for their corporate world..( i found out later...the big boss was listening in)
a day later.. i got a call. "we would like you to come down for a second interview"
i hung up the phone sat in my bedroom on the floor, heart beating fast... i called ashleigh and started to cry. fate was staring me in the face.. and i wasnt sure if i liked it... i called my guy.. and told him. he and i were going to go down for this interview in a few days. Luckily for me , he didnt have a whole lot going on at the time.. not much to really grasp, other than me, so leaving was not a big deal.
deep down, i knew i didnt want to get too excited/sad... and then feel dumb if people found out and i didnt get it... BUT... i knew... IM THAT GIRL.THE KIND THAT NATURALLY DOES WELL IN FRONT OF PEOPLE... i knew, if i went down for this interview i could bet a 80% chance, i would get the job...

FEAR, SETS IN..

SO WE GO DOWN... i interview , it went well, i knew they liked me. i knew they liked my spunky attitude and energy. i knew it. i could feel it.
they told me id know by the end of the week. it was a tuesday. by the time i got home wednesday- i got the call... i had gotten the job, i had 2 weeks to pack up, find a place to live and start my new career

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... to be continued.....

happiness comes from within

I think their comes a time in every persons life when they wake up realizing things are exactly how they should to be . Maybe things didnt work out as you planned, or hoped, but maybe they worked out better. I have a reached a point where i am so proud of who i have become.
This took me what feels like an eternity to get here. From broken relationships, put downs, let downs, and things just not working out as "'planned" - I have been confused for so long. Chase made me hate "me" for awhile. I felt crazy, and not worth anything. (A major set back for the girl who once thought nothing could stop her from achieving her goals.) I spent two yrs fighting to get back to where I was before that relationship, loving someone who put me down because i no longer felt worthy of being loved by anyone who truly was better. I Have let people (men) walk all over me, and treat me like a doormat while remaining loyal to their hopes, their desires, and their goals. In all reality I never lost sight of what I KNOW about myself... MY strong personality, the intensity and will to succeed and win at everything, the desire to reach far and above the rest, yet I still managed to push it behind me, settling for lost loves, crappy career choices and no sense of self.
I sit here tonight. And although i have been so happy about my new relationship standings and the direction its going, I no longer will sit back and wait on a man to make me happy. I make me happy. This feeling has seriously empowered me for about an hour. I am me, and i am great with that. I am one of the strongest people i know, and one of the most loyal, and although that has gotten me in trouble in the past, I know that finding a woman like me would be amazing for any guy looking for a good girl.
I refuse to settle for a man who is unsure of who he is. (after all , I think its clear- i have dated that one before) Im moving on with my life with or without my new guy or any guy for that matter, and it's really up to him (or them) to figure out if they are going my direction or their own. For the first time EVER I am so content saying that and taking in the possibility that someone maybe isnt ready to catch me if I fall. Its amazing to look yourself in the eye and know your life is what you make it, and no one interfering with that will ever change your happiness with yourself.

sometimes the dude just doesnt miss you

Why do people always tell you that if you ignore the man and act as if you don't care after a break up - "he will miss you!"?
My therapist told me this 2 weeks ago. In fact he was sure that if i cut off all contact with Chase for real this time, I would not only get results- him missing me- but i would also get the upper hand back and be able to move on knowing in the end I WON..( because lets be serious- that's what this is really all about) He was so sure of this that he even offered to give me my money back if in time this practice of me totally disappearing from Chase's life didn't prove to be successful.
Well Doctor... I am planning on dropping by your office today for a check. I will accept cash or credit though.
Not only does Chase not miss me,... he seems actually glad i have disappeared. Before he missed me at times of drama in our twisted saga, but now that hes had time apart from me and our addiction he seems to be glad. Not missing me one bit. (he even told me this)
truth is this... sometimes... the dude just wont miss you. sometimes, he's so over you that he wants to be with anyone but you and you moving on wont make him jealous, it'll make him relieved.
One result i can't deny is that Cutting off contact with Chase will ultimately make me get over this crazy epic drama. It just wont be because I won, or because he missed me and saw what a good girl he lost. In the long run I will move on. ( i think Dr. Matt tricked me with his first theory inorder to get this result) And although it does sting a little and piss me off that I wasnt the girl that "he lost" or that he'll always look back on with nostalgia and a smile, I am the girl that he lost ...For good. That's a Sigh of relief...... for both parties.

words we confuse with real life

Do we trick ourselves into being hopeful about words that don’t exist


I was driving tonight and thinking about the current happenings of my life and this past year. How things have affected my well being, my everyday dealings, my thoughts, my hopes, my heart…. The people that love you, the people that lose you, the people who crush you, and the people who just don’t give a rats ass about you… So I started thinking to myself about the people who have done me wrong. My friends always say … ‘karma is a bitch”… and stuff about fate and how much better off I will end up in the future. But do words like Karma and Fate really exist? Or are they just words we make ourselves believe in when someone stabs us in the back?
Take fate for example: (something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune) Are their paths we choose in life that alter our fate? Couples who are madly in love often believe that, that “fate” lead them to each other and without Fate nothing would have allowed them to meet and fall in love… Ironically, Couples who break up often believe in fate as well. That fate separated them because they weren’t “meant” for each other. Kinda like the soul mate belief too though. That “he’s my soul mate” crap. Like there is really one person in the whole world for another… let me just tell you- if that’s the case .. I had better start searching high and low now, because I’m 26, and I ain’t getting any younger. Time is precious at this point. (no doubt if that were the case id find the “meant for me” at around about 100 yrs old.. and croak the following day)
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. Or more commonly known as “what goes around comes around’. Sure we have all said it, thought it, even thought twice about doing something less than good to someone else in fear of it (Well most of us… who have a conscience) But isn’t there someone who will just point it out… Karma who? How do we even know there is Karma. ??? Sure your boyfriend left you for someone else… Sure you’d like to think “ohhhhhh that karma!!!... What goes around comes around!!!” In all reality… It may not come around! They may go through life happy as clams! She may even be “the one”. He may never treat her as shitty as he treated you. He may treat her like Gold…But that’s okay. Isn’t there a slight possibility that maybe you just weren’t the gold at the end of HIS rainbow?
I have come to realize this in the last few days: That I may always feel “life is unfair”, and that I got the “shitty end of the stick.” Truth be told, I really did. But believing fate or karma will make me feel better because someone will learn there lesson or maybe even feel bad for doing me wrong is silly. We believe in things like fate and karma because it gives us hope for a better scenario. Here’s the thing: Sometimes people just don’t care about your feelings. Sometimes Karma doesn’t happen. Nothing comes around. Nothing goes around. Fate doesn’t happen either, unless you consider it fate that they found each other ( make me gag). Some people just do what they want to and it doesn’t matter who may hurt or lose in the plan of them winning. That’s okay. Those are the people you leave behind. You look the other way, and keep on believing in the gold that is at the end of your rainbow.

sad or mad

S0o today i started the moment of bitter-ness. That's when you have been sad and inlove with someone for so long , that when they text you, you all the sudden have a feeling of rage. This last week i have been trying to "play it cool" when Chase called, and not be mad about the situation. I have failed miserably every time. Every day we have talked or texted, and knowing that he was unhappy with the new girl situation kinda made me hold on a little. Like I have no clue about the actual situation- that he is lying next to someone all nightlong, and spending his every waking second with her.... But then today, it was like.. don't text me - i care too much. Call her. text her. ( PS: im sure he is doing all of those things already)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)

someone is eventually gonna have to go #2

You know how some people can just breakup with one person and immediately they are a-okay and ready for the next new guy or gal to come their way... aS if it was no big deal that they just got their heart trampled on!?! I know people like this. Its like one day they are breaking up with someone and upset and 24 hours later ( or so it seems) they are over it, and often falling for someone else.
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...

to finally cry

shes here. "Chase's" girl... shes here.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??

Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.

i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.

TRUE Story

TRue StoRY...

Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.

Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.

Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.

About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...

Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.

As always my bestfriend to the rescue.

I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!

My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)

2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.

The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.

who was i kidding...

Who was i kidding? Peace with my soul? puh-leaseee... i must've written that on some sentimental quest for getting over love.
Clearly when i wrote that I was sober. Now i am not.
My outlook today is a little different now. Although im still content with my decisions to see him... i do miss him now more than i did before. That last night together did what it was supposed to, helped me forget about Mr jerkfaces text dumping and give me my "groove back".... But did it help to give me the closure i needed with him like i was spouting off about in the previous blog? ha... instead it gave me the realization of what i loved before... ( uhhh a duhh moment for all of you readers im sure...)
well bite me.
It's 1am.I had a few too many cocktails tonight, and I miss him. I miss him because this is the first day of reality ...REAL real reality . the reality i cant escape. It's the real, raw , in my face, this is really happening... time is ticking , and hes really moving on, reality. It really stares me in the face after a night with him (which i never thought would ever happen again) and drinking.. and quite frankly.. it has an ugly face. ( kinda like mr jerk faces ex girl friend. - but hey thats neither here nor there). The fact that i must really let this man go has come. I cant hate. I cant love. I cant even think about it anymore.

some say your ex... makes the....( the biggie rap- u know what i mean)

One last night with your ex.... hmmmmmm.... tricky subject. Bad bad bad idea. But sometimes its better to recycle then to create a new "thing' . ( its all about the environment here.. doing good for mankind)

So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.

So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.

It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.