Probably my best blog of 2011 is leopards dont change their spots... If your ever bored though read my older stuff, - eventually someone is going to have to go number 2 is also one i like.
I have another page called " wtf just happened" dedicated to a short time and a very strange relationship- those are laugh worthy!
Enjoy!
Ps ignore the recent worsened negative tude. Im 29. A lil heartbroke and nervous over my lack of control. Ive got my health ... My botox.. My body is rockin rt now.. And at 29 im hotter than i was at 25. Hello thursday. Im awesome again!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
desperately seeking.... anything.
im feeling a little sorry for myself this week, and a little lonely- obviously this is why i suddenly am writing again....and with no facebook im clearly bored.... so forgive me in advance for the negative vibes. i certainly dont mean to be. things just dont make sense. the older and wiser i become the more rediculous i feel about emotions and where i am in my life.
i find that i do wake up and wonder everyday when is my turn.
when will i find my purpose?
i often feel i am searching daily. for something. anything. nothing means anything - and i feel empty more often than not - living day to day trying to build a life on nothing-ness. I have all the makings of "great" and there is missing pieces.
i am happiest when i am teaching. when i am motivating people in my spin classes or my body pump classes... when after i teach kickboxing people come up to me and are in "awwwwwe" of how many calories they just burned. i fascinate myself. its REALLY the only thing i do well and am proud of. everything else is secondary. and although i know i am a good leader.. its more so because i have been told that. The teaching stuff on the other hand i kinda fell into and just came so natural to me that i found out by doing it how good i actually was. and without sounding cocky- it is truly the ONLY thing i am confident about.
if you met me you might think i was confident about everything. I DO FRONT that way. its quite a front i put on. i could win an oscar for the act i portray!!! confident, cocky, funny, and very succesful - quite frankly a young girl on her way. if you knew the real me though you'd know.. theres a little girl in here -that doesnt think she will ever be pretty enough, thin enough or good enough . she will never win. although she strives to win. AT EVERYTHING. and when she doesnt win, it breaks her down further. the negetive comes from the constant trying to win, and not winning.
but even at the teaching... i naturally have good rhythm, the beat of the music, the 8 counts, the fitness moves all come NATURAL to me... i make up no routine, i teach off the cuff.. much as i like to do in my every day life. i am better off the cuff in all aspects. i speak better that way, i plan better that way, and i write better that way. i find when i over prepare for things -sorta like if i were to over prepare and make up routines for my classes- i would over think it, and likely stress myself out worse- and its clear i already put the pressure on in all instances- so that could be tragic! i sometimes think maybe my purpose is fitness and teaching... but not all aspects of that industry i like - i just like the physical being in front of the class and actually teaching for that 60 minutes - the rest of that crap - the certifications and online videos and stuff- ugh... no thank you.
i dont know what i am looking for... or who.
i hope i find it though - otherwise it is going to be a very long, life of bloggs and self help books for reading - and lots of fitness classes..i will be skinnny though=) that you can bet.
i find that i do wake up and wonder everyday when is my turn.
when will i find my purpose?
i often feel i am searching daily. for something. anything. nothing means anything - and i feel empty more often than not - living day to day trying to build a life on nothing-ness. I have all the makings of "great" and there is missing pieces.
i am happiest when i am teaching. when i am motivating people in my spin classes or my body pump classes... when after i teach kickboxing people come up to me and are in "awwwwwe" of how many calories they just burned. i fascinate myself. its REALLY the only thing i do well and am proud of. everything else is secondary. and although i know i am a good leader.. its more so because i have been told that. The teaching stuff on the other hand i kinda fell into and just came so natural to me that i found out by doing it how good i actually was. and without sounding cocky- it is truly the ONLY thing i am confident about.
if you met me you might think i was confident about everything. I DO FRONT that way. its quite a front i put on. i could win an oscar for the act i portray!!! confident, cocky, funny, and very succesful - quite frankly a young girl on her way. if you knew the real me though you'd know.. theres a little girl in here -that doesnt think she will ever be pretty enough, thin enough or good enough . she will never win. although she strives to win. AT EVERYTHING. and when she doesnt win, it breaks her down further. the negetive comes from the constant trying to win, and not winning.
but even at the teaching... i naturally have good rhythm, the beat of the music, the 8 counts, the fitness moves all come NATURAL to me... i make up no routine, i teach off the cuff.. much as i like to do in my every day life. i am better off the cuff in all aspects. i speak better that way, i plan better that way, and i write better that way. i find when i over prepare for things -sorta like if i were to over prepare and make up routines for my classes- i would over think it, and likely stress myself out worse- and its clear i already put the pressure on in all instances- so that could be tragic! i sometimes think maybe my purpose is fitness and teaching... but not all aspects of that industry i like - i just like the physical being in front of the class and actually teaching for that 60 minutes - the rest of that crap - the certifications and online videos and stuff- ugh... no thank you.
i dont know what i am looking for... or who.
i hope i find it though - otherwise it is going to be a very long, life of bloggs and self help books for reading - and lots of fitness classes..i will be skinnny though=) that you can bet.
Holiday savings.
Full on admittance... The absolute number one thing that makes being single in the holiday season awesome is... Saving money!!!!!! I look back on years past and im totally 200-500 dollars richer this year!
There is also nothing worse than heartbreak. So maybe that is your price. Your holiday fee. Rather than gifts- you save the cash and spend on your heart. That cost is often far more expensive bc we all know we would spend any amount of money, walk to the ends of the earth to not feel heartbreak-there is nothing so painful and so miserable than wanting the gift of love, having it, losing it, and not knowing why.
So since i am saving in dollars and cents this year im going to start by making a resolution to save up for good sense in 2012. May 2012 bring me a prosperous holiday season... Filled with lots of gifts!
There is also nothing worse than heartbreak. So maybe that is your price. Your holiday fee. Rather than gifts- you save the cash and spend on your heart. That cost is often far more expensive bc we all know we would spend any amount of money, walk to the ends of the earth to not feel heartbreak-there is nothing so painful and so miserable than wanting the gift of love, having it, losing it, and not knowing why.
So since i am saving in dollars and cents this year im going to start by making a resolution to save up for good sense in 2012. May 2012 bring me a prosperous holiday season... Filled with lots of gifts!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
missing facebook...
so i deactivated my facebook account last week on impulse... and now its killing me. that's how you know your addicted to something. when you literally are begging it back. ( much like most of my addictions) i was having one of those days. well i have been having a weird month or 2 actually. i dyed my hair from blonde again back to dark- again on impulse... so impulsive, that if my hair girl didn't get me in... i was going to box color it.. and we all know how traumatic that can be for ones strands.... the nerve of me! and then i turned to facebook... when in doubt.. and no control over your current scenario... face book is always a good start,..... and it makes you look ....'oh-so-mature".... so ... in the most maturest of fashions, i started by deleting those whom i felt may be a) toxic to my life or b) pointless in my life. well when that didn't solve my feelings of whatever it was i feeling.. i took a leap of faith on my own personal little voice box inside my head...and it says to me daily :
" your amazing. (well this is how it starts)... you sit on facebook to much. you are sort of obsessed with sharing your thoughts, and guess what... no one gives a fuck! no one cares your miserable today. so cut it... and BY THE WAY self!!!!!!- looking at things you likely shouldn't see on facebook anyway is damaging to your heart and your arguably crazy head. you my friend are your worst enemy.. and ps... on a side note... your a little wild on this personal facebook. take it off for awhile . your job will thank you".
now i never planned to keep it off forever. merely a few weeks. take some time to focus on work... and maybe even "me" a little. bettering myself. plus it couldnt hurt to try something new and really... its only facebook! but i have to be honest.....IM BORED. and ... every picture i have ever uploaded and tagged a friend in - is gone! we all found that out the hardway - when my roommate realized we no longer have any pics!!!! I'm the one who loads all the albums and basically EVERY thing we have done the last year is gone!
i know what your thinking- who cares... and rightfully so... but .... i have found that SEVERAL texts have come in asking me to be back on facebook.. and despite my thinking that "no one cares" some people find my miserable humor, comical, and enlightening day to day and they are now a little bored without my "shenanigans. (so i am told) which brings me to my blog. i no longer care that someone i know may read this and find out what im really thinking. i no longer will filter what i feel - bc people don't want to hear it. again as i said in the last one.. as it is 'my facebook" its my blog . i say what i want. no judging. just reading.
\
i find this - writing in general to be an outlet for me. i hate talking on the phone. ask my friends - i hate it. i would text or email all day... this is why i like facebook.. i can express thru humor or rage in a status exactly how my entire day is- in 2 sentences.. and people i haven't talked to in 2 years have just been updated on my life. its genius if you ask me. im beginning to see that what i miss about facebook- and i have only been deactivated for 1 WEEK... (lol).... IS THE EXPRESSION. the chance to write.. to make people laugh daily. whether i am sad, heartbroken, happy, or utterly angry to the point of no return, i find when i write it, i feel better about it, and my friends can relate... (sometimes.. i mean, not everyone can relate.. my antics are top notch)... so blog away i say... as long as i can think of something to bitch about or blab about I'm on my way... enjoy!
" your amazing. (well this is how it starts)... you sit on facebook to much. you are sort of obsessed with sharing your thoughts, and guess what... no one gives a fuck! no one cares your miserable today. so cut it... and BY THE WAY self!!!!!!- looking at things you likely shouldn't see on facebook anyway is damaging to your heart and your arguably crazy head. you my friend are your worst enemy.. and ps... on a side note... your a little wild on this personal facebook. take it off for awhile . your job will thank you".
now i never planned to keep it off forever. merely a few weeks. take some time to focus on work... and maybe even "me" a little. bettering myself. plus it couldnt hurt to try something new and really... its only facebook! but i have to be honest.....IM BORED. and ... every picture i have ever uploaded and tagged a friend in - is gone! we all found that out the hardway - when my roommate realized we no longer have any pics!!!! I'm the one who loads all the albums and basically EVERY thing we have done the last year is gone!
i know what your thinking- who cares... and rightfully so... but .... i have found that SEVERAL texts have come in asking me to be back on facebook.. and despite my thinking that "no one cares" some people find my miserable humor, comical, and enlightening day to day and they are now a little bored without my "shenanigans. (so i am told) which brings me to my blog. i no longer care that someone i know may read this and find out what im really thinking. i no longer will filter what i feel - bc people don't want to hear it. again as i said in the last one.. as it is 'my facebook" its my blog . i say what i want. no judging. just reading.
\
i find this - writing in general to be an outlet for me. i hate talking on the phone. ask my friends - i hate it. i would text or email all day... this is why i like facebook.. i can express thru humor or rage in a status exactly how my entire day is- in 2 sentences.. and people i haven't talked to in 2 years have just been updated on my life. its genius if you ask me. im beginning to see that what i miss about facebook- and i have only been deactivated for 1 WEEK... (lol).... IS THE EXPRESSION. the chance to write.. to make people laugh daily. whether i am sad, heartbroken, happy, or utterly angry to the point of no return, i find when i write it, i feel better about it, and my friends can relate... (sometimes.. i mean, not everyone can relate.. my antics are top notch)... so blog away i say... as long as i can think of something to bitch about or blab about I'm on my way... enjoy!
Monday, November 14, 2011
nope.... nothing new. still confused.
Love is a funny thing. One day you’re in it – one day you’re not in it. One day you’re in it… one day the object of your affections is not in it and leaves you, left in it… chasing to get them back in it.. it’s like a tug of war. It’s a wonder when you hear of couples who have been married for 50 years- that they ever made it.
in this day and age- the falling in and out of love, the hearts that break, around me,,, how does anyone make it more than 6 MThs? Much less two years.. or 10?
I thought –as we have seen in the last year- that I would be getting married. And now that I have had a taste of the single life I am not sure I want that either – contrary to popular belief- when I say that – a taste of the single life”… its not what you think…I am NOT out there dating and sowing some sort of wild oat at 29 I missed at 21. Trust me. I sowed them over the years! If anything I am less into dating now than I ever was. I actually repel dating. ( boy! I sound awesome don’t i… ??? Totally, the kind of “gal” ya just can’t wait to meet at the bar!) But it’s all truth. Truth be told. Dating is annoying. I have absolutely no desire to do it. I find Dateline to be more enticing on a Friday night than a date, if that tells you anything. I am simply OVER THE fall in love , get your heart broken time and time again crap that happens every time and done taking chances on it. I took a chance this last few times … well really I took a chance my entire life, and I don’t feel it benefited me in the end, at all. I was left the one hurting- and in the end, I now am left finally sticking up and saying FUCK THAT. its not fair.
Lifes not fair –true- .again
I really don’t know any more what I want. I have a fear of being single forever… I want children. So this is scary. And sure… the celebrities are adopting left and right.. but I do love the idea of a family. Its cliché to say normal… but I’m saying it anyway- this is MY BLOG. I SAY WHAT I WANT. I want a normal family. Its SLIGHTLY an issue though when you refuse to date .. to meet someone … how the hell am I ever going to meet someone , ever going to marry and have the white picket fence, or beaver cleaver lifestyle I so desperately want ? How will I ever be a desperate housewife on wisteria lane with this hateful I hate dating attitude if I’m not willing to alter my thoughts about dating in general???? I’m stumped too.. trust me I think about this pretty much very day. I should likely stop obsessing about what I obsess about for starters…..
in this day and age- the falling in and out of love, the hearts that break, around me,,, how does anyone make it more than 6 MThs? Much less two years.. or 10?
I thought –as we have seen in the last year- that I would be getting married. And now that I have had a taste of the single life I am not sure I want that either – contrary to popular belief- when I say that – a taste of the single life”… its not what you think…I am NOT out there dating and sowing some sort of wild oat at 29 I missed at 21. Trust me. I sowed them over the years! If anything I am less into dating now than I ever was. I actually repel dating. ( boy! I sound awesome don’t i… ??? Totally, the kind of “gal” ya just can’t wait to meet at the bar!) But it’s all truth. Truth be told. Dating is annoying. I have absolutely no desire to do it. I find Dateline to be more enticing on a Friday night than a date, if that tells you anything. I am simply OVER THE fall in love , get your heart broken time and time again crap that happens every time and done taking chances on it. I took a chance this last few times … well really I took a chance my entire life, and I don’t feel it benefited me in the end, at all. I was left the one hurting- and in the end, I now am left finally sticking up and saying FUCK THAT. its not fair.
Lifes not fair –true- .again
I really don’t know any more what I want. I have a fear of being single forever… I want children. So this is scary. And sure… the celebrities are adopting left and right.. but I do love the idea of a family. Its cliché to say normal… but I’m saying it anyway- this is MY BLOG. I SAY WHAT I WANT. I want a normal family. Its SLIGHTLY an issue though when you refuse to date .. to meet someone … how the hell am I ever going to meet someone , ever going to marry and have the white picket fence, or beaver cleaver lifestyle I so desperately want ? How will I ever be a desperate housewife on wisteria lane with this hateful I hate dating attitude if I’m not willing to alter my thoughts about dating in general???? I’m stumped too.. trust me I think about this pretty much very day. I should likely stop obsessing about what I obsess about for starters…..
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