who wouldn't wanna be me?

looks they are deceiving.
life has a funny way of showing you your mistakes, making you feel vulnerable and then ripping them or your options away anyway.
I'm not really religious. I don't even know what I believe in,.. but if there is a higher being, what I do believe is he/she plays with fire on a daily basis. Emotional game playing must be the sport of choice and he/she is the MVP! I, in most cases, am the loser in "it's" winning game.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

and I'm back to my list of the 30 at 30 thing.... half way through 30 I better jump on this fast...!
so here goes. number 5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

I struggled with this one the last year and a half. Truly struggled. not only did I turn 30, but I got engaged. In so many ways my youth has hindered me and held me back from the content level of where I know my life has already taken me... but isn't that typical? we always want more... that grass is always greener on the other side....

it's not though. I went to the other side. I saw that grass... and trust me the grass I'm living on right now is far greener. my youth was amazing and heartbreaking all at the same. I loved deeply and I lost even deeper. I look back and am thankful for many losses and yet nostalgic about others. ; we never forget our first loves and closest friendships do we?)
the truth is, with age it gets better. you are able to pull out the weeds, keep the yard looking "oh-so nice" - almost effortlessly drama free.

I will always look back on my past I think:
my great love. ( singular - there's only one that has that hold on me)
my great friendships - so very many I no longer have due to growing apart, and not enough effort.
my great experiences - late nights, over partying, loud music, fun people and emotionless love connections that typically ended when the uppers left.

But....I also look back on a youth of pretty crappy heart aches that unfortunately still haunt me.... pretty crappy fake friendships and pretty crappy choices on my part to prolong my youth and not take the next step too actually " living"....


I believe, now, life is just beginning. I have done amazing things, but my dad always told me "the day I was born- his life began... " I look forward to beginning life too. living it - starting now. saying goodbye to the past and letting go of the haunting memories I have carried with me for so long.

I have a wonderful fiancé waiting to begin a life with me by his side - and that.... is truly the contentment I need to leave the rest behind.

the Carrie epidemic

is it just me or do half the women you know think they are a Carrie Bradshaw replica? every time I hear a female say this- I typically want to say " no , hoe. You my friend, are a Samantha".

I guess a lot of girls have some Carrie qualities, but a lot less than They think. ( just cause your single bitch does not mean your a Carrie)

a Carrie is someone who is deep, intellectual, smart, funny, and intuitive. she chases her dreams, she finds success because she puts her career on her high list of priorities, she finds great men who treat her phenomenally well, then she chooses to chase the one who keeps hurting her because she can't settle on the thought that maybe she doesn't need drama in her love life.

I ... am a Carrie.