maybe I should google it....

So, I'm getting married. Did I leave that part out? If so, rumors are true :) bitch got the break... Sorta.
isn't it what they always say - "grass is always greener..." well I'm positive I'm living proof of just the type of deranged individual sayings like that are made for.

In the process of this planning phase of a wedding, a few things are in my head- ofcourse one is excitement for my life to take off, have a family, have a wedding..... but issues 2,3 and 4 are selfish and embarrassing. So, I thought maybe I should google it. Certainly I'm not the only girl in the world who has selfish dreams of grander.... or am I? They surely don't make it look like this in the movies.....
Truth is I'm terrified to be a grown up. ( yes. I'm 30 fucking years old already. no need for commentary) its true. I don't want to leave "29, wild and damn fine" behind. I actually like being alone! I like my crazy antics with my best friend... I like doing what I want when I want. and this means I can no longer do sneaky crazy things and plot sneaky crazy ideas with the BFF with plans that if we actually do these things, we then, have to cover each others ass so we don't get caught! (your thinking wow, this story is getting good, but a lady never tells her secret. or her best friends)
I thought about running away like Thelma and Louise or being a golden girl but I know for a fact the Golden Girls all were married at least once before committing themselves to the over 60, living in miami club...

So that's where I am at. Is this normal.... maybe I SHOUlD google it...?

who wouldn't wanna be me?

looks they are deceiving.
life has a funny way of showing you your mistakes, making you feel vulnerable and then ripping them or your options away anyway.
I'm not really religious. I don't even know what I believe in,.. but if there is a higher being, what I do believe is he/she plays with fire on a daily basis. Emotional game playing must be the sport of choice and he/she is the MVP! I, in most cases, am the loser in "it's" winning game.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

and I'm back to my list of the 30 at 30 thing.... half way through 30 I better jump on this fast...!
so here goes. number 5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

I struggled with this one the last year and a half. Truly struggled. not only did I turn 30, but I got engaged. In so many ways my youth has hindered me and held me back from the content level of where I know my life has already taken me... but isn't that typical? we always want more... that grass is always greener on the other side....

it's not though. I went to the other side. I saw that grass... and trust me the grass I'm living on right now is far greener. my youth was amazing and heartbreaking all at the same. I loved deeply and I lost even deeper. I look back and am thankful for many losses and yet nostalgic about others. ; we never forget our first loves and closest friendships do we?)
the truth is, with age it gets better. you are able to pull out the weeds, keep the yard looking "oh-so nice" - almost effortlessly drama free.

I will always look back on my past I think:
my great love. ( singular - there's only one that has that hold on me)
my great friendships - so very many I no longer have due to growing apart, and not enough effort.
my great experiences - late nights, over partying, loud music, fun people and emotionless love connections that typically ended when the uppers left.

But....I also look back on a youth of pretty crappy heart aches that unfortunately still haunt me.... pretty crappy fake friendships and pretty crappy choices on my part to prolong my youth and not take the next step too actually " living"....


I believe, now, life is just beginning. I have done amazing things, but my dad always told me "the day I was born- his life began... " I look forward to beginning life too. living it - starting now. saying goodbye to the past and letting go of the haunting memories I have carried with me for so long.

I have a wonderful fiancé waiting to begin a life with me by his side - and that.... is truly the contentment I need to leave the rest behind.

the Carrie epidemic

is it just me or do half the women you know think they are a Carrie Bradshaw replica? every time I hear a female say this- I typically want to say " no , hoe. You my friend, are a Samantha".

I guess a lot of girls have some Carrie qualities, but a lot less than They think. ( just cause your single bitch does not mean your a Carrie)

a Carrie is someone who is deep, intellectual, smart, funny, and intuitive. she chases her dreams, she finds success because she puts her career on her high list of priorities, she finds great men who treat her phenomenally well, then she chooses to chase the one who keeps hurting her because she can't settle on the thought that maybe she doesn't need drama in her love life.

I ... am a Carrie.

when is nearly perfect enough?

on a sex and the city marathon kind of day, Carrie asks if we need drama In order to be happy in a relationship.
this makes me ponder as well....
I feel similar. when the drama isnt there its far less interesting. why when things are nearly perfect do we sabotage it by picking fights, or losing interest all together? we end up chasing waterfalls that TLC told us lead no where good.
yet we do it anyway. when is simple and nearly perfect -enough for longevity? is it ever?

my 30 list is stag

Meaning I've lost my will to update it. Help me find it!!!
writers block!?!?
life confusion?
Am I actually happy enough to have nothing to bitch about?!?
Maybe next one I will write about being 29. Now that was some extreme ups and crazy downs! New boobs, old flames, heartache, anxiety and all the things in between I practically created the norm for....

4. a purse, a suitcase and an umbrella

At 30, you should have :

A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.


Well, I'm not rocking a Louis Vuitton or anything but I have a wide array of colorful bags I like enough to take just about anywhere. I've developed a love for Marshalls, Tj Maxx and knock offs from Forever 21 that I can be proud of. - Being thrifty makes me economical right? ( ps. Guilina Rancic was carrying a fantastic bag from
Forever 21 on her show this season... if she does it- in all her hotness- I'm sure as heck going to)

I updated my luggage this year as well - before 30! I can effectively fly out of town for business or pleasure and not merely on the Jessica Simpson luggage line! I have real luggage without a cheesy popstar promotion behind it!
As far as the umbrella does- that's just silly. I don't care now or ever what my umbrella looks like. I own one- that's good! right?

26 more things to go:)

3. something perfect to wear if your employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour

"At 30 you should have something perfect to wear if your employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour."

I think I have this one mastered. Working in an office setting for a few years I have great business attire. (some of it a little outdated but never the less I have a few "got me the job" go-to's when in doubt or needing a little confidence boost.) appearance
CAN make or break you. I'm sorry... but I said it! #truth

if the man of my dreams wants to meet me- aka "the rock", Ryan gosling, shamar Moore or Channing tatum- I'm afraid nothing would be good enough for these guys! However, I do have quite an array worthy for a wingman or entourage. I feel confident if in a bikini setting is where their meeting me for the first time I have the perfect suit.... and let's be honest- first impressions are everything!

3 down. feeling ok to be 30 ......

#2. by 30... you better own a piece of furniture!

By 30- you should have one piece of furniture you own..... so the number 2- being 30 list goes.....

When I moved away 3 years ago... I had not one piece of furniture.  At 27 years old.. everything I owned my parents either gave to me or bought me.

 I worked for a home builder and was able to purchase some nicer model home furniture for super cheap when we would close out a community and the models would be bought. I gathered some great mirrors, wall decor, bathroom decor, and an armoir that has about reached its limit on serving as tv stand.....
I did however buy my first ever full bedroom set- with my boyfriend. a nice one too.. one that qualified us for a large flat screen tv -complimentary ( till he insisted we upgrade...) -THANK YOU, ROOMS TO GO!
 When he and I split a year or so ago... I kept all but on piece of the furniture. - one of the 2 dressers he took ( as part of the "divorce... that, the xbox, and the flat screen tv- figures). Either way, this along with an oversized red couch bed I bought on impulse for my guest room ( mind you, doubles as an office, and is ENTIRELY  too big for the room...) and bar stools, I can say those are my most "me" purchases... all mine!

At 30- I can atleast outfit a bedroom, have a couch for sitting, oooh and a desk for working, and .... sit .."at the bar" (also doubles as the kitchen counter).=)

1, One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to, and one to remind you of how far you've come

(Figures they would give me the tough one as the starter of the 30 blogs....)

I for one have many that remind me of how far I've come. Many meaning - just that almost every relationship I have been in reminds me of this. (trust me... there have not been "many" but you know what im getting at)
I, like many women seem to pick the bad boy and fall madly in love only to get my heart stomped as we have read in ALL my previous blogs. So with that- I do look to the future knowing I do not want to stand for that behavior anymore. I wont. I am tougher than nails and guess what- the lies you're spitting - I've heard it all baby.
I am positive there is NOTHING  I have not heard- and if your looking for someone to run game on... welll... then.. GAME ON. I dont have time for the pain , the suffering or quite honestly the bullshit.
 I have learned my lessons, and learned what I want from a man... from My life partner! (and no where does it say any of the ex boyfriends from 2008 and beyond)

In the same sense, one always has one they can vision "what would it have been like if it had worked out".... this one often can be in the same catagory- showing us where we came from... and how we dont /or shouldnt ever go back... but the wonder is always there. I am convinced, one  may always wonder. Even on our happiest days. We cant deny at one time we had love for someone- very deep love.And at one time- the idea of marrying him may have played a role ... or a fantasy.

Years may pass and I may always wonder- BUT- I am confident, I am the true gem in the past AND PRESENT when it comes to that one... and I am also confident, that no matter how much I may wonder- he too will wonder- and WISH he had not made those mistakes so many years before. When he does grow up- a girl like me will be the diamond in the rough he will be desperate to find.

one down.. 29 to go.

"30 things we should know by 30" & all my thoughts in between...

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She's 30." The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list's original author, who is also a Huffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.




Because I just turned 30 this month- I'm going to take the next year to touch base on every single one of these things.... with full credit given to Glamour magazine for the list- I choose to elaborate on how it feels to be 30 and to "feel " all of these things.... ( the 30 blogs are for my future self.... and my roommate...with notation that ya know what- your 26 darling, and one day, its ALL GOING TO BE OKAY)


By 30, you should have ...



1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.



2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.



3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.



4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.



5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.



6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.



7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.



8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.



9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.



10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.



11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.



12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.



13. The belief that you deserve it.



14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.



15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.





By 30, you should know ...



1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.



2. How you feel about having kids.



3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.



4. When to try harder and when to walk away.



5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.



6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.



7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.



8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.



9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.



10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.



11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.



12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.



13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.



14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.



15. Why they say life begins at 30





on that note- stay tuned.....

vodka did it.

I'm innocent.
and anything I said a few weeks ago - I likely meant however without vodka starting our conversation- those things would have never been said! I mean sure I have felt rage and love and all those other things but at 3am I clearly was not thinking "clearly". vodka took the reigns. it hopped on our horse and rode us into a place of no return....

then ... vodka did it again! that bitch. why she makes me look so stupid I have no idea. she really is only out for herself! so ... for the record. I didn't text you. vodka - that whore- she did it.

just one word.

vomit.
similar to how I feel when I see posts on Facebook from people I'm growing to have a love hate relationship with.

message to an ex....

your friends always do the talking when they see your ex. i know because i do this for my friends.
i have decided a better method is to just tell them off - do not try to make them see they lost the best thing to EVER happen to them- obviously you think that ... you adore your friend. so just be strait up. a letter will do. if your real ballsy hand deliver it:)

dear ex:
your an idiot. your a user. love abuser and unfortunately my best friends true love. fuck off.
-her best friend.

isn't it ironic... dontcha think.

that song was written about my life-#convinced.

some of God's greatest gifts.....

“Sometimes I thank god…. For unanswered prayers…. Remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs. And just because he may not answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care… some of gods greatest gifts- are unanswered prayers….”- Garth Brooks

I began thinking of this tonight, when an old flames mother called to alert me of the recent happenings in her son’s life. – It was true… he was just as lost as he was 10 years prior. All the world had changed, half of “us” had grown up… ME. I shouldn’t be surprised. After all the psychic did tell my best friend, that he had altered fate by not being able to grow up- yet still it baffles me that anyone can be so delusional. We like to call it the “peter pan syndrome”.

(We as in, me and my best friend.)

It is unfortunate I know several “peter’s”- her and I dated two of the most notorious peter pans I’ve ever met- and rightfully so- at 32 and 33, they are roommates living this college dorm life. Now let’s give a little credit to one.. her ex at least has his shit together financially… but completely whack when it comes to relations- he prefers “relation-shits” far more than he does a genuine relationship and from what I have heard- his family is desperate for him to settle down and act his age- but he refuses to get “wifed up”. His pattern is the same.. Year after year… boy meets girl, boy falls in love.. Girl falls in love.. Girl wants more, growth, marriage… girl gets dumped. I’d say it was sad, but then I realize EVERY single girl went through the same thing, the only thing it is sad for is him….. the girls should all join together and have a BIG PARTY to celebrate their winnings!!- they didn’t get stuck with a non-committal, relationship whore, cheater ! ( this deserves at least a high five). On the flip side, and for the record- I like this guy- he’s fun and nice and all that jazz… but the peter pan syndrome is specific to nice guys I feel like… in fact they are so nice and charismatic- it would be hard to not like them at all.. I actually shuttered and almost deleted this paragraph I like her ex so much, - the fact that he may hate me for calling him a douche bag –who now has to seek botox in order to date the 22 year olds he will now have to date bc the older bitches think he’s a douche bag – well… that’s just reason enough to consider not typing any more tonight…

However- one must not filter when in the mood to express =) so.. more I go….

Anyway… the peter pan syndrome…. Ahhhh… yes…. so my ex – whom at one time (several times) I thought I may never get over – has yet again proved to be just as childish as ever- with his delusional dreams of grander and crazy plans that he never follows through on- I simply cannot fathom what in the hell is wrong with this guy- there is no concept of reality. Let me put it this way – if you have been in need of a new car for a long time, and unable to afford it- and then you think your first time back on the road is with a BMW- you might be a PETER…(and delusional.) If you tell the world you have changed, or that you really care about someone, yet you screw them over, or allow them to hurt over you- you might be PETER… if your 33 and unable to hold a steady relationship of any kind that actually means something with anyone of any sort of real life experience… you might be a PETER.

The peter pans of the world, are guys who are over 30- and refuse to act their age. In their mind they fist pump with jersey shores finest, worried about t-shirt time far more than saving money to buy a home or having anything to show for themselves. High Class Possessions, like a car, are far more important than finding love and a partner, starting a family, or growing their career. They judge happiness off the finer things, and in the end, neither of these guys know who they are – they both are lost. (one way more than the other..way more!!!)

I believe true happiness is when you stop caring what others think, you love you for the true person you are inside, and you are content with knowing that what God gave you – is enough. When you love that you- you find someone who loves that you too… and you’re not looking for the next best thing



I know both these guys have had opportunities several times- they have both found girls who saw through the vain exterior… and found the real them.. and ya know what… LOVED ANYWAY, that’s a true statement because I was one of them. I can remember being on the other side though which I have written about and shared before… not understanding the game of love and all its twists and turns. The why’s and why not’s, the “you will regret this” and that… and most importantly the trials of heartbreak and realizing, you know.,… maybe they just won’t grow up….. for any woman, this is a tough one, bc we can all admit we believe we can be the one to change this. We cant….WE couldn’t… and at this point after stories from his mother, I’m not sure anyone can. He has joked he is the real life George Clooney of his time… and ya know what.. I FINALLY BELIEVE THAT.

I look back at all the prayers I have had in the last ( too many ) few years,,, and I can honestly say , my unanswered prayers were my biggest gift. I grew up, I made a life for myself, and I’m happier than I ever thought I could be. I never thought I would be so thankful for an unanswered prayer, but to sit here tonight and know this person who I thought at one time, hung the moon, may never even step foot on the roof of a building…. Well…let’s be honest- Hanging the moon, is just a long shot… and I’m not one for fairytales.

soul mates

I opened up my email this morning and there was my daily dose of a friends blog I subscribe to.- now a lot of times I ignore it till I have time to sit down and read but for some reason based off our last chat I was dying to know what had happened in her life since... and knowing her- I knew it would be there in black and white.
but this time she instead reflected on the conversation we had a few days earlier... it's possible it is not the conversation we had but whom ever else it could be must have had the same talk.... anyway when reflecting on relationships, and fate, and soul mates I realize we all want the same thing. that earth shattering love- that undeniable, I can't breathe... love and very few live a life with it consistently.

my best friend saw a psychic a few weeks ago who told her my soul mate was - of course- the one person I had hoped it would not be. I have already met him... and he had altered fate by being too childish and unready to grow up. well this just confirmed what I knew along. does it make me feel good or justified that someone else agrees? no....! instead I feel a sense of "what ifs" "why nots" and "how come".

my friends blog refers to it like a "lottery ticket."when u stumble upon your soul mate...this lottery ticket is like, she says " once in a lifetime". so if your once and a lifetime has passed- then what!? ... the psychic told the best friend that most people don't spend their life with their soul mate bc of chance and fate alterations... but once you have felt that feeling, that feeling never goes away despite how life alters your own path.

my advice to those who may have felt or do feel that way...and by chance this chapter may close. if you feel that person simply takes your breath away, and your positive of this connection - you may have found your soul mate. life may change both your paths but the odds are high that if you say how you feel when you feel it, that moment will never pass you by.

yep. that bitch was crazy.

just an update. we're dealing with a real clinger here... I'm talking fake Facebook profiles stalking me and my friends. - this is the ONE time I actually believe.