who was i kidding...

Who was i kidding? Peace with my soul? puh-leaseee... i must've written that on some sentimental quest for getting over love.
Clearly when i wrote that I was sober. Now i am not.
My outlook today is a little different now. Although im still content with my decisions to see him... i do miss him now more than i did before. That last night together did what it was supposed to, helped me forget about Mr jerkfaces text dumping and give me my "groove back".... But did it help to give me the closure i needed with him like i was spouting off about in the previous blog? ha... instead it gave me the realization of what i loved before... ( uhhh a duhh moment for all of you readers im sure...)
well bite me.
It's 1am.I had a few too many cocktails tonight, and I miss him. I miss him because this is the first day of reality ...REAL real reality . the reality i cant escape. It's the real, raw , in my face, this is really happening... time is ticking , and hes really moving on, reality. It really stares me in the face after a night with him (which i never thought would ever happen again) and drinking.. and quite frankly.. it has an ugly face. ( kinda like mr jerk faces ex girl friend. - but hey thats neither here nor there). The fact that i must really let this man go has come. I cant hate. I cant love. I cant even think about it anymore.

some say your ex... makes the....( the biggie rap- u know what i mean)

One last night with your ex.... hmmmmmm.... tricky subject. Bad bad bad idea. But sometimes its better to recycle then to create a new "thing' . ( its all about the environment here.. doing good for mankind)

So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.

So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.

It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.

date like a man...?

A fellow blogger "mel" left me a comment the other day ... "date like a man so u don't get played like a bitch"... and i knew what she meant, but it just seems hard to do when a man doesnt use his heart in the process at all.. Most the women i know are emotional and expressive and wear their heart on their sleeve.... But really, where else would you wear that muscle? Certainly not in the place it belongs, (in your chest) - oh no. We live in Florida the 2nd biggest saline implant state in the world and they take up all the space in that region.

wtf is wrong with us that we cant find room in our chest to leave the heart where it belongs? I don't have relationship issues uprooted from a childhood of not enough attention. Hell I'm an only child- the golden child at that. It's not even attention i need- i get plenty. Maybe some people are meant to be single. ( and keep your jokes to yourself- i will NEVER own cats! )I find that for most females trust can be hard to grasp so you can often shelter that aspect of a relationship. But once u finally open up and finally give a guy a real shot- its like the thrill of the chase for them is gone, and suddenly your not that hard to get girl anymore. You are the girl who could potentially care for them, Potentially be there girlfriend, potentially one day fall in love with them. I see great positives in this: Falling in love and falling for someone in general. I don't understand why so many men run from that possibility.why is it that we as women - have to play "the game" in order to keep you interested? doesn't the game ever bore you?( it bores the hell out of me). Not to mention it becomes stressful, and STUPID. At what age or time will a man really be okay with the chase being over and the true contentment of knowing he doesn't have to chase you anymore- your in His living room, watching HIS TV, cuddled up with him on HIS couch. Here's some food for thought guys.. their are plenty of other couches out there

PS...

sooo heres some real fabulous news... this bitch finally got a break

costco replaced the broken camara!

fabulous....

i saw this and it got me thinking tonight. ... just how fantastic i am. And i mean that as unconceited as possible.

Truth be told.. most of us are insecure about things. I am one of those people that come off as miss confident Usa, and then when you get to the heart of me, the real me , you'd find out I can be percieved ( by a cheater) as one of the most insecure people on earth. Chase, although i chased him, was very insecure himself. Probably stemming from childhood issues i would imagine, but rather than dealing he turned them on me. In the end i knew every single thing HE THOUGHT was wrong with me... whether it be i drink to much, i like myspace too much, my thighs are chubby, I am "psycho'" ( just laugh), etc etc etc. I left that relationship wondering who the hell i was , and if there was anything about me good at all. In my head i know im fabulous... but it hurts when someone you love tells you you are not worth anything.

Then in my current relationship, ( read "wtf" blogs) i have sat back trying to change my communication desires and relationship wants AND NEEDS to fit the mold of what this guy may or may not want. i thought about it today while driving home from an uneventful day at work. Why in the hell am i always compromising ME for someone else? Guys i mean.. I definatly do this. I change what they dont like to make them happy. I sit back and cater to their emotions ( or lack of) to make them comfortable. Only to make myself sooooooo uncomfortable that i am filled with worry about the entire dating process. It shouldnt be that way.

I am fabulous. And the sooner i can handle "all of that" .. the sooner i will find the man that agrees.

chase, plus one.

so .. "chase" has moved on... which i get. In all honesty i wouldn't have it any other way but sometimes my heart and head get the best of me and i revert back to that "why wasn't it me " thought process. We have all been there. The guy can be the biggest ass on the planet ( and he is) but we still wonder, how is this new girl getting the guy i wanted to love her the way i wanted him to love me. How is he so nice to her and able to even imagine his lying cheating ass ever being faithful to anyone enough to feel trapped in a serious relationship. Doesn't he get that this will end his player ways?
They are moving in together. heart wrenching. like a knife, and salt.. and then theirs my wound. wide open ready for the next stab. Supposedly she is in nursing school and 'chase" is going to the police academy to be the biggest jerk of a cop Florida has to offer. But still... there is a part of me that sits back thinking.. "isn't that just fucken great!!!!????!!!! The cute little couple being do-gooders together" .... and here's the key element to the "oh whoa is me " i face daily... she is not only hot.. she is playboy hot. Knock out. probably one of the hottest girls I've ever seen.. so ... The love of my life has now moved on, and not only moved on, moved in, with the hottest girl ever. Isn't that some shit? your ex moves on with someone hotter than you!?????...( go ahead .. twist the knife. i can take it. )
not only did he put me through hell ... now he is the one who is happy and in love .. and i am the one still somewhat waiting for my ship to come in... and starting to lose hope.

normal? nice? blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so my old boss and friend "swerve" called me last night all distraught over some chick hes seeing. Now over the years i have heard him sweat many of women, and play many of them as well. He is one of those guys that is all about a girl, then over it ( ha, like many men) but this time he seemed really upset. He starting telling me about how he had finally changed his player ways and was really making the effort to show this girl he was ready for long term... only .. as he was telling her how much he cared about her- her phone went dead... how convenient right?
well if that had happened to me, i would have some sarcastic thing to assume like that. I'd give the guy ten minutes to locate his phone charger or the nearest pay phone.. or later i would mail him the 35 cents to call someone who cared.

so heres the thing.. why is it that women want this fairytale of a guy who will sweep them off there feet, and be faithful and give them the white picket fence life .. when they run from it the moment a glimpse of good comes there way? Im guilty of it myself. i think denise richards said it best on a recent episode of "its complicated"... everyone wants there single girl friend to find some great NORMAL guy who will treat them like the queen they are... but the reality is harsh. " wtf is normal anyway? normal to me is a bad guy.. and i cant help it i like bad guys" ( something like that- lets not be graphic here about what she really said about the male genitalia)
I feel this way. Wtf is normal? I struggle with this. There are plenty of fabulous kind good hearted guys out there whom never catch my eye bc im too busy "chasing" the bad ones... it's the challenge guys. the ones that keep us wondering... "he loves me , he loves me not"... or why the hell didnt he come home. ,... (sick i know) the truth is some women- myself- feed on the pain and the drama of the unknown.
the good news for the guys who are that nice guy... when these women grow the f&%k up... your the guy they want ... until then... leave the young at heart "chaser" and find your own picket fence.

oh boy! did i ever "chase"

let the nightmare begin... i mean really. what girl falls in love with the most unstable guy on the planet... and not only falls in love.. falls so deeply in love that a yr later she still is dealing with the repercussion's..... ME! DUH!!!!! ( and not just once, i might add.. i have this taste... bad taste buds!)

so my ex... we'l call him Chase. Chase because i chased his ass after he repeatedly took a shit on me. I highly considered calling him "Chuck" for chuck lidelle cause he is one of those big ass, bar fighter, ufc watching, roid ragers, but as i was writing this.."Chase" came to me...


so in the beginning .. Chase... was my friend. Close friend. He talked smarter than the other guys he ran with. He used big words, and he read. Or at least he told me he did... ( in between his shifts working as a bouncer.... at a club.... -no more details on that) anyway.. he was sweet and he cared. I later found out he was just a damn good smooth talker. he knew what to say... As close friends i had no idea about all the girls he smoothly talked to.. but dammit! i wish someone would have told me...

so somehow we cross the boundaries of friends into dating. From the first night i stayed with him, we were damn near inseparable. I felt comfortable from the start,.,, (which never happens with me)- read my other blog about the kiss... i mean i never warm rt up to anyone. For the first time tho in a long time i felt like this was just "right"... I fell in love. that kind of love where you think this is definitely "the one" ... i told my grandmother that...

but as always with me good things come to an end and we hit a bad streak. We were practically living together ( totally unofficially) and although i felt right at home with him.. the fighting began, and alot of it. He wasn't always nice to me. He put me down inn his rages, and i returned the favor in my drunk moments. Little by little though, friends started coming out the woodwork,,...saying "thats how he is..."
ha... really? well thanks fellas.. could u have warned me... ?

so 2 days before his bday.. he breaks up with me... -starting the long goodbye process ( what my mother calls it when my ex and i hang on to eachother for a yr after the initial goodbye) the night of his bday. my girls and our friends take him out... we have a great time... clearly this guy loves me, i love him.. wel get back together! wrong!!!!!!! no.. CHASE will string me along for what seems like the next decade... ( hahahhahhah funny i say that... bc i have an ex that strung me along for a decade - we'l talk about that one later- somebody help me remember to write a blog based on "birthdays")

So ... a yr of back and forth takes place... he sleeps with other girls while telling me i need to change and we'l get back together.... I needed to change what???? i mean i guess i should be okay with finding out chase was fucking every girl in town behind my back... and not be so damn jealous...?? rigggggggggggghhhtt! ... yeah we were broken up but the kind of broken up where your on "the break'- those of you not familiar with the break.... well thats the time when you arent together cause a guy like "chase" wants to chase other girls, while you sit at home and wait on his ass. Which is exactly what i did. we still hung out. we still were sleeping together.. we still were talking and telling eachother every time one of us took a piss or even took a damn breath. people would assume (until they saw chase "chasing " in the club) that we were still together... and this went on for a very long time... and thats where i'll leave off.... the beginning and middle of "chase"... the end will follow in a later blog. typically as a mean text from him or something comes in and i need to vent =)

and ps...

this was my mother's idea. She apparently has become far too nervous that i may never get married ... and thinks i must find something to channel all this single free time into. I think she is also very aware that someone may consider my humor and expressions.. either funny... smart.. or damn near annoying.. but maybe somehow i will find "me" out of this...or an expensive advertiser to support my single ass.

i say, it took carrie bradshaw till 40 to find a cheater and i found quite a few at 26... im good. thanks mom.
anway this is how this all started,... so here i am. in the raw.

and just for the record... names will be changed to protect the guilty and character-less. ( not trying to dog all you people of mine out there.. not to your face) my best friend Ashleigh stays the same;. i'l let her be her.

as for me... im 26. im single. and im desperatly seeking to find out what the hell is going on .... with life.

true life episode....

I'm gonna start my blogging in the present... my current status of life.... this bitch just cant get a break...

if something bad is gonna happen (and i mean bad..lightly) .. it'l happen to me. I like to think of it as my little black cloud.. occassionaly becoming my little black tornado...that follows me everywhere. I used to think that someone had it in for me "up stairs.." ... or that maybe i had been some horrible cheater of a wife in my past life... all of which could be possibilities but for now im content just admitting good 'ol..old fashioned bad luck.

for example.. i love camaras. i love pictures. especially pictures that showcase my friends and i being wild ... so i saved up money last summer and bought one.. 2 weeks later.. it was stolen... at the club! and in my wildest of drunken rages... i cried andstomped my feet and proudly almost got kicked out of that club... so i vowed to be camara-less... and never buy one again... until now.. a mth ago. i bought a cute like purple nikon.. used specifically to document my good times.. and what happens in the midst of the 4th of july festivities last friday... ( yeah food fun and fireworks my ass)... my friend drops it! and blah! ITS BROKE! FOR GOOD!
is it a curse? the camara curse???

either way... im again... camara-less...

i went and saw sex in the city for the 2nd time this weekend. I for one must enjoy the painful being left at the alter scene far too much... i think im secretly planning what my reaction will be when i probably have the same thing happen to me one day ( are you following..??? the bad luck thing remember) yeah... that whole scene... thats me... wanting to kill myself and hitting the asshole groom ( whom by the way should have never gotten the chance to be with carrie.. ( or me either for that matter) ... while my girl friends hold me back from my rage and anger and loss of will to live. My bestfriends and i laugh..cause that is totally us... only in a lesser sense... for one- i was never getting married... (haha or probably ever) and for two- our scenes are usually enduced with alcohol and way too much drunken emotion...

so thats where i leave off today ... and in the meantime... my true life episode: this bitch cant get a break is to be continued