One last night with your ex.... hmmmmmm.... tricky subject. Bad bad bad idea. But sometimes its better to recycle then to create a new "thing' . ( its all about the environment here.. doing good for mankind)
So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.
So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.
It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.
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