Do we trick ourselves into being hopeful about words that don’t exist
I was driving tonight and thinking about the current happenings of my life and this past year. How things have affected my well being, my everyday dealings, my thoughts, my hopes, my heart…. The people that love you, the people that lose you, the people who crush you, and the people who just don’t give a rats ass about you… So I started thinking to myself about the people who have done me wrong. My friends always say … ‘karma is a bitch”… and stuff about fate and how much better off I will end up in the future. But do words like Karma and Fate really exist? Or are they just words we make ourselves believe in when someone stabs us in the back?
Take fate for example: (something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune) Are their paths we choose in life that alter our fate? Couples who are madly in love often believe that, that “fate” lead them to each other and without Fate nothing would have allowed them to meet and fall in love… Ironically, Couples who break up often believe in fate as well. That fate separated them because they weren’t “meant” for each other. Kinda like the soul mate belief too though. That “he’s my soul mate” crap. Like there is really one person in the whole world for another… let me just tell you- if that’s the case .. I had better start searching high and low now, because I’m 26, and I ain’t getting any younger. Time is precious at this point. (no doubt if that were the case id find the “meant for me” at around about 100 yrs old.. and croak the following day)
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. Or more commonly known as “what goes around comes around’. Sure we have all said it, thought it, even thought twice about doing something less than good to someone else in fear of it (Well most of us… who have a conscience) But isn’t there someone who will just point it out… Karma who? How do we even know there is Karma. ??? Sure your boyfriend left you for someone else… Sure you’d like to think “ohhhhhh that karma!!!... What goes around comes around!!!” In all reality… It may not come around! They may go through life happy as clams! She may even be “the one”. He may never treat her as shitty as he treated you. He may treat her like Gold…But that’s okay. Isn’t there a slight possibility that maybe you just weren’t the gold at the end of HIS rainbow?
I have come to realize this in the last few days: That I may always feel “life is unfair”, and that I got the “shitty end of the stick.” Truth be told, I really did. But believing fate or karma will make me feel better because someone will learn there lesson or maybe even feel bad for doing me wrong is silly. We believe in things like fate and karma because it gives us hope for a better scenario. Here’s the thing: Sometimes people just don’t care about your feelings. Sometimes Karma doesn’t happen. Nothing comes around. Nothing goes around. Fate doesn’t happen either, unless you consider it fate that they found each other ( make me gag). Some people just do what they want to and it doesn’t matter who may hurt or lose in the plan of them winning. That’s okay. Those are the people you leave behind. You look the other way, and keep on believing in the gold that is at the end of your rainbow.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
sad or mad
S0o today i started the moment of bitter-ness. That's when you have been sad and inlove with someone for so long , that when they text you, you all the sudden have a feeling of rage. This last week i have been trying to "play it cool" when Chase called, and not be mad about the situation. I have failed miserably every time. Every day we have talked or texted, and knowing that he was unhappy with the new girl situation kinda made me hold on a little. Like I have no clue about the actual situation- that he is lying next to someone all nightlong, and spending his every waking second with her.... But then today, it was like.. don't text me - i care too much. Call her. text her. ( PS: im sure he is doing all of those things already)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
someone is eventually gonna have to go #2
You know how some people can just breakup with one person and immediately they are a-okay and ready for the next new guy or gal to come their way... aS if it was no big deal that they just got their heart trampled on!?! I know people like this. Its like one day they are breaking up with someone and upset and 24 hours later ( or so it seems) they are over it, and often falling for someone else.
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
to finally cry
shes here. "Chase's" girl... shes here.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??
Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.
i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??
Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.
i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.
Friday, August 1, 2008
TRUE Story
TRue StoRY...
Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.
Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.
Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.
About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...
Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.
As always my bestfriend to the rescue.
I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!
My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)
2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.
The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.
Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.
Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.
Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.
About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...
Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.
As always my bestfriend to the rescue.
I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!
My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)
2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.
The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.
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