True Life : This bitch cant get a break

isn't it ironic... dontcha think.

2012-02-02T18:31:00.001-08:00

that song was written about my life-#convinced.

some of God's greatest gifts.....

2012-01-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

“Sometimes I thank god…. For unanswered prayers…. Remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs. And just because he may not answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care… some of gods greatest gifts- are unanswered prayers….”- Garth Brooks

I began thinking of this tonight, when an old flames mother called to alert me of the recent happenings in her son’s life. – It was true… he was just as lost as he was 10 years prior. All the world had changed, half of “us” had grown up… ME. I shouldn’t be surprised. After all the psychic did tell my best friend, that he had altered fate by not being able to grow up- yet still it baffles me that anyone can be so delusional. We like to call it the “peter pan syndrome”.

(We as in, me and my best friend.)

It is unfortunate I know several “peter’s”- her and I dated two of the most notorious peter pans I’ve ever met- and rightfully so- at 32 and 33, they are roommates living this college dorm life. Now let’s give a little credit to one.. her ex at least has his shit together financially… but completely whack when it comes to relations- he prefers “relation-shits” far more than he does a genuine relationship and from what I have heard- his family is desperate for him to settle down and act his age- but he refuses to get “wifed up”. His pattern is the same.. Year after year… boy meets girl, boy falls in love.. Girl falls in love.. Girl wants more, growth, marriage… girl gets dumped. I’d say it was sad, but then I realize EVERY single girl went through the same thing, the only thing it is sad for is him….. the girls should all join together and have a BIG PARTY to celebrate their winnings!!- they didn’t get stuck with a non-committal, relationship whore, cheater ! ( this deserves at least a high five). On the flip side, and for the record- I like this guy- he’s fun and nice and all that jazz… but the peter pan syndrome is specific to nice guys I feel like… in fact they are so nice and charismatic- it would be hard to not like them at all.. I actually shuttered and almost deleted this paragraph I like her ex so much, - the fact that he may hate me for calling him a douche bag –who now has to seek botox in order to date the 22 year olds he will now have to date bc the older bitches think he’s a douche bag – well… that’s just reason enough to consider not typing any more tonight…

However- one must not filter when in the mood to express =) so.. more I go….

Anyway… the peter pan syndrome…. Ahhhh… yes…. so my ex – whom at one time (several times) I thought I may never get over – has yet again proved to be just as childish as ever- with his delusional dreams of grander and crazy plans that he never follows through on- I simply cannot fathom what in the hell is wrong with this guy- there is no concept of reality. Let me put it this way – if you have been in need of a new car for a long time, and unable to afford it- and then you think your first time back on the road is with a BMW- you might be a PETER…(and delusional.) If you tell the world you have changed, or that you really care about someone, yet you screw them over, or allow them to hurt over you- you might be PETER… if your 33 and unable to hold a steady relationship of any kind that actually means something with anyone of any sort of real life experience… you might be a PETER.

The peter pans of the world, are guys who are over 30- and refuse to act their age. In their mind they fist pump with jersey shores finest, worried about t-shirt time far more than saving money to buy a home or having anything to show for themselves. High Class Possessions, like a car, are far more important than finding love and a partner, starting a family, or growing their career. They judge happiness off the finer things, and in the end, neither of these guys know who they are – they both are lost. (one way more than the other..way more!!!)

I believe true happiness is when you stop caring what others think, you love you for the true person you are inside, and you are content with knowing that what God gave you – is enough. When you love that you- you find someone who loves that you too… and you’re not looking for the next best thing

I know both these guys have had opportunities several times- they have both found girls who saw through the vain exterior… and found the real them.. and ya know what… LOVED ANYWAY, that’s a true statement because I was one of them. I can remember being on the other side though which I have written about and shared before… not understanding the game of love and all its twists and turns. The why’s and why not’s, the “you will regret this” and that… and most importantly the trials of heartbreak and realizing, you know.,… maybe they just won’t grow up….. for any woman, this is a tough one, bc we can all admit we believe we can be the one to change this. We cant….WE couldn’t… and at this point after stories from his mother, I’m not sure anyone can. He has joked he is the real life George Clooney of his time… and ya know what.. I FINALLY BELIEVE THAT.

I look back at all the prayers I have had in the last ( too many ) few years,,, and I can honestly say , my unanswered prayers were my biggest gift. I grew up, I made a life for myself, and I’m happier than I ever thought I could be. I never thought I would be so thankful for an unanswered prayer, but to sit here tonight and know this person who I thought at one time, hung the moon, may never even step foot on the roof of a building…. Well…let’s be honest- Hanging the moon, is just a long shot… and I’m not one for fairytales.

soul mates

2012-01-09T13:01:00.001-08:00

I opened up my email this morning and there was my daily dose of a friends blog I subscribe to.- now a lot of times I ignore it till I have time to sit down and read but for some reason based off our last chat I was dying to know what had happened in her life since... and knowing her- I knew it would be there in black and white.
but this time she instead reflected on the conversation we had a few days earlier... it's possible it is not the conversation we had but whom ever else it could be must have had the same talk.... anyway when reflecting on relationships, and fate, and soul mates I realize we all want the same thing. that earth shattering love- that undeniable, I can't breathe... love and very few live a life with it consistently.

my best friend saw a psychic a few weeks ago who told her my soul mate was - of course- the one person I had hoped it would not be. I have already met him... and he had altered fate by being too childish and unready to grow up. well this just confirmed what I knew along. does it make me feel good or justified that someone else agrees? no....! instead I feel a sense of "what ifs" "why nots" and "how come".

my friends blog refers to it like a "lottery ticket."when u stumble upon your soul mate...this lottery ticket is like, she says " once in a lifetime". so if your once and a lifetime has passed- then what!? ... the psychic told the best friend that most people don't spend their life with their soul mate bc of chance and fate alterations... but once you have felt that feeling, that feeling never goes away despite how life alters your own path.

my advice to those who may have felt or do feel that way...and by chance this chapter may close. if you feel that person simply takes your breath away, and your positive of this connection - you may have found your soul mate. life may change both your paths but the odds are high that if you say how you feel when you feel it, that moment will never pass you by.

yep. that bitch was crazy.

2012-01-05T17:29:00.001-08:00

just an update. we're dealing with a real clinger here... I'm talking fake Facebook profiles stalking me and my friends. - this is the ONE time I actually believe.

so maybe the bitch is crazy

2011-12-17T22:56:00.001-08:00

maybe she is THis time...
guys always say that though: " she's crazy! she's obsessed with me! she's mad I don't want her" " shes psycho' she's stalking me"...
well..,,was she stalking u the night u invited her in for a casual romp in ur man made platform bed?
...just wondering.
never the less ... a girl that keeps contacting me and now having her friends request me on Facebook only to blow my page up ( and inbox) w the same stuff I've already been told- just might really be crazy. clearly head over heels for the guy I have left waiting in the wings for me for a year. it's crazy bc these girls keep contacting me SURE that I am sleeping w my ex and having no respect for myself- they are dying to know why I don't care about the claims they have made...., well news flash crazies- I'm lot sleeping w him!!!!!!! I don't have to! he has wanted me back since last year... I merely have to breathe and I'm good in his book. I accept gifts and all his hardwork around my house but I am by no means a booty call for a guy who clearly must earn me back..,, um isn't that what this crazy girl is for???

a 29 year old man - sex obsessed - had to sleep w someone so I expect him to unless we are together. we are not together at this point, and he's getting no nookie from me so naturally he needs to fulfill that need elsewhere. I don't see this as an issue- the only issue I'm having is I do not deserve the drama - I have never given him anything of the sort. I'd gladly ask though that If this cat plans to pine for me continuously could he please not sleep w/ psycho paths bc this is getting real old... how about we ring in the new year w a nice girl? or better yet take a good look in the mirror buddy- sex w these crazies has gotten u no where... maybe u should consider a few months of celibacy and keep ur pants on. something tells me it would be a lot less stress - for all panty wearers involved.

I got had.

2011-12-17T06:31:00.001-08:00

Apparently I'm not as smart as I thought I was... Nancy drew had officially been had!

My ex whom has begged me back religiously the last 12 months has finally made way and gotten me to open up and reconsider what we had and our life together... The last month has been good.. Reminiscing, playing a crooked version of house ( where's he doesn't live here) and I even took him out for his birthday.

I often say that out of all the guys I've ever dated he REALLY loves me and maybe I should give this a second chance. You might even hear me say" he got cold feet when he was supposed to propose but he's not a bad guy" ... Truth be told, that's what I believed. I mean after all he does WHATEVER I ask- takes me dog out when I travel for work, builds a shelf for me on a Sunday all bc I randomly decided I need one... Even helped my dad redo my closets last night while he was in town... Enough to earn him a free dinner at outback too ! ( that's when it gets messy.. Don't involve the parents)

So after dinner and DAteline w my dad, a bliss filled Friday night in my opinion, the inbox on Facebook blows up and there it is - yet another heartbroken, semi psycho girl pleading her case about how she and the lier are dating- how she just stayed at his house last night, and then documents his outfit. She goes to great lengths to prove her point making sure she gives me every detail she possibly can just invade I doubt her... Which in my professional people judging opinion is kinda pathetic but whatever. I get it- she's hurt. She wants to make sure I'm hurt. And more importantly he's hurt and without us both. ( women do this! They pull out all the stops to make sure neither of you go back to the cheater)

Well.. I've been had. I can admit it. Again the lier has left me shocked. So in love with me, so needing of me, and still so sure I'm His "one" yet so capable of leading a separate life... I think I shock myself that I am so oblivious to this. No matter how you slice the pie though, the pie has been sliced and no good detective can take back good info they've learned and pretend they didn't hear it! The liers little cat is out of the bag and crawling around... And now it's up to me and my detective like skills to throw in the towel, and when it comes to this clown- retire from detective work.

Under the knife

2011-12-15T00:26:00.001-08:00

3am... Wide awake!
I got my boobs done again today.. Now 11 years ago this thing had me asleep and in pain 2 days- this round, im strait chillen and awake at 3am!

Come on sleeping pill kick in!

So my first thought when i came to was...." they are not that big"
Actually though my size should have gone up slightly they are not any bigger at all- bummer number 1. The second bummer is the fact that ive been hungry and eating- i had such high hopes of starvation and sleep for two days!!!

They give u a pain pump now- this thing is nothing short of a miracle worker cause to be honest ive had little pain at all!

So how long am i going to skip the gym... Ummmm . Im plotting going sunday and atleast sitting on the bike.. I know i should wait but fat is not a cute look for me!

I just hope for a speedy recovery. Their are gym class goers missing me and i miss them! Ready to teach, burn calories and yes... Show off these badboys!..( that really look no different)

So just subscribe.

2011-11-17T08:23:00.001-08:00

Probably my best blog of 2011 is leopards dont change their spots... If your ever bored though read my older stuff, - eventually someone is going to have to go number 2 is also one i like.

I have another page called " wtf just happened" dedicated to a short time and a very strange relationship- those are laugh worthy!

Enjoy!

Ps ignore the recent worsened negative tude. Im 29. A lil heartbroke and nervous over my lack of control. Ive got my health ... My botox.. My body is rockin rt now.. And at 29 im hotter than i was at 25. Hello thursday. Im awesome again!

on second thought....

2011-11-16T18:49:00.001-08:00

desperately seeking.... anything.

2011-11-16T18:09:00.001-08:00

im feeling a little sorry for myself this week, and a little lonely- obviously this is why i suddenly am writing again....and with no facebook im clearly bored.... so forgive me in advance for the negative vibes. i certainly dont mean to be. things just dont make sense. the older and wiser i become the more rediculous i feel about emotions and where i am in my life.
i find that i do wake up and wonder everyday when is my turn.
when will i find my purpose?

i often feel i am searching daily. for something. anything. nothing means anything - and i feel empty more often than not - living day to day trying to build a life on nothing-ness. I have all the makings of "great" and there is missing pieces.
i am happiest when i am teaching. when i am motivating people in my spin classes or my body pump classes... when after i teach kickboxing people come up to me and are in "awwwwwe" of how many calories they just burned. i fascinate myself. its REALLY the only thing i do well and am proud of. everything else is secondary. and although i know i am a good leader.. its more so because i have been told that. The teaching stuff on the other hand i kinda fell into and just came so natural to me that i found out by doing it how good i actually was. and without sounding cocky- it is truly the ONLY thing i am confident about.

if you met me you might think i was confident about everything. I DO FRONT that way. its quite a front i put on. i could win an oscar for the act i portray!!! confident, cocky, funny, and very succesful - quite frankly a young girl on her way. if you knew the real me though you'd know.. theres a little girl in here -that doesnt think she will ever be pretty enough, thin enough or good enough . she will never win. although she strives to win. AT EVERYTHING. and when she doesnt win, it breaks her down further. the negetive comes from the constant trying to win, and not winning.

but even at the teaching... i naturally have good rhythm, the beat of the music, the 8 counts, the fitness moves all come NATURAL to me... i make up no routine, i teach off the cuff.. much as i like to do in my every day life. i am better off the cuff in all aspects. i speak better that way, i plan better that way, and i write better that way. i find when i over prepare for things -sorta like if i were to over prepare and make up routines for my classes- i would over think it, and likely stress myself out worse- and its clear i already put the pressure on in all instances- so that could be tragic! i sometimes think maybe my purpose is fitness and teaching... but not all aspects of that industry i like - i just like the physical being in front of the class and actually teaching for that 60 minutes - the rest of that crap - the certifications and online videos and stuff- ugh... no thank you.

i dont know what i am looking for... or who.
i hope i find it though - otherwise it is going to be a very long, life of bloggs and self help books for reading - and lots of fitness classes..i will be skinnny though=) that you can bet.

Holiday savings.

2011-11-16T06:39:00.001-08:00

Full on admittance... The absolute number one thing that makes being single in the holiday season awesome is... Saving money!!!!!! I look back on years past and im totally 200-500 dollars richer this year!

There is also nothing worse than heartbreak. So maybe that is your price. Your holiday fee. Rather than gifts- you save the cash and spend on your heart. That cost is often far more expensive bc we all know we would spend any amount of money, walk to the ends of the earth to not feel heartbreak-there is nothing so painful and so miserable than wanting the gift of love, having it, losing it, and not knowing why.

So since i am saving in dollars and cents this year im going to start by making a resolution to save up for good sense in 2012. May 2012 bring me a prosperous holiday season... Filled with lots of gifts!

missing facebook...

2011-11-15T12:04:00.001-08:00

so i deactivated my facebook account last week on impulse... and now its killing me. that's how you know your addicted to something. when you literally are begging it back. ( much like most of my addictions) i was having one of those days. well i have been having a weird month or 2 actually. i dyed my hair from blonde again back to dark- again on impulse... so impulsive, that if my hair girl didn't get me in... i was going to box color it.. and we all know how traumatic that can be for ones strands.... the nerve of me! and then i turned to facebook... when in doubt.. and no control over your current scenario... face book is always a good start,..... and it makes you look ....'oh-so-mature".... so ... in the most maturest of fashions, i started by deleting those whom i felt may be a) toxic to my life or b) pointless in my life. well when that didn't solve my feelings of whatever it was i feeling.. i took a leap of faith on my own personal little voice box inside my head...and it says to me daily :
" your amazing. (well this is how it starts)... you sit on facebook to much. you are sort of obsessed with sharing your thoughts, and guess what... no one gives a fuck! no one cares your miserable today. so cut it... and BY THE WAY self!!!!!!- looking at things you likely shouldn't see on facebook anyway is damaging to your heart and your arguably crazy head. you my friend are your worst enemy.. and ps... on a side note... your a little wild on this personal facebook. take it off for awhile . your job will thank you".

now i never planned to keep it off forever. merely a few weeks. take some time to focus on work... and maybe even "me" a little. bettering myself. plus it couldnt hurt to try something new and really... its only facebook! but i have to be honest.....IM BORED. and ... every picture i have ever uploaded and tagged a friend in - is gone! we all found that out the hardway - when my roommate realized we no longer have any pics!!!! I'm the one who loads all the albums and basically EVERY thing we have done the last year is gone!

i know what your thinking- who cares... and rightfully so... but .... i have found that SEVERAL texts have come in asking me to be back on facebook.. and despite my thinking that "no one cares" some people find my miserable humor, comical, and enlightening day to day and they are now a little bored without my "shenanigans. (so i am told) which brings me to my blog. i no longer care that someone i know may read this and find out what im really thinking. i no longer will filter what i feel - bc people don't want to hear it. again as i said in the last one.. as it is 'my facebook" its my blog . i say what i want. no judging. just reading.
\
i find this - writing in general to be an outlet for me. i hate talking on the phone. ask my friends - i hate it. i would text or email all day... this is why i like facebook.. i can express thru humor or rage in a status exactly how my entire day is- in 2 sentences.. and people i haven't talked to in 2 years have just been updated on my life. its genius if you ask me. im beginning to see that what i miss about facebook- and i have only been deactivated for 1 WEEK... (lol).... IS THE EXPRESSION. the chance to write.. to make people laugh daily. whether i am sad, heartbroken, happy, or utterly angry to the point of no return, i find when i write it, i feel better about it, and my friends can relate... (sometimes.. i mean, not everyone can relate.. my antics are top notch)... so blog away i say... as long as i can think of something to bitch about or blab about I'm on my way... enjoy!

nope.... nothing new. still confused.

2011-11-14T09:50:00.001-08:00

Love is a funny thing. One day you’re in it – one day you’re not in it. One day you’re in it… one day the object of your affections is not in it and leaves you, left in it… chasing to get them back in it.. it’s like a tug of war. It’s a wonder when you hear of couples who have been married for 50 years- that they ever made it.

in this day and age- the falling in and out of love, the hearts that break, around me,,, how does anyone make it more than 6 MThs? Much less two years.. or 10?

I thought –as we have seen in the last year- that I would be getting married. And now that I have had a taste of the single life I am not sure I want that either – contrary to popular belief- when I say that – a taste of the single life”… its not what you think…I am NOT out there dating and sowing some sort of wild oat at 29 I missed at 21. Trust me. I sowed them over the years! If anything I am less into dating now than I ever was. I actually repel dating. ( boy! I sound awesome don’t i… ??? Totally, the kind of “gal” ya just can’t wait to meet at the bar!) But it’s all truth. Truth be told. Dating is annoying. I have absolutely no desire to do it. I find Dateline to be more enticing on a Friday night than a date, if that tells you anything. I am simply OVER THE fall in love , get your heart broken time and time again crap that happens every time and done taking chances on it. I took a chance this last few times … well really I took a chance my entire life, and I don’t feel it benefited me in the end, at all. I was left the one hurting- and in the end, I now am left finally sticking up and saying FUCK THAT. its not fair.

Lifes not fair –true- .again

I really don’t know any more what I want. I have a fear of being single forever… I want children. So this is scary. And sure… the celebrities are adopting left and right.. but I do love the idea of a family. Its cliché to say normal… but I’m saying it anyway- this is MY BLOG. I SAY WHAT I WANT. I want a normal family. Its SLIGHTLY an issue though when you refuse to date .. to meet someone … how the hell am I ever going to meet someone , ever going to marry and have the white picket fence, or beaver cleaver lifestyle I so desperately want ? How will I ever be a desperate housewife on wisteria lane with this hateful I hate dating attitude if I’m not willing to alter my thoughts about dating in general???? I’m stumped too.. trust me I think about this pretty much very day. I should likely stop obsessing about what I obsess about for starters…..

leopards dont change their spots.

2011-06-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

so, in the reality i call my life, i got reminded yesterday why i started writing these blogs in the first place.... in " my real world" my dating life is so screwed up its entirely too entertaining to not share with the rest of the hopeless romantics - or if your like me- skeptics of the world...
no, in true heartbreak fashion the last 6-8 months of my life has been a whirl wind and exactly what i needed when it comes to writing about how "this bitch cant get a break"....
thank you life, for a second there i thought things were going so smoothly that i no longer needed to complain....

so here i am , 29 ( yes i started this at 26...), back - single... and heres how it all went down.. just a little catch you up to speed scenerio:

christmas 2010 should have been a splendid one...the most splendid of christmas's a woman can have... under a tree, should be a purse maybe, maybe something you had been wanting or an outfit, and ...A very small box... A RING. instead... there was a window tint job and that good ol purse. all of these are fine gifts- but a woman of 28 3/4 years old whom is wanting to marry her man of 2 yrs... this is a let down. (esp. whom she already shares a home, a back account and a combined phone bill).. a let down.
i saw it coming... when he bought the ring ( the ring i should have recieved) i knew in my heart there was issues that i may be settling for, but i wanted to get married. all around me people were!why not me? i wanted to plan a wedding... i was eager to start the process.... and in return i was being held off till christmas... well until.... i instead found out he was cheating on me...
yes.. my life partner, the guy i had carefully selected to marry (if he asked) was cheating.. with a crooked grin, amazon of a woman with a kid. oh and i think she is a topless dancer.
need i say more?

so january- i make him move out and my bestfriend moves in. at the time i was devastated- my WHOLE WORLD WAS SHOOK AND the changes i was enduring were unbearable. plus.. i DONT LIKE TO LOSE. i lost -i was cheated on! BUT,i had no idea, how that loss would eventually prove to be FATE. my fate and my savior from marrying the wrong man...

SO JUMP AHEAD A COUPLE OF MONTHS:
i was going to marry the wrong man, and the hurt he caused was luck.
on the flipside, he is now devastated, and i finally see what its like to have someone hurt over you.... all those times i desperately wanted to be "wanted" and have the ex realize he fucked up... and now i have it....it's staring at me every day.. in my text box, or on the phone.. and i gotta be honest- its not so awesome after all.... truth is, no mattter how they hurt you, when your in a marriage worthy scenerio- IT DOES NOT feel good to know your hurting someone.
the fact that i have moved on and realize now that i was settling , hurts me worse, just to know hes so heartbroken ....

for most of us, or atleast me and my roommate being a good hearted person has its down falls. "my weakness is: i care to much". i can honestly say i have been this way my whole life no matter what man (BOY) has decided to come in my life and break my heart... i always try to help them at their weakest moment, even after all i have been thru... i put myself aside, drop my own feelings and cheer them on. ....which is where im at CURRENT. although i am letting this one down, there is another from the past that crept back in, and again i have accepted the flaws, let my own awesome-ness be pushed aside, and swooped in to pick up the peices in the mess that they call there lives. ( and believe me its messy- every single one)

so my revelation for today is this: a leopard does not change his spots. we want to believe he will... but he wont, and a woman like me- all i have ever done is show these men i will be there... so what is there to change for????... i finally have a man that desperately wants to change for the fear he lost me for good... and suddenly i dont want the change????suddenly im not ecstatic i finally got a man to do exactly what i want... miss me ??
i wonder if they all acted this way if id want their change, want them missing me, or allow it back in...?..... im starting to believe that my thril of my chase is equally as bad as a man's, and once the thrill is gone......so am i.

Maybe it's me....

2010-03-24T06:37:00.001-07:00

I can not believe I have allowed myself to fall so behind on the update of my world... to be honest i am not sure i can even catch you up on the last yr without just skimming and skipping stuff..
so in a nut shell...
I have been here in South Florida Over a year now. The boyfriend is living with me ( yes! the same guy from the last posts- mr great!)I am still with the same company that got me here, I am working my tail off and lacking a social life in the mix of all this.
There- your up to date!

Okay lets fast forward to the present.
A) this has been quite the experience. - moving my whole life, moving in with a guy i hadnt been dating but 5 mths, and starting a career
B) I miss my family more than I ever thought i was capable of. I miss Ashleigh. I miss Amanda. I miss my girl friends
C) i pretty much have NO drama anymore and to be frank a life without any drama is refreshing and rather boring at the same time. i tend to find myself picking fights with Josh to just know that Im ALIVE!
D) I am questioning every scenerio of my world...
Did I make the right decision moving here and leaving behind my whole life and everything in it????- SURE I DID! I didnt have a life before. I had a PArty. I had a Soap Opera , i had heart ache and i had a delusional look at what i thought was life. NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE THE KIND OF DRAMA ME AND MY FRIENDS HAVE!!!!!! AND I REPEAT ( TO MY FRIENDS READING..) NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DEAL WITH THE TYPES OF PEOPLE WE SUBJECT OURSELVES TO!.... i can remeber one time when i was around 20 or 21.. my best friend Erin from Highschool had gone off to FSU. I stayed in Jax. She was really having the time of her life while i was merely dating a guy who i thought hung the moon but really , well lets say he couldnt really "hang" anything.
I can remeber after a night of crying and drama out with her when she came home to visit, and my boyfriend had surely picked a fight with me (more than likely so he could get rid of me to go cheat on me ).... and she loooked at me and told me that very phrase- "this is not normal! Normal people arent like this. Normal relationships arent like this, and Normal friends dont treat each other this way"
I had left highschool only to join the biggest clique in any Highschool around. MINE.
So am i happy i left? YES! Do I miss my DRAMA friends?-YES. am i stillllllll happy i am not a major part of their lives- YES..and more importantly THEY ARE NOT A MAJOR PART of mine. merely a chapter in my book.
Second question: IS HE THE ONE?
This one is plagueing me lately. How is it supposed to feel????
If any of my married friends or readers out there want to elaborate -feel free. I dont know how im supposed to feel so i dont know if i feel right.Soemtimes he annoys the living crap out me...other times i adore him.. again though he annoys the living crap out of me ...Is THAT normal??
We really jumped HEAD FIRST into this whole thing...and i can tell you there have been times i have been like.... "wtf"..but then most the time i am sooo happy to have had him with me through this that i could never imagine moving and so much change alone. NEVER,. thats one thing im sure of! HAd it not been for him coming- i think i may have turned the job down ( i must really love dramatic torture of the life i had) This move made us GROW UP>-----> However i have grown up much much quicker. I no longer like the same things that brought us together. the going out, the fun, the drinks... don't really excite me .... a night watching tv or redecorating my bedroom is a far better choice for actual enjoyment to me these days... Not to mention, i Will be 28 in less than 30 days,... i am not engaged...i am not married... i have no kids.
I WANT THIS. I WANT THE PICKET FENCE. I WANT 2.5 KIDS, AND I WANT TO LIVE NEAR MY PARENTS IN THREE YRS WITH ALL THESE THINGS...
I just don't see him ready to think about major future stuff... I literally don't think he is ready to be a man yet. However he wants to be with me in his "manhood" he just isn't ready to think about a future and what could should would happen in the next 5 yrs... ( the five yr plan)
The problem is i have so much anxiety over this plan and speeding it up- it makes our differences even more apparent!
which causes tension in my mind.
So that brings me to - MAYBE IT'S ME...
MAYBE IT'S ME THATS NEVER SATISFIED.
maybe i am the problem. here i have a great career- which i also want more right now-
a good guy who is learning ( slowly but surely ) how to be a man , a provider, a possible husband match.... and yet its still not a fairy tale...
how can this be?

could it be?.. Bitch got the big break...

2009-06-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

its been ahwile since my last post. i have had so much change- i dont think I have even been able to grasp a piece of normalicy in the last 6 mths.
my entire life changed in what feels like a blink of an eye...

so lets start from the beginning.. my last post I THINK was me exploring the new me, the sense of peace i had recently found from realizing that i am who i am and im so happy with that. I think i even mentioned having a new love interest...

well.. are you sitting down ( ofcourse you are..)
the new love interest turned into something amazing... in the midst oif having fun adn not caring whether it worked or didnt... it worked. I havent come up with a ctachy name yet but those of you who know me personally..know who he is. we began dating, going out way to much and just having a care free goodtime... days turned to nights, months turned to holidays, meeting families and spending more and more of ourselves into the world of the other...
i fwell in love.. ( it really happened..) and whats more important... he fell in love. for the first time i have someone who is my equal. loves me just as much as i do him. i dont spend any time wondering about that...
its refreshing ladies.

soo... with that... i got this random job offer. when i say random..like out of the blue. got a phone call from a friend... "my mom is hiring a marketing coordinator, are you interested"
what??? a marketing coordinator ..??? and away from my hometown???
"no thanks, im not interested"- not to mention HELLO!!!!!!!!!! I WAS IN THE BEGINNING OF LOVE...
hell no im not leaving now- right when i found a guy who's fun and likes me awhoolllllleeeeee lot??

yeah right.
this would be my luck though right???

a few days went by.. i mentioned it to my bestfriend . my parents and him... and oddly he blurts out that he would go too. - if i moved that is,.,

whoooooaaa.... wait a sec????? you would?????
who would do that- i mean seriously... just move for the 4 mth relationship they just got serious about???

sooo... i called the friend back. i sent my resume.I WAS SURE i wouldnt get hired. i was under qualified and quite honestly not seriously thinking i would ever leave my town. i think i sent it to just test the waters of oohh i tried, didnt work out but cant say i didnt try. then i wouldnt have to to feel like had wasted an opportunity for a guy- i tricked myself. more importantly i thought maybe this dudes mom might know someone who knows someone.. who might offer me a less important job .. in my home town. ( all about who you know...)

she called. she phone interviewed me. we chatted like old friends. we laughed. i was apparently vivacious in every way... fun.. and a breath of fresh air for their corporate world..( i found out later...the big boss was listening in)
a day later.. i got a call. "we would like you to come down for a second interview"
i hung up the phone sat in my bedroom on the floor, heart beating fast... i called ashleigh and started to cry. fate was staring me in the face.. and i wasnt sure if i liked it... i called my guy.. and told him. he and i were going to go down for this interview in a few days. Luckily for me , he didnt have a whole lot going on at the time.. not much to really grasp, other than me, so leaving was not a big deal.
deep down, i knew i didnt want to get too excited/sad... and then feel dumb if people found out and i didnt get it... BUT... i knew... IM THAT GIRL.THE KIND THAT NATURALLY DOES WELL IN FRONT OF PEOPLE... i knew, if i went down for this interview i could bet a 80% chance, i would get the job...

FEAR, SETS IN..

SO WE GO DOWN... i interview , it went well, i knew they liked me. i knew they liked my spunky attitude and energy. i knew it. i could feel it.
they told me id know by the end of the week. it was a tuesday. by the time i got home wednesday- i got the call... i had gotten the job, i had 2 weeks to pack up, find a place to live and start my new career

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... to be continued.....

happiness comes from within

2008-11-12T18:42:00.001-08:00

I think their comes a time in every persons life when they wake up realizing things are exactly how they should to be . Maybe things didnt work out as you planned, or hoped, but maybe they worked out better. I have a reached a point where i am so proud of who i have become.
This took me what feels like an eternity to get here. From broken relationships, put downs, let downs, and things just not working out as "'planned" - I have been confused for so long. Chase made me hate "me" for awhile. I felt crazy, and not worth anything. (A major set back for the girl who once thought nothing could stop her from achieving her goals.) I spent two yrs fighting to get back to where I was before that relationship, loving someone who put me down because i no longer felt worthy of being loved by anyone who truly was better. I Have let people (men) walk all over me, and treat me like a doormat while remaining loyal to their hopes, their desires, and their goals. In all reality I never lost sight of what I KNOW about myself... MY strong personality, the intensity and will to succeed and win at everything, the desire to reach far and above the rest, yet I still managed to push it behind me, settling for lost loves, crappy career choices and no sense of self.
I sit here tonight. And although i have been so happy about my new relationship standings and the direction its going, I no longer will sit back and wait on a man to make me happy. I make me happy. This feeling has seriously empowered me for about an hour. I am me, and i am great with that. I am one of the strongest people i know, and one of the most loyal, and although that has gotten me in trouble in the past, I know that finding a woman like me would be amazing for any guy looking for a good girl.
I refuse to settle for a man who is unsure of who he is. (after all , I think its clear- i have dated that one before) Im moving on with my life with or without my new guy or any guy for that matter, and it's really up to him (or them) to figure out if they are going my direction or their own. For the first time EVER I am so content saying that and taking in the possibility that someone maybe isnt ready to catch me if I fall. Its amazing to look yourself in the eye and know your life is what you make it, and no one interfering with that will ever change your happiness with yourself.

sometimes the dude just doesnt miss you

2008-10-17T04:59:00.001-07:00

Why do people always tell you that if you ignore the man and act as if you don't care after a break up - "he will miss you!"?
My therapist told me this 2 weeks ago. In fact he was sure that if i cut off all contact with Chase for real this time, I would not only get results- him missing me- but i would also get the upper hand back and be able to move on knowing in the end I WON..( because lets be serious- that's what this is really all about) He was so sure of this that he even offered to give me my money back if in time this practice of me totally disappearing from Chase's life didn't prove to be successful.
Well Doctor... I am planning on dropping by your office today for a check. I will accept cash or credit though.
Not only does Chase not miss me,... he seems actually glad i have disappeared. Before he missed me at times of drama in our twisted saga, but now that hes had time apart from me and our addiction he seems to be glad. Not missing me one bit. (he even told me this)
truth is this... sometimes... the dude just wont miss you. sometimes, he's so over you that he wants to be with anyone but you and you moving on wont make him jealous, it'll make him relieved.
One result i can't deny is that Cutting off contact with Chase will ultimately make me get over this crazy epic drama. It just wont be because I won, or because he missed me and saw what a good girl he lost. In the long run I will move on. ( i think Dr. Matt tricked me with his first theory inorder to get this result) And although it does sting a little and piss me off that I wasnt the girl that "he lost" or that he'll always look back on with nostalgia and a smile, I am the girl that he lost ...For good. That's a Sigh of relief...... for both parties.

words we confuse with real life

2008-08-24T17:10:00.001-07:00

Do we trick ourselves into being hopeful about words that don’t exist

I was driving tonight and thinking about the current happenings of my life and this past year. How things have affected my well being, my everyday dealings, my thoughts, my hopes, my heart…. The people that love you, the people that lose you, the people who crush you, and the people who just don’t give a rats ass about you… So I started thinking to myself about the people who have done me wrong. My friends always say … ‘karma is a bitch”… and stuff about fate and how much better off I will end up in the future. But do words like Karma and Fate really exist? Or are they just words we make ourselves believe in when someone stabs us in the back?
Take fate for example: (something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune) Are their paths we choose in life that alter our fate? Couples who are madly in love often believe that, that “fate” lead them to each other and without Fate nothing would have allowed them to meet and fall in love… Ironically, Couples who break up often believe in fate as well. That fate separated them because they weren’t “meant” for each other. Kinda like the soul mate belief too though. That “he’s my soul mate” crap. Like there is really one person in the whole world for another… let me just tell you- if that’s the case .. I had better start searching high and low now, because I’m 26, and I ain’t getting any younger. Time is precious at this point. (no doubt if that were the case id find the “meant for me” at around about 100 yrs old.. and croak the following day)
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny. Or more commonly known as “what goes around comes around’. Sure we have all said it, thought it, even thought twice about doing something less than good to someone else in fear of it (Well most of us… who have a conscience) But isn’t there someone who will just point it out… Karma who? How do we even know there is Karma. ??? Sure your boyfriend left you for someone else… Sure you’d like to think “ohhhhhh that karma!!!... What goes around comes around!!!” In all reality… It may not come around! They may go through life happy as clams! She may even be “the one”. He may never treat her as shitty as he treated you. He may treat her like Gold…But that’s okay. Isn’t there a slight possibility that maybe you just weren’t the gold at the end of HIS rainbow?
I have come to realize this in the last few days: That I may always feel “life is unfair”, and that I got the “shitty end of the stick.” Truth be told, I really did. But believing fate or karma will make me feel better because someone will learn there lesson or maybe even feel bad for doing me wrong is silly. We believe in things like fate and karma because it gives us hope for a better scenario. Here’s the thing: Sometimes people just don’t care about your feelings. Sometimes Karma doesn’t happen. Nothing comes around. Nothing goes around. Fate doesn’t happen either, unless you consider it fate that they found each other ( make me gag). Some people just do what they want to and it doesn’t matter who may hurt or lose in the plan of them winning. That’s okay. Those are the people you leave behind. You look the other way, and keep on believing in the gold that is at the end of your rainbow.

sad or mad

2008-08-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

S0o today i started the moment of bitter-ness. That's when you have been sad and inlove with someone for so long , that when they text you, you all the sudden have a feeling of rage. This last week i have been trying to "play it cool" when Chase called, and not be mad about the situation. I have failed miserably every time. Every day we have talked or texted, and knowing that he was unhappy with the new girl situation kinda made me hold on a little. Like I have no clue about the actual situation- that he is lying next to someone all nightlong, and spending his every waking second with her.... But then today, it was like.. don't text me - i care too much. Call her. text her. ( PS: im sure he is doing all of those things already)
At the same time,... i want that connection;. i want to talk to him. Its a catch 22. Talk to him, be his friend, continue to care, continue to hope, but just be there for him? Or move on with my life and save my sanity and my heartache for the long run?Because no matter what I have heard him say about moving to quickly with her or making a mistake, in the "long run" i think it will work out. Call me crazy( and people do) but i think it would be my luck that he marries this girl.
I'm stumped. I cant even make my own decision on whats best for me.Why do i chase "Chase"? Is it really Chase I'm after, or just chasing in general? I sometimes wonder if its losing him to her that i cant handle.
Then I had a thought- maybe if i could channel this into another obsession i would be feeling okay... like maybe if i was ten pounds skinnier id be ecstatic with myself and my life and i wouldn't care... ( this is a real thought I'm having) and part of me actually thinks that would be the case. I'm severely obsessed with my appearance as well.
I just think that for every heartache i have or have had... Doing nothing and waiting to see how he feels bout the possibility of losing me in his life has never seemed to work. Doing something and staying constant in his life has never worked either. So what will work? What do i even want to work? I can tell you what i do want is a job- so i can at least be WORKing. ( that might make my mind think of something else from 8-5 atleast)

someone is eventually gonna have to go #2

2008-08-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

You know how some people can just breakup with one person and immediately they are a-okay and ready for the next new guy or gal to come their way... aS if it was no big deal that they just got their heart trampled on!?! I know people like this. Its like one day they are breaking up with someone and upset and 24 hours later ( or so it seems) they are over it, and often falling for someone else.
I'm not that girl. My friend veronica tells me frequently my downfall has been that i am too loyal to the jerks who have broken my heart.... pining for them and waiting for them to come around, while hanging on to their every word and care for me, ( pretty much pathetically waiting for them to realize they made a mistake... ps.. they always do.. eventually..) I cant even make myself humor the idea of dating or playing the field because I'm so loyal to this person.
yeah , see, I'm desperately trying to figure out how to be that care free girl and i am open to suggestions. Please refrain from sending me the same ol shit that everyone says.. I am fully aware everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware there is nothing i can do about it. Unfortunately the anxiety i feel and heartache has taken over and those things you say wont even phase me. ( probably more so it will piss me off)
I am the first to admit i have been having a hard time dealing with my ex and his new girlfriend moving down here. Moving in with him no less. How the hell do u fall for someone who doesn't live even in your state and so into them that you move them down and into your house. As a couple you haven't even spent more than a week together at one time, - more importantly you haven't even taken a shit in the same house! That's a huge deal i feel like! This is actual stuff i think about. In fact id even go so far to tell them to not even worry about this stuff because I'm worried enough for the both of them.
I just don't get it. I would be freaked about that. I mean for all they know, one of them has an annoying trait that the other wont be able to stand...and then they have moved their whole life to find out what a huge mistake it is! this is very likely it COULD happen... then there is what really gets me... keeping me holding on. The FEAR that it could actually be great. So great that he forgets loving me. So great that he forgets all about the good things i have to offer and the love i have for him and the heartache I'm feeling. this fear could be the death of me. (JK) But this fear is currently consuming my mind, my body and my usually fun loving spirit.
This is where the advice comes in. How do some people just pick up and move on and willingly date other people? How do people even meet people that even catch there interest when there heart/mind/body/anxiety is still on someone else? I wanna move on. I wanna be happy too, but i don't know how to get my mind off the fear that they may work out.- or the fear that one of them may have to go # 2 any day now...

to finally cry

2008-08-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

shes here. "Chase's" girl... shes here.
We spent some time together and have been talking leading up to this. events that i thought would have never happened.. but they did. My friends are telling me i should be so happy BC it appears i won. He and i officially ended on great terms.
He text me last night telling me how upset he is. I tried to be strong for him but who was i kidding? The anxiety i felt today was uncontrollable. Would he call me? What was going on with them? Had he woken up today and decided this was good for him and she is what he wants...? it killed me.
but he finally called. I felt that small bit of relief. ( till the next time) like a drug. i got my fix.
our conversation lead to me hurting worse, cause even tho he said he is upset and unhappy, he is still in his situation. she is here. she isn't leaving. how in the hell could you be that unhappy and not do anything about it??

Ive been waiting to cry. after all i had prepared myself for this. a month ago i wouldn't have been this distraught. But after spending time together and having those same feelings back so strong.. I'm devastated. i think i waited to cry cause i knew that once i actually cried id be coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing i can do to change it. Nothing i can do to make her go away and him come back. ....
i just cried. sobbed actually.

i wanna let go. i do. i just don't know how people ever let go and look the other way when the person they love is with someone else. I gave this one a fight tho and still lost. and now i do have to pick up the pieces of me and move on. i just don't know how to fit them back together.

TRUE Story

2008-08-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

TRue StoRY...

Today's blog would translate into the"who does this really happen to "outside of relationships blog .... yep. It is apparent after today, its not just relationships i cant seem to get a break on, its Life in general. My career, my appearance... You just name it... Some girls have all the luck... and then there's me. The girl with NO LUCK.

Lets see.Where did i leave off? Well i can assure you this "Chase" thing and the rekindling of the friendship of our past romance has opened up a whole new can of worms but that's another story for another day- many other days. Because i assure you I will be feeling that one for awhile.

Today was the start of a new job for me.I left my old job 2 weeks ago for this company and have been eager to get started ever since but due to pay periods, I had to wait the 2 weeks to enter on the right pay cycle. SO today I woke up ready to begin what i thought could be a lucrative new position and career move. I Planned my outfit and Knew that if there is one thing i can tackle, it will be to impress my new co-workers with my appearance! But then i look in the mirror... and there it was.... like a picture from the pages of national Geographic... a cyst like structure rt above my left eye. MORTIFYING! I got close to the mirror trying to examine this "thing"... I pushed, i prodded, and felt the knot under my skin growing to the size of what seemed to be an Easter egg.. (ok..slight exaggeration)... I could sense this wasn't going away when i pinch myself praying it was a NIGHTMARE. I cry a little. I ask myself "who does this happen to on their first day at a new job"? When impressions are everything, boy! I was bound to make an impression. All kinds of lies were running thru my head that i could tell people to save me the embarrassment of "whoa, wtf is that". I planned to tell people i dropped a weight on my head at the gym, or maybe that a tennis ball hit me. ( i don't even play tennis) But then the good 'ol fashioned truth set me free.... I told my new boss the truth. I have a bad eye infection ( sorta) and if its okay can i keep my sunglasses on. He understood, and felt bad for me. Things were going better.

About an hour into the morning, he tells me, there are some speeding tickets on my record, and to go home, that he'd call me later. ...

Ok... go home? Go home like, go rest my eye??? or go home like i didn't get the job.
I leave shocked. Upset. i had turned down two other jobs awaiting this one and now suddenly there is an issue? I cry. I bawl. I forgot to mention my work pants were real tight this morning. I also gained weight. So now I'm crying because I have a cyst, because i just got told to go home and that he'd call me, and because I'm fat.

As always my bestfriend to the rescue.

I sat in her house, i cried... I stopped crying... i cried again. She has errands to run.. "Can i come"? ( lol...pathetic) But at this point I'm just hoping her errands will occupy my time until this guy calls me and tells me there is a mess up and see you Monday!

My best friend takes me along for the ride. I cried some more. I couldn't freaken stop. Along the way she takes me to the Dr. to get my cyst checked out. The doctor tells me i have a bacterial infection......(wow... ya think? ) He sticks a needle in it and my head, left eye, left side of my face swells up like quazzy moto ( yeah the character...) At one point, all i can do is laugh ... i felt at that moment i may have been delusional just thinking about all the occurrences of the day. (the real kicker here is my head is now feeling the migraine of the century, my eye is swollen shut and although I'm really not sure what I'm crying about more- the pain or the depressed mood I'm now enduring- tears stream down my face.)

2 hours later, I get the call from my "new boss".. sure enough due to the speeding tickets they have taken my offer back. (that i got 2 weeks ago, let me remind you) They had two weeks to tell me i have a speeding ticket ( or 3) but no!!!!! I have sat back and waited for them. Now i am jobless. That's right. Unemployed, fat, and with the left side of my face looking like its from some horror movie.

The total occurrences of today have been less than eventful. I cant even tell you the last time i spent an entire day in tears. Or had all these bad/ weird things happen in one 24 hour time period. I keep telling myself there has to be some reason for this. ( don't you just hate that saying " everything happens for a reason".... i mean like really? whats the reason i keep getting shit on? )
I ask you "who does this REALLY happen to?" and then i remind myself... the bitch that cant seem to get a break.

who was i kidding...

2008-07-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Who was i kidding? Peace with my soul? puh-leaseee... i must've written that on some sentimental quest for getting over love.
Clearly when i wrote that I was sober. Now i am not.
My outlook today is a little different now. Although im still content with my decisions to see him... i do miss him now more than i did before. That last night together did what it was supposed to, helped me forget about Mr jerkfaces text dumping and give me my "groove back".... But did it help to give me the closure i needed with him like i was spouting off about in the previous blog? ha... instead it gave me the realization of what i loved before... ( uhhh a duhh moment for all of you readers im sure...)
well bite me.
It's 1am.I had a few too many cocktails tonight, and I miss him. I miss him because this is the first day of reality ...REAL real reality . the reality i cant escape. It's the real, raw , in my face, this is really happening... time is ticking , and hes really moving on, reality. It really stares me in the face after a night with him (which i never thought would ever happen again) and drinking.. and quite frankly.. it has an ugly face. ( kinda like mr jerk faces ex girl friend. - but hey thats neither here nor there). The fact that i must really let this man go has come. I cant hate. I cant love. I cant even think about it anymore.

some say your ex... makes the....( the biggie rap- u know what i mean)

2008-07-25T18:57:00.001-07:00

One last night with your ex.... hmmmmmm.... tricky subject. Bad bad bad idea. But sometimes its better to recycle then to create a new "thing' . ( its all about the environment here.. doing good for mankind)

So i am a recycler. Habitual. No matter how bad the relationship was... no matter how hurt i am or have been... there are certain past guys that i may still recycle when the right amount of alcohol kicks in, the right night, and the right attitudes comes into play. Like it or not, I'm just never okay with losing. I'm never okay with the idea i cant make someone who previously may have left me, not want me back. ( i realize this is a problem- believe me!) i wish i was the girl who was like oh well, chuck that up as a loss and move on. but lets face it- that's not me. I'm the girl who says, "ill chuck that up at your loss, not mine, and I'm bound and determined to show u all the reasons why you made a mistake till you change your mind. ( the funny thing is never does this ever work out long term in my benefit) doesn't stop me though- ohhhh no...i am still thinking that maybe the next time it will.

So i see my ex out one night... granted that same week, I got dumped via text from Mr jerk face and all in all i am just vulnerable and in need of some serious attention.I do realize how extremely pathetic that sounded. Don't judge me! You have been there! i know it! Anyway... i approach him at the bar. - never a good idea by the way. But for some reason this time it is different. maybe because we both know that time is limited... his "new life" starts in 2 weeks .. and this could be potentially the last chance we have to see each other. Like it or not, i truly loved this guy and at one time, he truly loved me. As fucked up as it is... love makes you do fucked up things. again- Don't judge me!
i think we all know how this night goes... we drink.. we argue at the bar.. we laugh about our arguments bc suddenly it seems somewhat stupid to carry around this hate for someone u once held so much care for. We leave the bar... we go our separate ways... we meet back up... ironically.. via text message we contact each other and arrange for him to come pick me up.
we spend what is probably the last night together of our entire lives. probably a good thing. But at the same time, its surreal. Were not fighting. Were not loving either. Were just comfortable. were in the element of i know this man, i am 100% my self in this instance and that feels fabulous. I was letting go. I knew the odds were that i would wake up still loving him tomorrow, and the next day after that, and probably atleast some form of love for the rest of my life. But the reality was that I knew in my head and my heart he really is and has moved on. Somehow I think this one night will enable me to find some peace with him, with our past, and most importantly, with me.

It wasn't her he left me for, he left me for me. It doesn't mean she is suddenly the love of his entire life like i feared either. I may still have that role, and I believe at times he may even think about that. Even though i have this vision that he is so ready for her and to start their life together... he may not be, He is simply ready for a new him, and she just happens to fall in that category.
That was the piece of the puzzle my soul desperatly needed to find my own peace.

date like a man...?

2008-07-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

A fellow blogger "mel" left me a comment the other day ... "date like a man so u don't get played like a bitch"... and i knew what she meant, but it just seems hard to do when a man doesnt use his heart in the process at all.. Most the women i know are emotional and expressive and wear their heart on their sleeve.... But really, where else would you wear that muscle? Certainly not in the place it belongs, (in your chest) - oh no. We live in Florida the 2nd biggest saline implant state in the world and they take up all the space in that region.

wtf is wrong with us that we cant find room in our chest to leave the heart where it belongs? I don't have relationship issues uprooted from a childhood of not enough attention. Hell I'm an only child- the golden child at that. It's not even attention i need- i get plenty. Maybe some people are meant to be single. ( and keep your jokes to yourself- i will NEVER own cats! )I find that for most females trust can be hard to grasp so you can often shelter that aspect of a relationship. But once u finally open up and finally give a guy a real shot- its like the thrill of the chase for them is gone, and suddenly your not that hard to get girl anymore. You are the girl who could potentially care for them, Potentially be there girlfriend, potentially one day fall in love with them. I see great positives in this: Falling in love and falling for someone in general. I don't understand why so many men run from that possibility.why is it that we as women - have to play "the game" in order to keep you interested? doesn't the game ever bore you?( it bores the hell out of me). Not to mention it becomes stressful, and STUPID. At what age or time will a man really be okay with the chase being over and the true contentment of knowing he doesn't have to chase you anymore- your in His living room, watching HIS TV, cuddled up with him on HIS couch. Here's some food for thought guys.. their are plenty of other couches out there

PS...

2008-07-14T19:27:00.001-07:00

sooo heres some real fabulous news... this bitch finally got a break

costco replaced the broken camara!

fabulous....

2008-07-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

i saw this and it got me thinking tonight. ... just how fantastic i am. And i mean that as unconceited as possible.

Truth be told.. most of us are insecure about things. I am one of those people that come off as miss confident Usa, and then when you get to the heart of me, the real me , you'd find out I can be percieved ( by a cheater) as one of the most insecure people on earth. Chase, although i chased him, was very insecure himself. Probably stemming from childhood issues i would imagine, but rather than dealing he turned them on me. In the end i knew every single thing HE THOUGHT was wrong with me... whether it be i drink to much, i like myspace too much, my thighs are chubby, I am "psycho'" ( just laugh), etc etc etc. I left that relationship wondering who the hell i was , and if there was anything about me good at all. In my head i know im fabulous... but it hurts when someone you love tells you you are not worth anything.

Then in my current relationship, ( read "wtf" blogs) i have sat back trying to change my communication desires and relationship wants AND NEEDS to fit the mold of what this guy may or may not want. i thought about it today while driving home from an uneventful day at work. Why in the hell am i always compromising ME for someone else? Guys i mean.. I definatly do this. I change what they dont like to make them happy. I sit back and cater to their emotions ( or lack of) to make them comfortable. Only to make myself sooooooo uncomfortable that i am filled with worry about the entire dating process. It shouldnt be that way.

I am fabulous. And the sooner i can handle "all of that" .. the sooner i will find the man that agrees.

chase, plus one.

2008-07-12T12:18:00.000-07:00

so .. "chase" has moved on... which i get. In all honesty i wouldn't have it any other way but sometimes my heart and head get the best of me and i revert back to that "why wasn't it me " thought process. We have all been there. The guy can be the biggest ass on the planet ( and he is) but we still wonder, how is this new girl getting the guy i wanted to love her the way i wanted him to love me. How is he so nice to her and able to even imagine his lying cheating ass ever being faithful to anyone enough to feel trapped in a serious relationship. Doesn't he get that this will end his player ways?
They are moving in together. heart wrenching. like a knife, and salt.. and then theirs my wound. wide open ready for the next stab. Supposedly she is in nursing school and 'chase" is going to the police academy to be the biggest jerk of a cop Florida has to offer. But still... there is a part of me that sits back thinking.. "isn't that just fucken great!!!!????!!!! The cute little couple being do-gooders together" .... and here's the key element to the "oh whoa is me " i face daily... she is not only hot.. she is playboy hot. Knock out. probably one of the hottest girls I've ever seen.. so ... The love of my life has now moved on, and not only moved on, moved in, with the hottest girl ever. Isn't that some shit? your ex moves on with someone hotter than you!?????...( go ahead .. twist the knife. i can take it. )
not only did he put me through hell ... now he is the one who is happy and in love .. and i am the one still somewhat waiting for my ship to come in... and starting to lose hope.

normal? nice? blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-07-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

so my old boss and friend "swerve" called me last night all distraught over some chick hes seeing. Now over the years i have heard him sweat many of women, and play many of them as well. He is one of those guys that is all about a girl, then over it ( ha, like many men) but this time he seemed really upset. He starting telling me about how he had finally changed his player ways and was really making the effort to show this girl he was ready for long term... only .. as he was telling her how much he cared about her- her phone went dead... how convenient right?
well if that had happened to me, i would have some sarcastic thing to assume like that. I'd give the guy ten minutes to locate his phone charger or the nearest pay phone.. or later i would mail him the 35 cents to call someone who cared.

so heres the thing.. why is it that women want this fairytale of a guy who will sweep them off there feet, and be faithful and give them the white picket fence life .. when they run from it the moment a glimpse of good comes there way? Im guilty of it myself. i think denise richards said it best on a recent episode of "its complicated"... everyone wants there single girl friend to find some great NORMAL guy who will treat them like the queen they are... but the reality is harsh. " wtf is normal anyway? normal to me is a bad guy.. and i cant help it i like bad guys" ( something like that- lets not be graphic here about what she really said about the male genitalia)
I feel this way. Wtf is normal? I struggle with this. There are plenty of fabulous kind good hearted guys out there whom never catch my eye bc im too busy "chasing" the bad ones... it's the challenge guys. the ones that keep us wondering... "he loves me , he loves me not"... or why the hell didnt he come home. ,... (sick i know) the truth is some women- myself- feed on the pain and the drama of the unknown.
the good news for the guys who are that nice guy... when these women grow the f&%k up... your the guy they want ... until then... leave the young at heart "chaser" and find your own picket fence.

oh boy! did i ever "chase"

2008-07-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

let the nightmare begin... i mean really. what girl falls in love with the most unstable guy on the planet... and not only falls in love.. falls so deeply in love that a yr later she still is dealing with the repercussion's..... ME! DUH!!!!! ( and not just once, i might add.. i have this taste... bad taste buds!)

so my ex... we'l call him Chase. Chase because i chased his ass after he repeatedly took a shit on me. I highly considered calling him "Chuck" for chuck lidelle cause he is one of those big ass, bar fighter, ufc watching, roid ragers, but as i was writing this.."Chase" came to me...

so in the beginning .. Chase... was my friend. Close friend. He talked smarter than the other guys he ran with. He used big words, and he read. Or at least he told me he did... ( in between his shifts working as a bouncer.... at a club.... -no more details on that) anyway.. he was sweet and he cared. I later found out he was just a damn good smooth talker. he knew what to say... As close friends i had no idea about all the girls he smoothly talked to.. but dammit! i wish someone would have told me...

so somehow we cross the boundaries of friends into dating. From the first night i stayed with him, we were damn near inseparable. I felt comfortable from the start,.,, (which never happens with me)- read my other blog about the kiss... i mean i never warm rt up to anyone. For the first time tho in a long time i felt like this was just "right"... I fell in love. that kind of love where you think this is definitely "the one" ... i told my grandmother that...

but as always with me good things come to an end and we hit a bad streak. We were practically living together ( totally unofficially) and although i felt right at home with him.. the fighting began, and alot of it. He wasn't always nice to me. He put me down inn his rages, and i returned the favor in my drunk moments. Little by little though, friends started coming out the woodwork,,...saying "thats how he is..."
ha... really? well thanks fellas.. could u have warned me... ?

so 2 days before his bday.. he breaks up with me... -starting the long goodbye process ( what my mother calls it when my ex and i hang on to eachother for a yr after the initial goodbye) the night of his bday. my girls and our friends take him out... we have a great time... clearly this guy loves me, i love him.. wel get back together! wrong!!!!!!! no.. CHASE will string me along for what seems like the next decade... ( hahahhahhah funny i say that... bc i have an ex that strung me along for a decade - we'l talk about that one later- somebody help me remember to write a blog based on "birthdays")

So ... a yr of back and forth takes place... he sleeps with other girls while telling me i need to change and we'l get back together.... I needed to change what???? i mean i guess i should be okay with finding out chase was fucking every girl in town behind my back... and not be so damn jealous...?? rigggggggggggghhhtt! ... yeah we were broken up but the kind of broken up where your on "the break'- those of you not familiar with the break.... well thats the time when you arent together cause a guy like "chase" wants to chase other girls, while you sit at home and wait on his ass. Which is exactly what i did. we still hung out. we still were sleeping together.. we still were talking and telling eachother every time one of us took a piss or even took a damn breath. people would assume (until they saw chase "chasing " in the club) that we were still together... and this went on for a very long time... and thats where i'll leave off.... the beginning and middle of "chase"... the end will follow in a later blog. typically as a mean text from him or something comes in and i need to vent =)

and ps...

2008-07-06T18:14:00.001-07:00

this was my mother's idea. She apparently has become far too nervous that i may never get married ... and thinks i must find something to channel all this single free time into. I think she is also very aware that someone may consider my humor and expressions.. either funny... smart.. or damn near annoying.. but maybe somehow i will find "me" out of this...or an expensive advertiser to support my single ass.

i say, it took carrie bradshaw till 40 to find a cheater and i found quite a few at 26... im good. thanks mom.
anway this is how this all started,... so here i am. in the raw.

and just for the record... names will be changed to protect the guilty and character-less. ( not trying to dog all you people of mine out there.. not to your face) my best friend Ashleigh stays the same;. i'l let her be her.

as for me... im 26. im single. and im desperatly seeking to find out what the hell is going on .... with life.

true life episode....

2008-07-06T17:31:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna start my blogging in the present... my current status of life.... this bitch just cant get a break...

if something bad is gonna happen (and i mean bad..lightly) .. it'l happen to me. I like to think of it as my little black cloud.. occassionaly becoming my little black tornado...that follows me everywhere. I used to think that someone had it in for me "up stairs.." ... or that maybe i had been some horrible cheater of a wife in my past life... all of which could be possibilities but for now im content just admitting good 'ol..old fashioned bad luck.

for example.. i love camaras. i love pictures. especially pictures that showcase my friends and i being wild ... so i saved up money last summer and bought one.. 2 weeks later.. it was stolen... at the club! and in my wildest of drunken rages... i cried andstomped my feet and proudly almost got kicked out of that club... so i vowed to be camara-less... and never buy one again... until now.. a mth ago. i bought a cute like purple nikon.. used specifically to document my good times.. and what happens in the midst of the 4th of july festivities last friday... ( yeah food fun and fireworks my ass)... my friend drops it! and blah! ITS BROKE! FOR GOOD!
is it a curse? the camara curse???

either way... im again... camara-less...

i went and saw sex in the city for the 2nd time this weekend. I for one must enjoy the painful being left at the alter scene far too much... i think im secretly planning what my reaction will be when i probably have the same thing happen to me one day ( are you following..??? the bad luck thing remember) yeah... that whole scene... thats me... wanting to kill myself and hitting the asshole groom ( whom by the way should have never gotten the chance to be with carrie.. ( or me either for that matter) ... while my girl friends hold me back from my rage and anger and loss of will to live. My bestfriends and i laugh..cause that is totally us... only in a lesser sense... for one- i was never getting married... (haha or probably ever) and for two- our scenes are usually enduced with alcohol and way too much drunken emotion...

so thats where i leave off today ... and in the meantime... my true life episode: this bitch cant get a break is to be continued