leopards dont change their spots.

so, in the reality i call my life, i got reminded yesterday why i started writing these blogs in the first place.... in " my real world" my dating life is so screwed up its entirely too entertaining to not share with the rest of the hopeless romantics - or if your like me- skeptics of the world...
no, in true heartbreak fashion the last 6-8 months of my life has been a whirl wind and exactly what i needed when it comes to writing about how "this bitch cant get a break"....
thank you life, for a second there i thought things were going so smoothly that i no longer needed to complain....

so here i am , 29 ( yes i started this at 26...), back - single... and heres how it all went down.. just a little catch you up to speed scenerio:

christmas 2010 should have been a splendid one...the most splendid of christmas's a woman can have... under a tree, should be a purse maybe, maybe something you had been wanting or an outfit, and ...A very small box... A RING. instead... there was a window tint job and that good ol purse. all of these are fine gifts- but a woman of 28 3/4 years old whom is wanting to marry her man of 2 yrs... this is a let down. (esp. whom she already shares a home, a back account and a combined phone bill).. a let down.
i saw it coming... when he bought the ring ( the ring i should have recieved) i knew in my heart there was issues that i may be settling for, but i wanted to get married. all around me people were!why not me? i wanted to plan a wedding... i was eager to start the process.... and in return i was being held off till christmas... well until.... i instead found out he was cheating on me...
yes.. my life partner, the guy i had carefully selected to marry (if he asked) was cheating.. with a crooked grin, amazon of a woman with a kid. oh and i think she is a topless dancer.
need i say more?

so january- i make him move out and my bestfriend moves in. at the time i was devastated- my WHOLE WORLD WAS SHOOK AND the changes i was enduring were unbearable. plus.. i DONT LIKE TO LOSE. i lost -i was cheated on! BUT,i had no idea, how that loss would eventually prove to be FATE. my fate and my savior from marrying the wrong man...

SO JUMP AHEAD A COUPLE OF MONTHS:
i was going to marry the wrong man, and the hurt he caused was luck.
on the flipside, he is now devastated, and i finally see what its like to have someone hurt over you.... all those times i desperately wanted to be "wanted" and have the ex realize he fucked up... and now i have it....it's staring at me every day.. in my text box, or on the phone.. and i gotta be honest- its not so awesome after all.... truth is, no mattter how they hurt you, when your in a marriage worthy scenerio- IT DOES NOT feel good to know your hurting someone.
the fact that i have moved on and realize now that i was settling , hurts me worse, just to know hes so heartbroken ....

for most of us, or atleast me and my roommate being a good hearted person has its down falls. "my weakness is: i care to much". i can honestly say i have been this way my whole life no matter what man (BOY) has decided to come in my life and break my heart... i always try to help them at their weakest moment, even after all i have been thru... i put myself aside, drop my own feelings and cheer them on. ....which is where im at CURRENT. although i am letting this one down, there is another from the past that crept back in, and again i have accepted the flaws, let my own awesome-ness be pushed aside, and swooped in to pick up the peices in the mess that they call there lives. ( and believe me its messy- every single one)

so my revelation for today is this: a leopard does not change his spots. we want to believe he will... but he wont, and a woman like me- all i have ever done is show these men i will be there... so what is there to change for????... i finally have a man that desperately wants to change for the fear he lost me for good... and suddenly i dont want the change????suddenly im not ecstatic i finally got a man to do exactly what i want... miss me ??
i wonder if they all acted this way if id want their change, want them missing me, or allow it back in...?..... im starting to believe that my thril of my chase is equally as bad as a man's, and once the thrill is gone......so am i.